Please help. I'm at breaking point with my 8 year old daughter and feel like I've failed as a mother. She has ADHD but I feel theres something more at play. She has started acting out and throwing tantrums like she did when she was younger. If things don't go exactly to how she envisioned them she will throw herself on the floor and start jerking around and grunting. Emotional disregulation and sensory overload is common with ADHD but it's so severe lately. Her father and I divorced before she was 2 and have an amicable 50/50 relationship. She isn't medicated (he is against it), but I am under the impression the meds may only help with her focus and attention, not behaviour so much. She is very clever and when she does focus does well in school.
I have been diagnosed too with ADHD as an adult and I take medication for this. It doesn't help with mood so much. Everything is a battle. She refuses to let me touch her hair, or brush her teeth. Every morning leaves me feeling completely defeated, having to ask dozens of times for her to do things. She is super fussy with food and it's getting worse. She hunts down sugar (even if no sweets in the house, she will find a bag of sugar and eat it). She fights sleep, is extremely messy and disorganised even if I try to keep a routine and structure, chore/reward charts etc. She is touching herself inappropriately in public and displaying some more concerning behaviours, like touching others and not respecting their boundaries. But she doesn't listen or care about consequences.
She can be a kind, thoughtful, sensitive child and does show remorse on occasion when she has said hurtful things. I've tried to talk to her dad but he tends to just give her treats and let's her have her way. We both discipline and ive tried different methods, even mindfulness and meditation to calm her, but she just continues to be defiant and pessimistic - no matter how much I try to help her see the positives. She is lazy, complains about everything and I find it so hard to keep my own emotions in check when I too struggle and want to cry every day as I feel I don't know how to meet my own child's needs. Please be kind, I am at breaking point myself and need some constructive advice from those who are also parenting a spirited and strong willed child.
7 Replies
You need to take your child to a pediatrician or child psychologist to get really clear about where she's at and your options. Get a referral from your GP. If you need to go through the public system due to costs, the waiting lists are very long so get on that list asap. What has her teacher and school said - is this behaviour mirrored at school? As for medication, being able to be focused and attentive can definitely help with behaviour and self regulation. Imagine how frustrated you would feel if you had no control over your ability to concentrate, flitting from one thought to another and not understanding all of this because she's only 8? It sounds like you are trying really hard to help your daughter but sometimes we need the experts to help us out.
Paed, as a mother you most def know when something's up, the paed will be able to know what it is. As a teacher I can vouch that medication for ADHD most certainly can completely change behaviour and capability to regulate as well as focus and attention.
As someone who has also been diagnosed with adhd, have a look into executive dysfunction before calling your daughter lazy. Also, adhd causes low dopamine levels, which is why she hunts down sugar. Have a look into dopamine inducing foods, and try a reward system for good behaviour that she is interested in.
OP here. I have ADHD too so understand. It's more her attitude than laziness itself. It's hard as even though we both have ADHD, I forget what it's like to be in her shoes and I'm struggling twice as much trying to parent her and keep routines etc when it doesn't come easily to me either
Have you and Dad actually sat down with a doctor and had medications explained to you both? ADHD is a dysregulation of dopamine levels in the brain - causing people to exhibit impulsive, dopamine seeking behaviour and along with it, executive dysfunction and trouble keeping to routines. The medications help regulate the dopamine levels, tamping down some of the impulsive behaviours and helping to keep the person focused. Yes, the medications do have a reputation and some are stimulants but they're not to be feared.
I feel like Dad is doing her a massive disservice by not considering meds for her. If her pancreas was failing to make insulin naturally he wouldn't deny her the medication, would he? So if her brain is failing to regulate neurotransmitters, why not help her? She sounds as though she is really struggling. Maybe see if he'll allow a trial of meds, see if that helps.
As for your original question - ADHD, autism and ODD (which could also be PDA) do come together for a lot of people, so that's entirely possible.
I agree with getting her medication. That is a must. If your child had diabetes or epilepsy you would give her medication. This is no different and her dad needs to understand that. You both need to take her to see a paediatrician to discuss medication.
Also at 8 she could be starting puberty which will be mucking around with her moods etc and making her struggle more. Again she needs to see a paediatrician.
If your child couldn't see, would you stop her from wearing glasses because your ex was against it？