Have never posted on a forum before but I really need advice/insight. So I have a beautiful, smart 9 year old daughter who I love with every fibre of my being. I am a Teacher and I constantly remind myself that I was her age once and everything is just a phase when you're young.
I have noticed that my daughter for the past few years have been very self concious about all the things I was worried about in my mid teens. I have in particular noticed that she just gets so embarassed to be seen with me and withholds any affection when I drop/pick her up from school. I get no goodbye or acknowledgement. She will even pry her hand away from me when we have to cross the road (I don't budge on this as her safety comes first). I've always been a firm believer in discussing things with my kids from a very early age as knowledge is such a powerful tool (I have a younger daughter also). I have had countless talks with her about why this happens how it makes me feel and try to come up with ways to meet in the middle. This morning I felt particulary vulnerable and we clashed as I felt the way she was talking to me was disrespectful. I told her that healthy relationships is a mixture of give and take and that I needed her to still respect me. I do her hair in the mornings for school but today I said that she needed to do it herself as I was too upset. She cried and I felt like the worse person, I wanted to cave and just give in but I also want her to see how her behaviour can have consequences/affect others. She did her hair but she looked so sad as I dropped her off to school and it broke me seeing her that way.
I'm in two mindset about this, this can either make her think about what we discussed or I've damaged her belief that I'm her safe place and that I love her unconditionally. Please tell me I'm not the only one that's going through this.
Heartbroken....feel like a horrible mother
Heartbroken....feel like a horrible mother
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt
10 Replies
Awww you poor mum. I wouldn’t worry too much, I think it’s just a faze she is going through. She is growing up and the kids at school may say things to her. On the weekends make the most of it and give her lots of cuddles and kisses. Sit her down and talk to her about why it is so important to give mum a hug and kiss goodbye each day. Don’t pressure her. I tell my kids life is so precious and I never want them to stop giving me hugs and a kiss but I understand if they don’t want to give me a hug or kiss anymore, it’s their choice. I also tell them, i am their mum and they are lucky that they have a mum Who is able to pick them up and drop off each day and to appreciate what they have. My 13 year old still gives me a hug and kiss in the car. I thought he would stop now he is in high school. My kids all do it, I don’t force them too, I have always just made them aware of how important it is though. All kids are different, mine might stop doing it as they get older and that is ok, it’s their choice as long as they understand why I think it is important then the rest is up to them
You know she loves you right.. Do you really need her to show you that in a way that satisfies your self esteem in public? While I think she needs to be respectful always.. don’t take her reluctance to hold your hand personally- it’s not a representation of your relationship.
Also at 9 I’m not sure she needs to be holding your hand crossing the road. Ask her to stay close. Empower her in the small things - let her have some control where possible. You might find the less you push the more she seeks you out for affection without prompting.
This is her inner turmoil. Ask her how is she feeling how can I support you.. she shouldn’t be responsible for your happiness.
I think following through and being consistent is important however love should also be unconditional. So I think it’s fair to say well if you continue to treat me poorly I won’t do your hair today - however give her the opportunity to win the privilege back.
Good luck mumma - we are raising girls in a time where physical appearance has so much more pressure and they have so many more influences..
My son is 13 and has chosen not to kiss me good night anymore, I’m not going to push it. It’s all a part of growing up, it hurts, but it isn’t a reflection of us, remember that mamma xx
Yep, I go by what my boys want. I’ll stand at their bedroom doors to say good night and tell them I love them. If they want a hug and kiss, then I’ll go in.
Ok i see two things I can suggest.
1. Never send your kid off unprepared or looking or feeling shit. Take a breath and fix her or help her.
2. Theres a lot of your emotions in there, and you turn your emotions around on her. It sounds quite a lot for such a little person. Shes not responsible for your feelings or moods. You need to be predictable and stable for her. I wonder if theres a deeper resentment or shes carrying your weight deeply and thats whats causing the rift. Nothing to do with embarrassment or peers, all to do with your bond.
I remember getting dropped off at school camp and not letting my mum get out of the car 😂. If you talk to her like a younger child this could be why, at school they have a reputation to uphold, she may be one of the cool kids and a mollycoddling mother is going to bring her down. This is serious stuff when you're 9. I think you need to give her just a bit more independence and let her have control over the affection she gives or receives, she shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to be kissed and you shouldn't take it personally.
You are her safe place and of course you love her without condition. But your child is not responsible for your happiness or self-esteem and you should respect the boundaries she is setting.
If she doesn't want to have public displays of affection, that is a boundary she has a right to set and you need to show her and that boundary the respect you would expect if you set a boundary for her.
At 9, unless she has very poor impulse control and runs away, I'm not sure she needs to hold your hand when crossing the street. Listening and looking and staying nearby you should be sufficient, as at this age they should have enough practise to almost do it unsupervised.
9 is a hard age. I've a 9 year old and it is CONSTANT backtalk at this age. Remember it is boundary pushing and it's normal and you need to try to remain calm and it's not personal.
You're a great mum and I'm certain she adores you xxx
You love your daughter. You want her to grow up being respectful and kind. Thats fantastic.
But you also need to understand and accept your daughter is growing up and as she does, she won't want to hold your hand and cuddle you in front of her friends. Thats perfectly normal. It doesnt mean she loves you any less. My older boys dont hug me at school drop off anymore but my little preppy does still and I know one day he won't want those goodbye hugs anymore either and that's ok.
Try and change your persepctive. She isnt loving you less, shes growing more independent. She needs to.
As for road crossing, shes old enough to just simply walk beside you.
If you're still struggling with your emotions, see a psychologist and do some CBT work. It'll help put a new perspective on your daughter growing up.
I would let her slowly try and be her own person. Perhaps she embarrassed because kids have said things to her.
Set some ground rules for crossing the road and let her do it herself with you.
It's good that you let her see that you were upset and how it's effecting you, but you also need to take into account that you would have been like that too. And it's just a part of growing up, don't take it to heart.
I work in a school and see it every morning. Kids growing up don't want mum to fuss over them, they want to be an independent person. They think they know how to do it, so let them try and to it themselves and see how she goes.
I can imagine it would feel horrible, and when I look back I probably treated my mum like that too - I feel horrible thinking I did that too her in hindsight. But it will be fine.
What your daughter did today was feel empathy, which is an amazing thing for a 9 year old. If I were you I would explain that feeling to her and explain its a healthy emotion to have. If we make someone else sad and we felt sad because of it, we are showing we have learnt.
There's some really cool emotions dictionary type books for kids!
Sounds like you are doing a great job x