Hi girls,
I know this may sound childish, but I've been struggling with some serious insecurities. I got with my husband when I was 19 and he is about 10 years older. We've now been together for 3 years. However, my husband's ex wife has ALWAYS brought up the fact that she is his first wife, had his first child, etc. I'm not talking about a few times either, many many times.
At first I was never insecure with the idea of marrying a man that had done it all with someone else. However, after years of her pointing this out it has created a deep insecurity. I have to constantly remind myself that the past is the past, and to let it go. I know she does not want him back nor does he want to be with her, so I'm confused as to why she feels the need to bring this up. I know this all sounds immature which is why I'm seeking advice on how to move on from this insecurity.
Anyone else deal with this stuff before? How do you get over it? Do you eventually stop caring about your SO's past?
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31 Replies
It sounds like she's one of those weird competitive people where everything's a competition. And competitions are no fun if you're the only one in it so they have to make you feel like you're not as good them there for the loser of their weird as fuck competition. I have people like this in my family and whenever I'm near them they will compare things like phones, cars, houses, furniture, kids schools, kids sports. I have as little to do with them as possible but when they start gloating I just try and change the subject or stay on the same subject with a different direction.
She definitely is. She's not a bad person, and We used to be really good friends, but I've had to put distance between us because of this.
Not sure why you're such good friends, or even having conversations at all, did you know her before you got with him?
So you’d prefer that exes just have shitty relationships with the new partners? I think it’s great that they had a close kind of relationship. It’s about the kids at the end of the day
They don't have a close relationship though
No, I did not know her prior. At first, I really hoped her & I could be good friends. I used to spend a weekend every summer with my stepbrother's mom, & she was a big part of my childhood. My mom & my stepbrother's mom are best friends so that's honestly what I thought it was supposed to be like. My husband's ex & I were good friends for awhile, but I started to catch on to some of her games and her constantly trying to make me insecure. Now, I do not respond to anything that isn't strictly related to the kiddo.
No, I did not know her prior. At first, I really hoped her & I could be good friends. I used to spend a weekend every summer with my stepbrother's mom, & she was a big part of my childhood. My mom & my stepbrother's mom are best friends so that's honestly what I thought it was supposed to be like. My husband's ex & I were good friends for awhile, but I started to catch on to some of her games and her constantly trying to make me insecure. For example, even though we don't even talk about anything that's not related to the kiddo. She will send me random stuff. Like she sent me a picture of their wedding pictures recently as a "joke", old family pictures of the three of them when they were together, she'll talk about how his son is the most important because it's his firstborn son (I take it as a dig at our daughter), etc.
Boundaries are needed! It's ok to tell someone that's not ok to send things to you, or to say things that you disagree with.
If they don't like your boundary, or continue anyway, then you enforce the boundary yourself.
Just remind yourself that while she was the first, you’ll be the last 😉
Nah that's how you end up wasting time holding on to something that's not actually that great.
Regardless of if you make it or not, he has left her and they are divorced. That's what you need to think when she says that crap. She's hurt and going through her own thing.
You're young to be thinking forever, especially with a guy that left a wife and young kids, just enjoy it while it is and if you're not enjoying it or can't get over the fact he's older and has a past, then move on. These are the signs that tell us we're not comfortable. And comfort within ourselves is very important in life.
Calm down, it’s a joke to try and lighten her mood, hence the wink face 🙄
Hi, I see what you're saying, and I appreciate your point of view. We have been together for 3 years now, and We share a daughter together. However, she (admittedly) cheated on him, which is why their marriage ended. This happened 7 years ago. Can't say I fully agree with just upping and leaving him due to some insecurities I have.
Haha, I took it with no harm, and I appreciate the humor! Besides it's a good point!♥️♥️
Thank you!
Well no, you shouldn't up and leave now you are married and have a child. Those things don't instantly make things any better though, making it better takes work, and changing behaviours or thought processes.
Forget her, take a closer look at him.
What kind of 29 year old shacks up with a 19 year old?
Really? She is an adult and so is he. My partner and i are 9 years apart. I’m 31 and he is 40. Is this a problem too? Should i leave my amazing partner because you think the age gap is inappropriate?
This is how my parents felt as well, but they quickly saw why I fell in love with him! 😅
He's an amazing man. I was looking for an older man that was mature and not looking to play games.
Calm your farm, if you can't see the difference between a 19 year old and 31 year old, you need your head read.
As far as I'm concerned, no age gap really matters over 30.
19 is not long out of school, usually very little life experience.
Your comparison is ridiculous and you seem kind of defensive lol
We started dating when i was 20, so my 10 year very solid realtionship is bad? I was an adult when i pursued him.
Different commenter: It's great that you have a strong relationship. But it is unusual for a man that should be a very established adult to date a girl who is so young. And marrying and knocking her up so quickly? Ultimately, it could be a very happy and healthy relationship... But most people at 19 are still figuring out who they are. Such an age difference at that young age can be a red flag for a person who is wanting to be in control and have a submissive/easily manipulated partner.
It's a fair comment to make when a young woman who is married to an older man with a kid at such a young age seeks help with self esteem and insecurity issues. Gosh.... How many times do women on here comment that they didn't realise how much a partner manipulated them until they got away?
If this doesn't apply to your relationship though, great! You're not the person posting for help with insecurity
I really don't get why the finger is being pointed at my husband? Yes, these issues with insecurity are most likely related to being immature and younger, but that has nothing to do with him. There was no manipulation of any sort. I was the one that really wanted a baby, and he felt like it would be better to wait years. He told me he would only be willing to after I finished my college degree, because he felt like I would regret it. Looking back, it definitely wasn't the most timely or rational decision, but he didn't unknowingly knock me up. This is all about his ex wife & the comments she makes. (He had been divorced from his ex wife 3 1/2 years prior to him & I ever meeting too- since someone assumed they were still together when we met)
Because he's in his 30s and had a wife and kid and then went for a teen. There's a huge imbalance.
And, as said above, said teen is having a hard time dealing with it.
I'm the OP. Even if there is, were married with a baby now, so all of that is besides the point. Also I'm 22 now and was 19 when we met/started dating.
Honestly, she's probably the insecure one if she feels the need to project this air of superiority for being his first wife and producing his first child like any of that is actually important.
You're still quite young, I suspect that may play a part - I can remember being quite insecure and unsure of myself at that age but trust me, you get to a point where you run out of fucks to give and you learn to laugh at people who hold shit like this over people's heads.
Completely agree. What other people do is 100% a reflection on them. The sooner you really get that, nobody else can bother you.
If you get along well could it be she's kind of having a joke about it, like trying to acknowledge the difference between the two of you? Like I'm the first wife, you're the second? Wife 1 and wife 2? If you all get along and you feel she doesn't still have feelings for him it could really be that simple. A bit like how some adult siblings are to each other.
I wish that was it😭 I would love if that's how she meant it, but it's definitely not. She's just been really weird about it, sending me old pictures of them, even talking about sex with him, saying he loved being married to her, sending me pictures from their wedding, etc. there's many times it's been brought up but it seems to be in a "he was mine first" type of way.
Also, we are cordial, but we are definitely not friends anymore.
Wow she seems very passive aggressive. She is probably jealous of you and your baby. Try sending pictures back everytime she does it. Like OK, we're swapping pictures, cute.
It seems like a weird dynamic rather than intentionally mean. You were only 19, which is very young, when you started dating your husband and said that you wanted to be friends with her. She probably bonded with you a little bit like you were her little sister and wife number 1 and wife number 2 was a thing said with a laugh about it being an odd situation. But the gossip and bonding initially has changed because you're a little older and a mum now. I think maybe you have changed and she hasn't caught up with that.
I don't think you need to be insecure with anything. Maybe you should go out for coffee and explain how you're feeling.
The reason she brings it up is because of her own major insecurities. She feels like shit that her ex moved on, remarried and had more children to another women, so shes making these comments to try and ease her own inner pain over her shitty insecurities and build herself up.
I guess you either create boundaries and limit your time with her, or remind yourself every time she drops one of these petty comments that this is her insecurities leaking out and you do not need to tske them on as your own. Xx
Just ignore her and be happy with him. She’s enjoying this!