My daughter has a school friend who she's known since maybe prep or grade one.
They're both in grade seven now.
Over the years, I have bought or given this girl so many bare necessities she needed for school. We're talking pencil cases, stationery, spare uniform items we might’ve had lying around from my two older kids, lunch boxes, drink bottles, swimming caps, hair ties, accessories for book week or items for costume days, and probably other fairly inexpensive things along those lines. I also suspect my daughter shares her personal care items with her friend.
I always send my daughter with some extra coins on tuck shop days as well so her friend can get a treat too and if there's a free dress day or a fund-raiser of some sort I send an extra gold coin donation because otherwise she's the only kid there in uniform/not participating as her parents won't even give her one bloody dollar!
Don't get me wrong, I genuinely don't mind doing it, she's a lovely appreciative kid and I know from my own childhood how much it sucks to be the kid who doesn't have all the things they need or the kid who can't dress up or the kid who never gets tuck shop money.
My issue is with her parents. I can't help but feel slightly taken advantage of as I have 3 teenagers of my own and only a low income.
She's an only child and lives with her mum and dad on a 50/50 shedule. From what I have ascertained (which has not been hard to do given how publicly it's all transpired and from things this girl has actually confided in me), their separation was a pretty nasty one. Both of them work very well paying jobs but they tend to refuse to buy things for their daughter because one parent feels like its the other's responsibility and it becomes this stupid little stand off, it seems to escape them that their child is paying the price!
Obviously, I've gotten to know her parents to a degree over the years because of her and my daughters friendship. I can't get a great read on her mum but she seems to be nice, although very reserved and not the easiest person to approach.
The dad on the other hand is the most arrogant, misogynistic, thinks he's gods gift to women type of bloke I've ever had the misfortune of meeting. If I ever have to speak to him again it'll be too soon!
So I guess my question is, should I bring this up with her parents (or maybe just mum as I feel she'd be slightly more receptive)?
It's just now the girls are in high school, the things this dear girl may be going without are going to start getting more expensive.
Or should I just say to hell with her parents and help her where I can if I can afford to?
I just know I'd feel awful if I couldn't afford to buy it, so I'd probably end up finding a way to buy it anyway.
***Just to add***
I have mentioned her lacking necessities to teachers over the years in hopes they would discretely discuss it with her parents but they didn't seem to give a rats.
I also don't believe she's neglected, at least not physically (emotionally on the other hand may be a different story...) or to the point I feel anyone like FACS needs to be bought in.
But I mean she's fed, clothed, bathed appropriately and I've been in both her homes, she certainly doesn't have a lot of toys or possessions in either (not that that's necessarily a bad thing, I'd love to be more minimalist) but her living conditions are fine.
3 Replies
You're awesome for being the adult this kid needs over the years. I think it's time to just stand back and not buy anything for her, it might feel really awkward since you've been doing it so long but she is not your child and as you know high school is expensive. Her parents need to step up and buy her what she needs and they won't do that if you buy it first.
Don’t talk to the dad, not worth it. Talk to the mum, gently. They must know she is getting stuff from somewhere.
To me I wouldn’t talk to either parent… she has the necessities she needs etc. it’s sad she doesn’t have things that most have the privilege of. It’s certainly nothing reportable so just help where you can because if there is a child that will appreciate it… it will be your daughters friend. Obviously if you can’t afford it you can’t but I’d wouldn’t feel OK with just stopping being who you are to her. Show love and support because the parents sadly sound like they have their own agenda and you’re right she is the one missing out.