Trigger warning, DV
Bare with me
Im at an all time low. I thought years back after leaving my dv relationship pregnant things could never get any worse than this but I feel they have. This feeling of worthless of not wanting to be here any more is so strong I just can't shake it off. I'm seeing a psychologist soon but the wait lists are long.
I left my daughters dad with the clothes on my back 7 years ago. In that time I gave birth, lived such a tough life financially, mentally and physically. I did it all on my own no child support no nothing
I got some psychological help. I learnt to love my self.
I needed a job so I studied again, I moved 900kms away from my family to my dad so I could work and he could take my daughter to school as before school care is hefty.
I've worked my butt off and have saved $45k in the last year and a bit while paying rent.
I was doing it.
I've pushed my demons away let them sit in the back of my head with a lid on.
When I was 7 I lost my virginity to the boy down the Rd. My mother never believed me when I told her 2 years later after I learnt what sex was. I've had trust issues ever since. When I was 18 I then had sex again and he got up after and went to the pub leaving me so confused.
I was now a vet nurse with 30k in my bank at just 19!
When I was 19 I got with my daughters dad. I was so in love. I had a crush on him since I was 13 at high school. I honestly was in that sickly first love vibe.
When I was 20 he got controlling. 21 he didn't let me have a party. Infact on my 21st birthday he raped me. I've never been able to go down on a man again. He smashed my head into the bed. He had broken my eye on night with his elbow.
He locked me in our home smashing my car keys and phone. I was now pregnant and he was throwing me across the room.
I finally escaped. He is now with someone (got with her as soon as I was out) they have a kid together, seem happy. I just wasn't the one
I met someone when my daughter was one. Lasted 20 months he was cheating on me the whole time with his ex and others.
Felt like shit again. He now is with some engaged and they have a baby
So years on I meet another guy now im so happy in my self, it was time, and it just happened. I even gained so much trust I went down on him. He made me feel safe
And this is what has crashed me. He gaslighted me. Would only see me on his terms. Told me in the end he didn't like my daughter. He has torn me down so low I dont think I'll ever get up. I hate him. But before that I loved him SO f***n much.
He bounced between me and his ex (just an ex now kids together no nothing) She rocked up to his one arvo while I was on the couch pregnant. She didn't even know about me, why wouldn't he tell her he had moved on. She left him a note basically saying let's try again I love you.. were they still seeing each other for her to say that, we were together 14 months now.. he hid my from his family and friends. Told me to park my car around the back as he was scared his ex would damage it.. I was so dumb I know. I fell pregnant after months of trying with him in the "honey moon period". He just changed then. Didn't want to live me me and my daughter. Didn't ever stay the night. Said I was asking to much of him. Told me to go fuck my mate so he can take the baby on. I was confused as he wanted a baby so badly he was sad every time the test was negative. And IVO had to be taken out one night and I had a termination at 11 weeks. It killed me. But I was for the best.
This man is my undoing. It's a very long story but he has crushed me. He triggered my ptsd by punching things and words he said. Actions he did. Always made sure to tell me that I didn't care about him. I was ready to give him a kidney as his were failing. I tried so hard to love him he made it impossible and threw it back in my face.
I can't look at men any more. Im absolutely done with them and I'm only 28.
So this is where I'm feeling low. I work, I'm on DSP for PTSD depression anxiety etc. I've been told I'll lose it at 35.. I get FTB. I work 25 hours a week now.
Im so scared, my daughter will grow up. I'll be all alone. I don't think I can keep a mortgage going if I'll loose my benefits. Will I get a full time job?
I don't see any way out of just being stuck in a rental on my own and just being poor and lonely. Mentally ruined.
Im so damn broken. So broken I lye awake at night praying that a God will just take me away. My daughter is ADHD shes alot to handle. Im tried. My spirit is broken. I keep thinking about that baby that I was going to have this year. Keep thinking why did my ex not want to tell his parents about me let alone he was going to be a dad.. why did he say all those horrible things to me. Why did he come to my house in the middle of the night trying to break the door down that the police had to step in. Why do men always go back to exs. Why arnt I good enough, I thought I was but not any more. Why am I the one to be treated like im scum. Why am I still on my own when these mean men have families. Why did both my babies dads not want them.
I use to love my self now I just want to end my life. I have this rage in me. I want to punch my ex in the face and tell him he broke me, tell him that I didn't miscarry that I had no choice that I wanted to be free from him.
I don't know what I'm asking. I just have no one to talk to.
Im all alone where I am. My daughter will leave home. She will find a life for her self and I won't have anyone. I have no friends where I am (I have tried) and my dad won't be here forever.
I just honestly don't see a way out from what my future is going to hold.
Please tell me single mums it gets better?
I want to do my nursing but again I'll loose benefits cause ill go over 60 hours of work and study. Why is being a single mum so rough. And nurses can work nights. I can't do that. I can't relocate either as I have a child in school.. im absolutely done with all this anxiety 😢
Thanks for listening of you read it all
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6 Replies
You poor girl having gone through all this. How traumatising for you and I can understand why you feel like you do. Not all men are like this. I think relocating would be best for you. Move somewhere closer to friends or family. You are amazing and so bloody strong! you have been through hell and back and have come out the other end before, you can do it again. Forget about the men for a while and just focus on you and your daughter. Enjoy the time together with her. Eventually things will fall into to place. Don’t fall too quick and hold back with any future men until you know for sure, they want to commit and want to be involved in your daughters life. You aren’t the issue here, these cheating and low life men that you have come across are. You are the only one they did it too, they also did it to their partners, who would be hurting too. Please know that you aren’t alone and none of this is your fault. You have done it before, you can get that strength back to loving yourself and being confident on yourself. Take each day at a time. You will get there. I know so many women in similar situations as you. They blame themselves, yet the scumbags who do this to them think they are all that. Actual fact they are disgusting pigs! Don’t let them make you feel less about yourself because they aren’t decent humans. Study your nursing and chose your shifts to work around your daughter and yourself. You sound amazing to me, to save and do all that you have under your circumstances is awesome! continue on this path, you will get there. Don’t Listen to all the negative things that you tell yourself. Instead fill your thought with positive goals for you and your daughter. I hope things get better soon.
You have to stop thinking that without a man is alone. Build yourself up. You have your daughter, your dad, your family, make friends and build a really good network. This network, if you listen to them, will help you choose a guy before you just jump with love. Go slow and watch his actions. Or don’t even get one! Don’t stress over what will happen when you’re 35. That’s 7 years away!!
What I read in that is that you’re a hardworking, smart, money savvy chick who can sort herself out. In 7 years time you’ll probably be buying a property and starting some professional career. For now, just take time, take small steps, and just focus on yourself.
I don't have any advice but I just want to say that it is not you.
You have loved these "men" and they have treated you like crap. That is not on you nor is it any of your fault. You didn't do anything to deserve any of that.
These "men" are aholes, pure scum and they never deserved to have you, your love or your daughter.
Are you seeing a counsellor? If not I would recommend speaking to a DV service or Lifeline.
You and your daughter deserve to be loved and you will be. Your person is out there.
I also want to say that you are a great mum, to your daughter and to your baby in heaven
I really hope you read this, this is my story:
When I was 15 I was raped and then subsequently kicked out of my religious parents house, moved in with my boyfriend, left school and worked. He isolated me, he would beat me, he once told me being raped was my own fault and locked me outside all night in the middle of winter as punishment. He would cheat on me, spend all my earnings on drugs, I left, he went back to his ex, they now have a picture perfect life.
I met another guy, fell head over heals in love with him, I would do anything for him, ended up in the same cycle as my previous relationship except this time I was pregnant. I went through this with probably 5 different guys.
I had enough and fled town, made new friends and vowed to remain single.
I meet this guy and I instantly rejected him, didn't feel like I deserved someone like him, having a male in my life who was kind to me litterly made me feel sick. We remained friends for a while.
Something clicked in my head, the trauma I had faced had altered my perception of myself. I couldn't accept someone who loved me because I was raped and either not believed or punished for it. My self worth was non existent.
I worked really really hard on changing that.
Sometimes the hardest part about being abused, isn't the abuse itself but the battle we face after the fact.
Fast forward 10 years im married to that man I rejected, we have a family, we own a home and I'm about to finish my degree for my dream job.
There is a way out of this cycle you are in. No its not easy, but my God its worth it.
Find a support group, surround yourself with good people, keep a diary, find a good therapist who specializes in trauma and work on healing old wounds.
I promise you that no one is beyond help, there's always a way out. 🖤
I have considered for over a week if I should comment on this post....
In all the years you’ve been writing in, it’s always been the same themes, volatile relationships, madly in love to massively abusive, moving to family members, then hating family members, lonely, negative about the future, feeling low, self harm, moving, struggles with your daughter etc.
There’s a real pattern here and I don’t think it’s within your control to change it. I think you need very real and intensive therapy with both a psych and psychologist, for both medication and exploring your mental state. You deserve to live a peaceful life and so does your daughter, I beg you to do this for her. Imagine if the merry go round stopped, the extreme emotions.
Obviously we aren’t therapists here, but another lady once mentioned borderline personality disorder and certainly over the years you’ve written in, nothing has changed and it seems to fit, amongst other things. I want to be CLEAR, the abuse is NOT your fault, but time and time again, you are so lonely, you meet these guys, fall madly in love (idealise them) and miss all the red flags. Then you end up with these crazy psychos and it’s too late, you’re all in, plus your daughter is taken on the ride too.
I don’t want to offend you, but I just really want to see things change for you. In the past, we’ve said you’re too vulnerable, stay single, but you never heed that advice. Please, I implore you, get the help you deserve. You are worth it xxx
PS since your daughter has been in school, I presume you haven’t moved if you are still close to your dad. Congrats on that xxx