Am i overreacting to this situation?
My husband was trying to change our 2.5 year old’s nappy but she wouldn’t cooperate - she was kicking and wriggling. He kept telling her to keep still, but eventually her foot connected with his face (no damage done to him). In his frustration he slapped her on the upper thigh and told her to stop moving again. I did not know this had happened until I changed her nappy later and saw an imprint of his hand on her thigh. I asked him about it and he told me that he didn’t hit her THAT hard. I told him that obviously it was hard because it left a mark. My husband has never been physically abusive to me or our kids but after this incident and him seemingly shrugging it off, I feel like I don’t know if I can trust him not to do it again. I told him he is never to do that ever again, to which he replied: ‘it wasn’t that hard’. My dilemma is: do I confront him about this again (possibly an ultimatum if it happens again), or accept this as a mistake and an accident and move on?
Husband hit daughter and left a mark
Husband hit daughter and left a mark
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Baby & Toddler, Kids
39 Replies
Do not accept this as a mistake. He doesn't even accept it as a mistake and doesnt care at all that hes left a hand mark on a tiny child, there is zero chance it wont happen again.
Maybe take her to a doctor to have it documented and discuss it. It will go in your favour if you need to recall it in the future, and may wake him up.
At the very least photograph and email the photo with details of the discussion to your mother, best friend.
Um it won't go in her favour because doctors are mandatory reporters. It's a slap that was done as a reaction. He didn't beat her up it was a one off thing. Why would she jeopardise her own family. Geez people don't think.
I can tell you now that doctor will report, that child will be removed and placed in care. They will accuse the mother of not being able to protect her child and her parents run the risk of losing her to the system.
The dept will also make sure mum and dads relationship is totally destroyed
The child will not be automatically removed. I know this because this exact scenario happened in my family 2 years ago. My son is still with me, while my partner (and yes I say partner as we are still together and are determined to work through this as a family) is still going through court after the smack was reported and he was charged with assault. Please try not to use scare tactics as this is the kind of thing that stops mother's from speaking up for fear they will lose their children as well and could result in very dire consequences when it is not just a too hard smack scenario.
'It wasn't that hard' is such a fob off. He could at least say 'I hadn't realised it would mark her skin I have learned from this, I'm sorry, it won't happen again'. Babys skin is so much more sensitive than ours and leaves mark's more readily. Tell him to own it and to stop downplaying it. His reaction pisses me off more than him actually marking her because it goes to show he doesn't give a flying shit and is at risk of doing it again next time. I'd be saying 'if I ever see anything like this again, ever, there are going to be consequences for you'.
Isn't this the age old debate on whether it's acceptable to discipline your children by smacking them? I smacked my children when they were younger and it left a mark and I'm far from abusive. I had friends and family who said I should use smacking more as a disciplinary tactic. I know not all agree with it, but surely you and your partner have had these discussions before and know where each other stand on the matter
She's two years old !!! Not acceptable, EVER to leave a hand mark on a TWO year old !!
What do you can smack them but not leave a mark. This is the age to start the discipline. For god sake he wouldn’t have meant it to hurt her. It was a shock reaction.
Smacking is smacking, hitting a 2 year old ALMOST A BABY enough to leave a mark that lasts multiple hours until the next nappy change is abuse. You’re doing the same thing her husband is doing “it’s not that hard” accept accountability and admit you’re abusive, 2 year olds do not understand why a parent someone who’s supposed to protect them is hurting them deliberately. If he had had some remorse, and admitted he lost his cool then MAYBE, but he’s being dismissive. Abuse for sure.
Are you able to provide me some links to where it states in the law that smacking is abusive? As I would be interested in having a read and learning something new. Please and thank you :)
Wtf is wrong with you, ya Cabbage? If you leave a "mark" on a"baby" its "abuse" . End of !
Not sure you understand the use of quotation marks. I'm also going to assume that you have no facts to back up your opinion, cause that's all you're giving is your opinion. Mine is different, and that's okay. The op and her partner should have discussed their opinions with each other in regards to using smacking as discipline before they had children 🤷♀️
There's a few commenters on this piece, stating smacking a baby and leaving mark's is abuse. But yet you require a link just to be a smart arse. You know damn well that visual Mark's on a baby from hitting/smacking/slapping are not acceptable but yet here you are one of those ppl who want a social media link. You are dismissive on purpose. On your merry way now love go find your own link on the matter. You already know damn well its appalling to leave injuries on a baby no matter how minor. Glad I never had you as a 'mother'. Awful abusive woman who thinks it's ok to mark a baby by hitting them
But this child is a toddler, not a baby. I'm not defending a parent who has beaten a 6 month old. Smacking is a choice of discipline for some parents and they should have discussed these things before bringing a child into this world
Smacking, yes faireo. Leaving marks, NO. It's the leaving marks on a little 2yo these ladies are talking about. Not the smacking for discipline part! Understand yet?
There is nothing wrong with others because their opinion is different to yours. There is no need for name calling and getting your knickers in a twist
Different commenter....I don’t see it as a difference of opinion, physically abusing a toddler is not a lifestyle choice as much as stealing or murdering.
When you hit hard enough to leave a mark out of anger or frustration it’s abuse, you’ve lost control.
A difference of opinion is whether to do time outs or taking things away from a child, not abuse. Physical abuse should never be an option.
Oh and if you need a link to tell you a grown man losing his cool and physically abusing a two year old is wrong, not much else to say. Would it be okay if he hit his wife in the same way in the name of discipline?
A story....apparently my dad once hit my older sister, as a two year old and left s mark. It was their first child. My mother said, don’t ever do that again. When he saw the mark, he felt terrible, absolutely gutted, you can imagine, as a grown man leaving a mark on a tiny little kid that he loves. I can say, in my forties, my dad never raised a hand to my sister or I again. It’s the reaction that bothers me as much as the hit.
Another story. My brother as a baby would have visible marks on skin from even minor things like every trip from walking. At 18m old, he needed a medical examination of a rash but was a moving too much. Our family GP, who was just a lovely and handle man, uses a fkat palm on his chest to hold him on the plinth while mum straightened the leg for him to look. When he moved his hand, he was horrified to see an imprint. Mum had to explain how easily my brother marked and that it lasted for hours and her only concern was people thinking he was being hurt. This led to investigating potential med conditions and everything. The conclusion was my brother just marked easily. Maybe your husband really didn't do it hard. My kids bruises from me trying to hold them still for nappy changes and I was much gentler than the mum's in my mum's group. Other mum's changing their kids looked crazy rough to me. Judge your hubby by everything you know about him. Not 1 situation you didn't see that seems pretty normal.
Once again 'the gp was horrified to see an imprint' and theres the difference again.
Because it wasn't his child. If the dad knows it wasn't hard, I wouldn't expect him to panic.
Depending on which state you live in there actually are laws such as
In New South Wales, you specifically cannot smack a child on the head or neck, and the child cannot be more than briefly harmed or bruised
Any more than a fleeting mark can see the person charged with assault occasioning bodily harm.
Well if another adult hit you and it left a mark it would be domestic abuse or assault. So I really don’t understand how you can justify it in a parent-child relationship when there is already a balance of power.
He didn't hit though. He slapped in reaction. My husband slapped me when I startled him the other week. Left a mark too. Certainly wasn't abuse lol. And smacking a child is legal and common... regardless of whether you or I agree on smacking or not. OP obviously doesn't agree though so she and hubby need to be on the same page.
It's not about the smack its about the mark he left; when are you going to see past it 'just being a smack that they should have previously discussed' and take notice that the OP is referring to the hand mark that was left there for hours and not the smack itself? How many times does this have to be explained to you?
I know, it’s like banging your head against a brick wall....and the excuses about ONE child in the world that marks easy...far out, a grown ass man hit a toddler so hard that it left a mark hours later, grown ass man doesn’t feel any remorse...don’t over complicate it, make excuses, reactions, skin types, it is what it is and it isn’t okay. It’s not a difference of opinion, it’s wrong. Marks on children are a sign of abuse, photographed by the authorities for a reason. Am I saying she should leave him? No...she knows him better than anyone else and maybe his defence is because he feels shame, that’s their issue to work out. But this incident is just not okay. Ask your husbands how they would feel if they hit their toddler so hard it left a mark hours later? I guarantee they wouldn’t think it’s all fine, don’t know what is wrong with you women. I’m disturbed by the responses to this post.
Geez some of you guys are snowflakes. It's a smack !! He didn't beat her up. No wonder why so many kids grow up spoilt and disrespectful. It's you sort of mothers I see out in public while drinking your coffee and your kids are disrupting everyone. Or the mothers who say no my kid wouldn't bully. Geez grow up ladies.
My child is one of the most well behaved, respectful, well loved children in school.
He’s never been hit in his life.
I certainly don’t sit around drinking coffee allowing my child to cause havoc.
I find the idiot mothers who hit their kids, are the lazy ones drinking coffee.
Because hitting is lazy, explaining things to your child, finding appropriate punishments and taking the time to teach isn’t the easy way out. Losing your cool and just hitting, that’s quick, you get the desired result straight away, but what are they actually learning? To fear you, not respect you and to lash out when things are annoying.
Lazy, lazy, parenting, I thought we knew better in 2021.
One of my kids was a real bugger during nappy changes. She'd fuss so much every time we'd end up with poop everywhere, she was so strong and would kick so hard that I couldn't restrain her. Occasionally, the only thing that would make nappy changes possible was a smack on the knee to stop her in her tracks and generally speaking I hate smacking or physical punishment as a form of discipline.
Some kids mark really easy too. My 13 year old and I were mucking around the other day, banter etc. He said something cheeky and I jokingly and lightly slapped his upper arm with the back of my hand, he laughed.
10 minutes later, he comes out joking that I assaulted him because on his arm was a perfect imprint of 3 of my fingers.
I'm not saying that your husband did or didn't hit her hard, I wasn't there so I really don't want to speculate, I just think it's worth considering.
Personally, I don't think ultimatums or going in hard about not trusting him is the best approach. I guarantee it'll be taken as an attack and turn into a fight - that doesn't help anyone.
Sit him down and have a calm talk about discipline as a whole, tell him you don't feel comfortable using smacking as a form of discipline, decide together on strategies for managing challenging behavior etc.
I'll admit that if I'm in a situation where I'm kicked or hit either deliberately or accidentally, even if it's a child who has no intent to hurt, my instinct is to hit back. I don't know where that instinct comes from and I've always managed to override it.
I'm not making excuses for your husband, who is an adult, who should have removed himself or stopped and tried later if he was feeling overwhelmed and bub wasn't cooperating and at the very least, should be showing a great deal of remorse for this action. I'm saying that it can be instinctual to hit back and I could understand someone feeling that way.
Calm down you are overreacting. Your husband has acted with a reaction to a shock being hit in the face. While you might not agree with him smacking her, he probably didn’t mean it to be hard. Maybe just speak to him and say could you not smack her next time, I know it is frustrating but I’m worried you may smack her too hard. I’ve given my kids a smack now and then. I’m sure he felt bad and didn’t mean to leave a Mark. I’ve smack my kids lightly and it’s left a red mark. Do I feel bad.. no.! Speak to him and see what he says. seriously though it’s not abuse. I think it was just a shock reaction. He would have felt bad even though he won’t show it.
Lawful chastisement means you can smack your child. When you say mark do you mean a bruise or a red mark that is fading? A bruise is very different and way more extreme. A bruise is not classified as lawful chastisement. Communication is key. You need to be on the same page about how you want to discipline.
Yes I'm curious to know whether the mark was bruising or red marks that faded... One of my kids used to get red marks from just being picked up or carried when he was little... Some kids get red marks very easily but bruising I would question the strength he used.
Hi it’s not on but was a reaction , if you were not there and only discovered afterwards how do you know the kick to his jaw wasn’t hard? I had been kicked sometimes so hard while trying to do a task and yes they would get a little shot. If he doesn’t have anger issues or violent it was in the moment of frustration
Talk to him, make sure you are on the same page with it not happening again.
It happened out of frustration, maybe he didn't mean to hit her that hard, maybe. You can never know until he is in a similar situation and you see what he does then.
Has it happened before or is this the first time? If it keeps happening and you don't agree then definitely keep standing your ground on each one and if he says he won't do it again then does then look at his actions and decide if you want to take further action (like you said an ultimatum).
Pretty sure by definiton physical abuse is anything that leaves a mark.
More information is needed to have an educated opinion. Everyone here can spout off about abuse (I'm not saying it is or it isn't) but the post gives vague information.
1. When you say "an imprint of his hand", was it bruised, red, faded pink? Does it look like he "hit" her with force or smacked her?
2. Does your daughter mark easily? My 4 fair skinned babies and myself all have tendency to mark from just about anything.
3. Where were you at the time? If you were in the next room or not far away, if he hit her forcefully is it possible you would have or should have heard it? Did your daughter scream in pain? Or were you not around at all and therefore can't tell? If you were not far away, surely you would have heard something if he used excessive force?
4. You say you changed her nappy "later". How much time had actually passed? I can do 4 nappy changes in an hour, or I might let my son sleep for 4 hours before changing him. Was there a decent amount of time between when it happened and you noticing?
5. Is your husband a clear communicator? Would it be possible that him saying "it wasn't that hard" is his way of saying "I didn't mean for it to be so hard", or is he genuinely shrugging off responsibility? In a perfect world, our words would always perfectly match our thoughts and feelings, but it isn't a perfect world.
You know your daughter and husband well. Coming to strangers on the internet who all have different opinions in this subject won't actually help, especially with little to no context
Also, I'll add, no one is perfect parent. We all make mistakes and have moments we're not proud of. Depending on the severity, you might need to remember how easy it is to get overwhelmed. If it was truly a bad hit, maybe talk to him about coping strategies.
I think perhaps you're over reacting a little. Plenty of kids get smacks and they are fine.
Also is your child an easier marker? I was taken away from my mother and an investigation was conducted on her as I bruise easily. I was waking a dog, and was pulled into a pole - half of my face was red (which turned into a big bruise), my mum took me to the doctors and she was reported. I was taken away from my mum because I bruise. I still bruise easily... I could walk lightly into a door and end up with a bruise.
Its also not a beating, it was a singular smack. You've said he's never been abusive (I'll make an educated guess of you've been together for more than 2 years), and you're now scared to leave him with his own kids because he smacked his child?
I don't agree with it at all but have met many who think it's acceptable.
It's really up to you and how you feel about it.