I have been separated from my ex for a while. We have 50:50 custody of our two middle school kids. We have tried many different scenarios and what seems to be working well for the kids is a week on/week off plan.
The issue is - I hate it. I hate it with every fibre of my being. On paper it works. They feel more settled, I get some “me” time, I can work more in the week I don’t have them etc but my soul aches. A week is so long without them.
They are at hard ages. I’m finding it to be the hardest ages so far.
Lately the weeks I have them have been tough weeks. They fight - CONSTANTLY. I feel like I’m shouting - constantly. They literally can’t even breathe next to each other without it being WW3.
I try. I try so hard to be calm and reasonable but they know how to push my buttons and boy do they do it.
So why is it only when they leave me for a week with their dad do I vow to do better? Do I wish I could have them back so I could be better? I am sitting here sobbing my heart out. Do they know I love them? Do they know that even though we have hard weeks I would die for them? Or do they think I drop them off and dance for joy at not having them for a week?
When I’m not with them I want to do better, be better. I arm myself with tools I can use to diffuse situations etc But then when I am with them, I can’t think straight, I get frustrated too easily and I forget everything.
I am so glad my ex and I separated. It was a marriage of pure misery. But I didn’t sign up to be a part time mum. And I hate it.
I am failing.
7 Replies
How many kids do you have? Just for this I will say 2. Maybe you could swap them so you each have one child at a time? It might do them some good to get out of each other's hair, it will also do you and your ex good as you won't be constantly trying to umpire. You would be spending more quality time with them and being able to find out more like issues at school that could be causing them to be so agitated. You also wouldn't get lonely.
I was a single mum for years. It sucks! Having to do everything on your own including bringing in the money, having to work twice as hard to get to the same point of everyone else, having everyone judge you while they treat your single dad ex like a God because he took the kids out for ice cream 🙄 it's fucking hard! It's also hard when their whole world has changed and they take all their negative emotions out on you because you're their safe space. I've learnt to ask for help and accept as much help as I can get. I really value my support network. I also told people at work and the kids school about my struggles which made them more understanding. You need to not let peoples opinions and judgments get to you either. When you're a single mum people think it gives them the right to be a rude shit about it and you'll get judged for anything. Tell them to either help you or piss off. You're not failing, you're surviving.
You’re not a part time mum. You’re always their mum. And you work double time when you have them. There’s no passing them off to him, or walking out, or even splitting the jobs. It’s ALL you, and it sounds like that’s what you’re struggling with. You don’t know how to take that break to step away and calm down when you need to. That’s something you can make a strategy for and practice while they’re not there. Maybe a board in your room of what kind of mum you want to be - patient, calm, talker not a shouter, so when you’re frustrated go to your room for a time out and remind yourself, compose yourself, calm yourself, think of how you’ll resolve it calmly and when you’re ready go out and do it.
I think sometimes it’s harder week on, week off, than 100 percent care.
It’s disjointed, you have to find your feet again, the noise level goes from 0 to 100.
When you have them all the time, I think you’re more used to the chaos.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re doing the best you can.
How many times have i had a bad day and watched them sleeping and vowed never to get angry with them again lol but of course it doesn’t last.
It’s hard, but you are giving them a relationship with dad and putting them first, above your own needs.
Sending you love and light x
I think you’ve nailed it on the head! I never thought of it like that. They are very loud, chaotic kids so as soon as they are home I can feel my anxiety levels rise and I lose my shit so easy. I don’t remember losing my shit as much when I had them 100% but it’s because I never had silence then haha now I have a week of it. I feel like everything is heightened doing week on/off. I feel so much pressure to make the week with me good, that it always ends up being horrible. When they argue with each other I flip because subconsciously I know I only have X amount of days left with them. It’s so hard :(
It’s mum life and you aren’t alone. I swear and curse my kids some days because they get like this. The minute I’m away from them, I just want them home. I hate being away from them but at the same time mentally , it helps me think and take time to get it together. It’s a tough gig. Us parents are all hard on ourselves, it’s normal. We love them and just want the best for them.
The fact that you speak like this shows me you are not only a good mum, you are a great mum!
Sometimes I think the deep rooted love we have for our kids makes us always strive to do better, no matter how well we do as mums!
I was working at a school recently, the kids came from really tough situations, parents had drug addictions, kids were undernourished, abused. I remember one kid had a mum who was MIA and his dad was in and out of jail. He LOVED his dad and was so excited when he got out, then within days his dad committed an armed robbery and was sent back to jail. This kid came to school and trashed the classroom, started threatening everyone and was visibly so distraught.
This made me think about all the times I bet myself up as a parent, for getting frustrated, for raising my voice, for feeling tired, for not spending enough time with my kids.
My kids have two imperfect but loving parents and get given everything they need.
Parenting is a tough gig, especially when you want the best for your kids.
But trust me when I say your kids have more thqn so so so many kids out there. Give yourself some slack. You are doing great ❤