So here it is...
Hi Ladies, I have an 11 year old daughter who has been through hell for a good 6 years straight, with my ex constantly yelling and swearing at us both. Now she was doing great since the break up over 2 years ago and I feel so bad I didn’t have the strength too leave when I knew that my ex treated her ever so badly also even when he raised her from only 1 year old. 😔😔
It doesn’t seem normal to have such a bad relationship with a step daughter when you have helped raise them from such a young age, and her behaviour eventually mimicked his and he hated it, which he couldn’t handle one bit, I would say monkey see monkey do.
She was doing great after we finally broke up, we were super close and then she started seeing her real dad again about a year ago. Her behaviour had become more and more aggressive towards me and siblings too the point in June I had too think of my own mental health and my other 2 kids.
Her dad condones her talking rudely, let’s her stay up until when ever she wants any night of the week, let’s her tell him what to do, let’s he’s talk too and send provocative pics too guys on Snapchat 😡😡
It got too the point where she was yelling at me swearing at me, pushing me and threatening too kill me, much like her dad and step dad did too me, and she would say her anger is all my fault for being with her step dad for 8 years.
Her behaviour goes beyond trauma, it’s now also spoilt and she is a half half mix of her dad and my ex. I couldn’t deal with her behaviour and lies and screaming up until midnight anymore, it was so hurtful and triggering I said enough is enough, would you like too go stay with dad and she said yes. I was finally overcoming the trauma and it felt like it was being rehashed through my daughter.
anyway I clearly failed her and she hates me, she laughs when she sees me at school and swears at me if I say hello. I’ve tried every single Avenue too get her help, through drs, school councilling etc but because she does well academically, no one will help 😔😔
I swore I would never ever allow my kids too feel the way I felt growing up, and I’ve done it too my own daughter.
I don’t know what I’m asking, I’m confused and thought she would miss me a little but nothing... she won’t answer calls or messages and I don’t know what to do from here.
any advice would be great, 😔😔
9 Replies
She’s lashing out at you (and rightfully so) given all the circumstances, you’ve thrown your hands up and walked away.
To fix things, you need to work on yourself and start building the relationship with your daughter.
Reconnect with your ex and start working towards common parenting goals.
Make sure she knows your door is open, and there are boundaries if/when she returns.
The swearing is an issue, but you are her mum. Go over and talk to her after school.
I honestly don't know. I don't know if working with the ex is a good idea or not. I'd say to get a Family psych opinion. Does she go to see anyone? Invite her to go with or without you? Find out the advice they offer on your situation.
I'd be very surprised if your daughter doesn't have some abandonment/rejection issues.
Bio dad was out of the picture until quite recently.
The only other father figure she'd known before that emotionally and verbally abused her for 8 years.
Then, when things got hard, you shipped her off to live with her bio dad who sounds negligent quite frankly.
It's no wonder she has this kind of attitude, it's kind of a self preservational "ill hurt them before they get a chance to hurt me" coping mechanism.
You seem to be able to acknowledge her trauma but in a way that it's secondary to yours. I also think it's really unfair to suggest that she's spoilt, she's living with a parent who doesn't care that she is potentially being victimised online. All of her behaviour is a trauma response, she is far from spoilt...
Your daughter is going to have a lot of demons to work through at some point, she's going to have a lot of resentment towards you and I feel like you guys are going to need some therapy to rebuild your relationship.
Right now though, you need to get yourself sorted so you can help your daughter. The whole "put your oxygen mask on first" deal.
Spoilt? Far out, that poor child.
Is there anyone decent willing to take her in since you kicked her out?
An aunt, uncle, grandparents?
Every important adult in this child’s life has let her down.
You wouldn’t want her to get in the way of your own healing, you’re out now, that’s all that matters, you’ve just handballed her to yet another abusive man.
Wow, what a sad story.
Her behaviour is beyond trauma, are you a trauma specialist? Pffff
Every avenue?
You book her in to see a private psychologist, it’s pretty simple.
Yes!!! 👏👏👏
I think my first reaction is to list all the stuff you have done wrong. But I think you know. And I think you probably already tell yourself that on a daily basis?
So here's what I would do.
Get your daughter back living with you. Tell her no matter what she does or says that you will love her and be there. Have firm boundries. And get some professional help.
I'm not sure who you have spoken to but being refused help because "she does well academically" is beyond nonsense.
And finally learn about the preteen brain, even without all the trauma there is soooo much going on in their brains at that age which really affect their logic.
All the best. Never stop fighting for her!
If she knew all she had done wrong and really felt it to her core, she wouldn’t have sent her to her dads. She needs to hear the blunt truth.
This poor girl is not beyond trauma, IT'S ALL TRAUMA!
Nobody wants her, her mother has palmed her off in a last ditch attempt to save herself at her expense!
She's 11, my heart breaks for her...