My father in law passed away unexpectedly in hospital and I spent the next five days in a daze of supporting my husband and daughter, helping with arrangements, keeping the household running etc. I barely slept, sat down or ate. My parents helped me notify some people of the loss including my brother. I never heard from him and neither did my husband. So I contacted him on the day of the funeral to ask him if he knew as I was so confused as to why and to ask him to contact my husband to offer condolences. He did not do this and just asked me to contact him to let him know how it went. I asked my parents at the funeral and they said he was disappointed in me for not contacting him. I feel hurt that people I haven’t seen in years contacted us and sent flowers and my own brother can’t even text. Is the onus on the bereaved to do this or can family take the initiative when they’ve heard through a third party?
8 Replies
I take it your family were close to your inaws? I guess if he had that bond it may have been better coming from you since you are the strongest link between them...but at the same time he should been more considerate of how hard that time was for you and your husband and to just let things fly. There were people grieving and that trumps your brothers feelings. I would just be the bigger person and apologise for not letting him know personally and also use it as an opportunity to say how hard that period was for you while subtly hinting that supporting your husband and children was your priority, not anyone else.
I will just add to that my partners daughter in law's mother suddenly passed away a few years ago and we didn't find out until a few days later. Were we upset? No way, it was not our place to be upset at all. It was her loss and she was devastated while also trying to be there for 2 young siblings and my partners son was just flat out trying to support them all and deal with visitors etc. He just didn't think to tell us and time got away from him as I'm sure you know. It happens and your brother needs to be more understanding.
I see both sides. I also think some people just aren't good with grieving people. He may not have known what to say and then felt attacked for not giving the attention you wanted him to when you didn't even tell him, he just heard it through others. I think you need to make sure you don't turn your grief into misplaced anger because it's an easier emotion to deal with
This is where concentric circles of grief is a useful tool.
Basically support should turn inwards to the person closest to your FIL. In this case you supported your husband and daughter. Your parents and brother should have turned inwards to support you.
Basically your brother is being weird. When he heard the news, from who ever he heard it from, his thought should have been, how can I support my sister and her family. Not, how can I make this situation about me.
This!
You're right. It should, but I think it depends. I don't think it's unreasonable that OP supports husband and her parents, who she sought support from, support her. Her brother might not have seen himself in that circle. And then he might have felt he was attacked out of the blue.
Is your brother normally good with this sort of thing? Being that it's his sister's father-in-law, I would find it unusual that you'd expect him to touch base within days of the passing. Unless he is also close with your partner or his dad? I think you're expecting a bit much and you need to continue to focus on your immediate concerns - your partner and child.
People always make it about themselves it’s disgusting.