This will be all over the place but here we go !
So my brother cut our entire family off including his children. pretty much ghosted everyone. He moved away and started a new life .He became estranged and told his new partner that his family were horrible to him ect ( which was not the case , we were all close despite his toxic tendencies) since then we have not spoken and I still hold a lot of resentment towards him . He hurt us all and I have not been able to get over it for some reason .
We have not spoke for a few years , however he’s become close with our mother again . She always brings him up in conversation and it erks me so much .. I usually just brush it off and change the subject when she does . We don’t mention him in my home and I get really annoyed when he is brought up by anyone ( again I brush it off and change the subject to avoid getting worked up ) .
This sounds ridiculous but I’m so paranoid about being caught in the same room as him and having to interact with him , it gives me anxiety . I know my mother will want us to eventually but I just can’t …
Although I say we were close he was at times very abusive and at times made me feel very alone in a room full of people . He would belittle me and make me feel so insecure one day then be my best friend the next, was horrible for my mental health. I always tried to be a good sister , took him in and supported him through a lot and never expected anything in return . Him being out of my life has made me feel in some way better but at the same time empty .
I’m not sure what advice I’m asking but wondering if I’m being stupid for feeling this way .
how does anyone deal with this in a healthy way ?
12 Replies
Ok first you contradict yourself, you day your all close and fine and also abusive. You need to accept it's the 2nd and that he has his own truth and you can't say it's right or wrong. That'll help you understand and live with the whole thing. It sounds like any possible relationship would need very strong boundaries and you don't have them.
Secondly, I understand how shit it is to have an alienated family and then some are speaking and them carry on as if it's no issue as they're being spoken to, it doesn't matter anymore. But it is still your issue, and it makes it much harder to navigate. Again, strong boundaries. Tell your mother not to mention him around you as if everything's ok until he can be civil to you. Work towards a relationship where you are all civil. No judgement, no expectation, no getting into each other's business.
Duh you can be Close and fine, this what happens with mental abuse. So no she didn’t contradict anything.
So close and fine he cut the family off out of the blue? No. Your ignoring things and it's problematic to tell someone theres no issues when clearly there is. Especially to tell him his issues are totally made up but you've forgiven him for the issues you have against him. There's no way forward with that.
Maybe when the right timing allows, ask him why he ghosted. His feelings will be just as legitimate as yours. Something's happened that he hasn't been able to talk about either for one reason or another that only he knows.
Understanding and closure comes from asking questions and getting some form of answers. Its likely to be all that is needed to put this to rest .
He has his own story...you need to acknowledge that even if he's not willing to tell it. I have nothing to do with half my family and even though they know why they probably act dumb to themselves and those around them as to why I've cut them out. I don't care as my own mental health is more important. Your mum can talk about her own children, if you have an issue with it you need to deal with that, not her.
Do you not think it's bad form of the mum to chat about her son to a family member that hes cut off. Do the OPs feelings not count at all?
Different commenter here.
It sounds like OP is bothered when anyone brings her brother up in conversation or even if people mention him in passing. That is something she needs to work on for her own sake so she's not triggered every time she hears his name.
Working on her own reaction is more practical than expecting everyone else to stop talking about him.
No I don't think it's bad form. It would be bad form of the OP to expect other people not to chat about someone she's having issues with. I hate my ex but I still have to listen to conversations about him when with my older kids. Its part of life to not make things all about ourselves and just let people be.
Kids relationships with their parent is completely different. So to flip that you would discuss someones ex with them in terms of your continued relationship with them, your issues, your good times, as if their position and feelings don't matter?
Someone I knew cut themselves off from what I (and most other people) perceived as a beautiful, loving, picture perfect family. This person's siblings thought it was due to narcissism and just couldn't understand it.
This person went down a very dark path, they struggled with their mental health, got involved with drugs and dangerous lifestyle choices. Eventually it came out that this person had been sexually abused by an uncle and the parents had swept it all under the rug as to not rock the boat. To say everyone was shook was an understatement!
Now, let me be very clear - I am NOT suggesting anything of the sort has happened to your bother. I just wanted to point out that siblings who grew up in the same family/environment can have vastly different experiences and perceptions.
My little brother looks back on his childhood with nostalgia, I look back on my childhood with resent and the clarity to see that we were neglected and emotionally abused.
You might not be able to understand his reasoning but it would make perfect sense to him.
Secondly, I encourage you to make peace with it for your own sanity. For a long time I was angry and full of hatred towards both my parents for a long time - my mum for her mistreatment of us, my dad for turning a blind eye and playing happy families with his new wife while my brother and I suffered.
I have been able to come to some level of acceptance. My parents are who they are, I went through what I went through. Neither of those things can be changed!
I don't feel anything towards them now, no hatred, no love. Just that it is what it is.
Talk it through with a professional if you have to, it's very helpful.
You also need to remember that your mum is allowed to have a relationship with your brother. You can express that you'd rather not talk about him and I think it's more than fair to ask that she not ambush or surprise you with your bothers presence.
I have this with my sister. She isn’t so bad she just can’t take standing up to but will happily speak to everyone like shit. I’m the only one who speaks up to her in my family. So it’s always put on to me. I have nothing to do with her, she causes too many arguments. I don’t want to be part of it.
I don’t speak about her and when family mention her, I completely ignore it. I don’t care what they think, I need to do what I do to protect my mental health.
It’s hard shutting off but pretend they mention someone else’s name and not his. Ask them not to mention him around you again.
Cut back contact with those who mention him and when they ask why, explain to them why. If he is ever around, just leave. If the continue to mention him when you ask them not to, just hang up and tell them you will speak to them, when they stop mentioning his name. Tell them how sick is makes your feel.
My mum lived in a family similar to this - happy and secure on the outside and deeply toxic and emotionally stunted and borderline abusive and narcissistic if you scratched the surface only a little. To the point where there have been several massive fractures in the family over time. She did her duty (and brought us along for the ride) for years to turn up at family get togethers, and as the parents aged and eventually passed away, as their terminally ill youngest brother succumbed as well, she tried to continue contact with them but there was so much trauma, it was so toxic and exhausting that she eventually had to stop contact with them. And her sister's son (my cousin) cut his own mother off before that, and she never met her grandkids. I know my mum last spoke to her sister 10 years or so ago. And to this day, none of them know what they did wrong. None of them have the self-awareness to realise that they were so exhausting to deal with that she literally couldn't do it anymore.
All that to say that people don't just cut their families off. I'm not saying he's innocent, or you're completely at fault but I'm begging you to look deeper and see things for what they are. You and everyone else has likely got some responsibility to bear here. You can ask him but he possibly owes you nothing in that respect. I think you probably need to seek some assistance to look into it though.
Hugs.