Hi Sisterhood,
I am struggling to get along with my 10 year old daughter. I had a terrible relationship with my mum and I want to break this cycle with us. I need help on the following things that are causing us to drift apart.
We’ve both said horrible things to each other but I am the adult and I need to be in control of this situation, as well as my tongue. So I seek your guidance and ideas.
Backchatting
Everything is back chat and arguing. I’m so tired of having to explain myself and feel like I’m begging and justifying why I need her to do something. All of my kids have a rotating chores roster but if I ask her to do anything that’s not on the list or “her job” then it’s instantly a screaming match “why do I have to do it?” “It’s not my job” “get someone else to do it Jesus Christ!” I’ve explained how it is not a difficult or hard task to help, it’s part of being a helpful person and part of a family. We all also have to do jobs that we don’t like doing - this is life! They are jobs like bins out, feed dog, unpack dishwasher. Not hard I don’t think!
Sticking her nose in other peoples business
She’s always getting involved in things that aren’t her concern and starting trouble. For example; will yell at her siblings “you have to get off your gadget now” and they will say “ok in a sec” then she yells at them again and says “no you have to get off now!” And then come and dob to us. It starts and argument with her siblings and then with us as we have asked her numerous times to stay out of it, worry about herself and to let us be the parent. I’m at my wits end! I need the arguing to stop!
Hygiene
She won’t wash her face as she doesn’t want water in her face. I’m worried about it getting dirty and in a few years time pimply which means that kids can be cruel and her self esteem can be affected. She won’t wash her hair unless I beg and plead as the weeks have gone by. She will only brush it on top as she won’t brush it underneath because she says the knots hurt her. I’ve tried explaining to keep on top of it by brushing it daily and properly and making sure she can run her hands through it. She refuses. Then when we do wash it she screams bloody murder because the knots are so hard to get out, even with a treatment put through it first! Her hair is below her bottom, so it really needs maintaining which she won’t do herself, or allow me too. I have said she might need to cut it to her shoulders to which she refuses as well. People have commented to her face how terrible it looks but she doesn’t seem bothered. I really don’t know what to do. I’m also worried about her hygiene when she gets her periods and starts to smell under her arms that she won’t be washing herself properly. It’s like she’s scared of soap! Any ideas?
Lastly - shoe laces.
She can’t tie her laces and is refusing to learn because it’s “too hard”. She tries for about a second before she yells out slamming the door saying “I can’t do it, it’s too hard”. I’ve tried reward charts, YouTube, and to show her the 2 ways I know how to tie them. I don’t know how to get her to see she needs to learn and she can’t just give up. She has to stick to this. It’s a life skill!!!
We get along great when we are out shopping and she is getting what she wants - sleepovers, lunch dates etc. I just need guidance to address and fix the above problems. I want us to be close. Please help me! I’m so worried about our relationship for now and the future.
Love one imperfect mum x
10 Replies
My son is 13 and is like this with shoe laces. He has severe anxiety! I think you need to get your daughter a referral from a good for a child psychologist. I think she has undiagnosed issues that she doesn’t know how to deal with. It comes across as naughty but she isn’t, it’s part of A condition. Please get her in now while you still have control and can get her there. once she is older you won’t be able to. Child psychologist are fantastic. Take this time together with her to get help.
Stop what you are doing! Stop she thinks you are attacking her. She sounds like she has a form of autism or something similar. You need to get professional help for her. The best thing you can do right now is see your dr for a care plan and get her professional help. They will support you also.
She is showing signs of autism
These things might not seem difficult to you but it sounds like she is really struggling to do this things. As other poster mentioned you need to get to the bottom of it. Something isn’t right and she may have a medical condition. It’s common with short attention span, unable to do these things, lashing out, so many things that you have pointed out. I feel for you both.
A girl I used to nanny was like this at the same age. She’s now 18 and just been diagnosed with autism. It is definitely worth getting some professional help
I agree with the other posters - this sounds like a sensory issue (with the face and hair washing/brushing) and probably under the umbrella of autism - the "backtalk" and needing to know why, apparent "refusal" to do jobs sounds like demand avoidance, obsession with fairness/justice, inappropriate social interactions (trying to parent her siblings), and poor motor skills like inability to tie shoes are all traits. Autism isn't all flappy hands and no eye contact, and often girls learn to mask autistic traits quickly to be socially acceptable. I would be seeking assistance from a psychologist and looking into assessment. She really sounds like she's struggling. As a high-masking autistic woman who wasn't diagnosed as a kid, I wish I'd had the opportunity to be diagnosed. I had a lot of struggles that might have been easier to handle had I known about my neurobiology earlier.
And get her some elastic laces 😊
As someone who works with special needs children (this includes kids with anxiety, intellectual impairment, coordination difficulty, just various difficulties doing daily tasks) I suggest that now that you have a list, you work your way through making each of these things easier for her.
Find out the reason theyre difficult, explain to her simply why we need to do them, get her on board with finding a solution.
The solution can be an easy fix. Dont block yourself into a fight over everything. You can but shoelace elastics from shoeshops. Easy solve. She can learn to tie laces at home but there's no pressure every morning at high stress time.
With jobs, i explain that we all get it done then we all rest. If she loses her shit, help her. Say ok, youve done all your planned chores, if you do the bins Ill sort the laundry tonight. Or help you sort the laundry.
With her hair, schedule hair brushing time into her schedule. 20 minutes every night. Hair washing an hour on sunday. You will need to help her, get her products, conditioner, wet brush, show her, remind her to use them each time until its a routine. Braid it up after to keep it good for 2 days running.
Face washing, help her find her way. Listen to her issues, explain why we need to wash our face daily. Show her a warm wet face cloth technique, or to do it in the shower, or spray water from a spray bottle and then wipe off with a face towel. Whatever works for her. Then get her the things she needs to do it and set the expectation that its done every morning and night. Schedule it in and actually help her, gently, until she is doing it herself.
Hi you poor Mumma. In a world of someone who hasn’t got any issues all these seem normal and frustrating as a parent but it sounds like she is really struggling and has autism. It’s not a bad thing, it just that she needs a diagnosis and support so you can both get the right help and have the tools to deal with it together. Please see a Dr with her and organise for a care plan and visit a psychologist together. They will assess her. I am pretty certain by what you are saying it autism. I see it all the time. Sensitive head, lack of attention span, unable to tie laces, melt downs, hygiene,
Try to remember to not be angry now and take a step back don’t pressure her just let her be. It’s not her being defiant. She can’t help these things and it’s the only way she knows how to express herself. She doesn’t know why she is like this herself.
My friend struggled with these things as a child. Shes an adult now and has recently been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. She distinctly remembers the shoe lace issue and she said she leart eventually when her mum and sister stopped putting pressure on her. As other's have said, go to your GP and get a referral for a paediatrician/child psychiatrist.
I think maybe you need to lower your expectations and remember she is only 10. We went through similar with my now 12year old however once she started puberty she changed instantly wanting to be clean and worried about how she looked. I think maybe if you try get down to her level with her and drop your expectations a little you will be on top of it all in no time.