My 12 year old Darling Daughter wrote a horribly abusive and vile letter to a girl in her grade at school.
DD barely knows the girl and has very little to do with her. She has never mentioned her, and doesn't even know her last name!
I feel extremely sad for the victim and her mother. I put myself in the mum's shoes and I would be calling for my daughters head to roll.
DD has never done anything like this. She is an excellent student. I can see she is struggling with the normal puberty self esteem issues, and I can justify that she was trying to give herself power by taking another's away. So sad, but I put most bullying incidents down to those feelings and emotions.
I will be hearing about what the school will be doing to reprimand her. We have grounded her for the foreseeable future.
I just need help with forgiving her. The words of the letter, and how unprompted they were, make me so sad for her inner grace. Where was it? How did she take so many steps to hurt someone?
And how do I forgive myself? I bang on about kindness above every other attribute. It's what I ask of my 3 kids before anything else. I don't trust DD around her younger siblings now.
My thoughts just keep cycling through, and I can't decide on a course of action to focus on. I'm jumping from quitting my FT job so she is never out of my site, to changing schools (which we can't afford, in our town). I just hate that her victim has to see her. But also if she goes she can't fix it. But can you ever fix something that was so callously broken.
What do I do?
24 Replies
Been there recently with my younger child who was a rude mean asshole and it really made me feel all of those things as well. So I got mad, I told her how she was acting and came down really hard while I really searched myself what to do about it.
And I came up with this idea, and its everything youve said as well. After I calmed I sat down and discussed it.
- how words are really powerful and saying sorry doesn't undo the damage done, you cant take that back now.
- she needs to show shes sorry and can only change peoples opinions of her in her actions over time
- how i was really sad that she would act like that, but since Id already said that in anger, I turned it around to be that I know shes a kind person, I know shes a helper, I know shes someone that helps sad people, shes a good friend, a good sister. Start to build her up again. Give her the self esteem and the room to turn it around.
And it's worked here shes been really putting effort in to be kind and helpful, and I've given regular positive feedback as well, even this morning I said it's been a really lovely weekend with you around. I can tell shes genuine in her attitude change.
The only thing your older girl might need is a bit of a deeper exploration into the dynamics that made that situation come up and what she can do differently next time.
Was she trying to impress someone, trying to feel powerful, get that girl back? get her to name the feeling and work out what to do next time.
OP. Wow. I love this reply. Thank you for taking the time. They fill your heart,then break it a hundred times over don't they? I am going to show this to my daughter and we will follow every point. I am feeling a lot better and more hopeful this afternoon. I also think it may have been a powerplay/pecking order sort of strike. Not that that would excuse it.
Honestly, kids can cause a lot of heartache, guilt and disappointment.
You don't need to quit your job.
But your daughter does need to realise how much this impacts upon you and the family because words do hurt.
My son was called monobrow boy for much of the school year. Then his friends started to call him that. The little shit who started it then started saying "oh, you shouldn't call him that" because it's bullying yet it was okay for him to do it...?
My son shaved his eyebrows. I texted the mother immediately and said that I wanted to handle it at the school the next day and what exactly I was going to say. The other boy's mother was horrified about what he sons actions made my child do.
I walked up, with my son, politely greeted the other mother then turned to the other child and said "when you call people names and make them feel bad about themselves, to the point they try to harm themselves then I think you should understand that you are responsible for that." I then told him to look at my son, I pointed right at him and said, "you did that" and pointed at my son. I said "what kind of person do you want to be? Then person who empowers others or drags them down for laughs? This is not a joke, you are not funny and you should be ashamed of yourself."
The look on that little shits face was of sheer horror. He could not believe his mother was allowing me to talk to him like that.
I then said "how does it feel to be made fun of something you have no control of? What if someone made fun of your glasses? You can't see without them right? What if someone made you feel so bad that you decided to not use them and pretend you can see? Or the bullies broke them because of it... Your parents wouldn't be too happy to know it's affecting your work, that you're having headaches and are coming home with damaged glasses because you've left them in your bag to get broken."
He mumbled something and I said "so you wouldn't like it. Being a bully has consequences and being a bully means you are no longer welcome in my home."
The school then pulled us into the office all together and his mother disclosed she sees what he writes on social media. The assistant principal and year coordinator decided to remove him from the classroom and if he doesn't improve his behavior, he would be suspended.
My son was so proud of me but not long afterwards, that same little shit was suspended and his parents pulled him out of the school for the rest of the year to go overseas on holidays. Unfortunately for that child, he had to repeat the year which was unfortunate because he lost his social group, but his reputation has been tarnished and unfortunately he will have to learn the hard way.
They were all 12 at the time.
I wish you to best, mumma.
OP. Thank you. I sort of hope the Mum will confront her and put the fear of God in her. I have spoken to the school today, and nominated my child to help the guidance counsellor spread the word on bullying during recess. I think it's such a fine line to walk for the school, to reprimand the abuser, comfort and support the victim, but also have all of these kids make it through high school alive and knowing they are loved.
It is a tough line and all kids need to be loved, supported and protected.
Life skills are sometimes difficult to learn.
At year 9, they do videos about mental health and what that means to them. They also write up a scenario and act it out. My son talked about anxiety, depression and PTSD. He then said it means a lot to him because his mum has all of those, struggles daily and he watches me fight my demons daily in everything that I do, including allowing him to grow as an independent person. He said he admires my strength and courage. I burst into tears.
On the other side, your daughter will make you proud of her decisions soon enough, it's just hard to navigate life at the moment. So by year 9, she will probably be able to put together her resilience video and reflect on a situation she's experienced and it'll surprise you.
What the first poster said, but you’ve also got to remember she is 12. 12 year olds aren’t perfectly in control of there behaviour and emotions at all times. It’s impossible for most adults to be under control all the time. So you have to remind yourself she is still learning.
I look at the things I did as a 12/13 year old and cringe. But I was 12/13. 12 and 13 year olds still don’t have a huge amount of impulse control, and don’t always have the insight to understand there motivation.
So, yes, she definitely needs some punishment and education, and you need to watch her for other mean girl signs that you may have missed. But you also need to give her a chance to prove that this was a once off, shitty thing she did, and forgive her.
You know what. Bullying sucks. It's awful and horrible.
But you need to understand that sometimes kids (and adults) make really bad decisions. And you are not a bad parent. You didn't make her write the letter. You could've just tried to minimise this. You could've went all guns blazing to school to make sure they went easy on her. But you didn't. And that makes you a great parent.
As for your daughter, may be exploring what's happening at school a bit more? What other issues are going on? I think Dolly's Dream might have some great resources.
Yes, we are deep into learning about Dolly, as this all came to a head on Do it For Dolly Day. The irony. My daughter is a little secretive, but also a very emotional kid. She tends to shut down when confronted, it's hard to know when you actually get through, if she is angry and sorry for herself, or guilty and sorry. Thanks for your comments.
Thats where you teach her if shes sorry to make it up through actions.
I was involved in a similar incident when I was around that age. Looking back, I can now recognise how much pain I was in. I also look back and I'm astounded that all the adults were busy punishing me and condemning me to notice that I was dealing with so much self hatred.
Yes, your daughter needs to be held accountable.
Yes, she needs to be educated.
Yes, she probably deserves a punishment as well.
BUT
She also needs your support.
She needs your forgiveness and humility.
She may very well need some professional help and maybe even a mental health assessment. Her self esteem issues may run a lot deeper than you realise.
You should probably also explore the possibility that your daughter wasn't the only girl involved.
From my experiences and having a 12 and 13 year old myself, I can tell you that girls this age are like pack animals.
It's very rare that they act alone and so out of left field.
Hi. Thank you, you are right. She was not the only girl ivolved. Yes I am quite worried about what prompted the attack, it's from within. She's a tough nut to crack though. I am considering a mental health check. I started my depression during puberty, so genetically it's a big factor.
I was not much older when I left a horrible note in a suggestions box for a receptionist that was really rude to me. It was out of character for me but this lady was so rude she embarrassed me in front of a room full of people and tried to accuse me of stealing. I left in tears. Not saying there's anything more to it but if it truly is out of character I guess it doesn't hurt to see if it really is one sided.
Thank you. Yes, totally left of field for little miss perfect. Her victim is not perfectly innocent, but she has not done anything serious to my daughter. I have thought that maybe it's a strike first and strike hard to ward off other bullies. Nobody saw it coming from any if the girls involved.
Could have been pressured by her group of peers to do it
I never thought I was a mean girl. I was frequently the target of mean girls though. I was a straight A, shy band geek that did ballet 35+ hours per week so I never went to parties etc. Ages ago I found a postcard I wrote but never sent. It was bitchy. Not what you're describing but even reading it, I can't align it with who I was at the time.
Show your disappointment. Show your disgust. But remember she is a teenager, not an adult. If she shows remorse or insight into what she did, you need to see this as a blessing. She might just stop a pattern of behaviour before it even starts but if you can't see her for the person she is deep down anymore, you might push her in the wrong direction.
I guess I'm just saying we're not all perfect.
So agree, nobody knows her heart and loves her like you do.
Yes. I like and understand what you mean about pushing her away. These comments are really helping me to clarify a course of action. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sure I would have vented in writing, most likely in my diary when I was that age. Venting is for diaries, not innocent bystanders!
So true. Sadly, i wrote that postcard on a school band camp. It probably only never got posted because we didn't go past a postbox. I hadn't kept my words for a diary that was only for me. I seriously doubt I even meant them. I suspect I was trying to fit in and didn't have the maturity to just be myself rather than tearing someone else down. If your daughter doesn't know this girl well, I suspect this is more a reflection of her own desire to be accepted than an indication of true nastiness.
I did something similar to this once, and while I am not proud of it I also know that it wasn’t one sided. I was really cruel to another girl with two of my friends. Thing is, I copped it from everyone and she got the sympathy from everyone, but she was my “friend” that constantly bullied me, called me names, picked on my weight, ran down my family for not having money like hers... but no one ever saw that and no one wanted to hear my side when I reacted.
If it were my son now I’d talk to him.. there’s always two sides to every story and if everyone is too busy disciplining your daughter and telling her they’re ashamed of her then she won’t feel confident enough to tell anyone her side.. and to top that off, if another parent, a full grown adult, reprimanded my child I would lose my shit.. that would mean they’re bullying my child because my of child bullying, kinda being a bit hypocritical.
Just my opinion though.
I’d suggest a community conference process - maybe facilitated by the school. Let her see how widespread the impact if her actions is - the other girl and her family; your own family; friendship groups; school personnel. Done well, this is a powerful and supportive process.
I think you've overreacted. This is the first time she has done anything like this so you now can't trust her with her siblings, you want to quit your job and change her schools.
Talk to your kid. Find out why she did this. Get yourself in line. 12 years of good behaviour, one incident and she's lost your trust. You don't have your kid's back.
Please consider reading the book (yourself and your daughter) - ‘Queenbees and wannabes’ by Rosalind Wiseman (there are also great YouTube videos related to it).
It was the inspiration for the movie Mean Girls.
Mum of the year right there! Well done. You didn’t just defend and make excuses, that shows how great of a parent you are! Don’t be hard in yourself. And don’t be too hard on her. Don’t make her feel you’re so badly ashamed and disappointed that it’ll just make her feel worse and resent you and rebel even more. Kids make mistakes. If she knows how much it’s hurt you and this isn’t her usual Behaviour, than chances are she’s punishing and hating herself just as much. Keep telling her you’re not happy but still let her know you love her and will support her.
In no way take this as making excuses, but are you sure she isn't being bullied or having issues that could have led to this?
We have recently been having a hard time with my 12 year old daughter and I have been driving myself crazy trying to work out where it came from/ started as it was all so out of character for her then after some digging ( my daughter doesn't like opening up much and would rather bottle stuff up) I found out she was getting bullied quiet alot via text messages from girls she didn't even know (an old friend gave her number out) but she was just deleting the messages in away to try ignore them however all of their messages had play a big part of her issues!! At home she wasn't acting up much it was more infront of her friends she was acting up trying to be cool and fit in more :(