Hi mummas!
Are there any mums out there that have given their ex baby daddy 80% custody of their child? I'm about to make the biggest decision of my entire life and I'm needing some other mummas opinions.
I (age 26) live in the same old small mining town as my ex (age 23), he's wanting to move 1300km away where there's lots more opportunities and lots more things to do for our 3 year old and for his future. We've been apart for 8 months now and have been doing weekly swap overs which has been great. He's been telling me he wants to move with our son for a few months now and at first I was against it as he wanted to do monthly swap overs which just isn't doable at all. Then after I threatened to have full custody he then said that he'll be moving 340km away instead.
Three weeks later after me having to work around his daycare and my work to see if I could make that possible, he changes his mind saying that it won't work for him and that he'll still be moving 1300km away. He's really an okay dad and I know that he's always trying his best. But I'm starting to lean against the idea of letting him have his son and me visiting on holidays and when I have my 7 days off of work as I'll be working the 7/7 roster.
I just feel so so bad for my son that he won't get to see his mummy regularly and I feel like a s*#t parent. I'm NOT giving up to my ex or letting him win or anything like that as my son is my world , I love him unconditionally. I just feel like it will all work out better for us all.
Please anyone thoughts?
Thank you for reading and sorry it's so long but I am a stuck mumma.
15 Replies
Why can’t you move too?
Is your job flexible ?
I wouldn’t move away from my child, but I would certainly move to be closer.
Or have a plan to move closer soon? Like start searching for housing and etc
Nope don’t give up your son. If he moves away, then he can’t do 50/50 it’s just not possible. If he wants 50/50 he stays. If you can both move it would work out, but there’s nothing to say he won’t move again and you’ll be stuck feeling like you have to follow, you don’t want to start that. If it was me I would stay and partner would get holidays and visits.
Agreed, don’t give up custody, it would be hard to get it back.
He’s moving, he loses regular custody.
I know theres exceptions and he could be extremely mature, but the facts he’s only 23 would also concern me.
You’re right, it’s a life changing decision, don’t do it.
Seek legal advice and don't change arrangements until a parenting plan is organized.
50/50 is impossible. He is 3 years old.
You would need to figure out how to communicate, set up child support arrangements (his dad will be receiving support,) you will need to understand that you will no longer have a say in day to day care or development because you will not be the primary carer. So when he starts preschool, you will more than likely not meet his teachers or have access to their feedback on his development and what interventions he might need. You won't be consulted about immediate medical attention or needs because you aren't there and will be notified at a later time if it's serious. Those immediate needs will be knee jerks and you might find out later that you were seemingly overlooked because it wasn't important enough to bother you with. Choosing schools won't be up to you, you might be included by having a parent b logged but he's not obligated to unless specifically told to do so and it wouldn't be feasible to have you as an emergency contact because what realistically could you do? 1300 km away? It would become dads responsibility to allocate emergency contacts which a viable and can act quickly.
If you really feel he is better off 1300 km away and ok to just be sent for holidays at his age, then ok. I honestly do not believe a 3 year old should be away from a primary care parent for long periods (holidays) until they are mature enough to understand that holidays arent forever. I very much doubt that will happen until big school starts. So if you want holidays, you will be flying the 1300 km to see him because no way would anyone put a 3 year old unaccompanied minor on a flight.
Are there consent orders? What is stopping him from relocating after this move and moving further away?
You really need legal advice. You cannot rely on Imperfect Mum to influence your decision in terms of this matter.
Why can't you move?
You’re making this a competition, threatening to take full custody and saying you’re not letting him win.
It sounds like your ex will be able to provide him with some amazing opportunities, would you consider also moving? Or work enough to save a decent amount and then move :)
If he moves, will you have care arrangements for your son on your 7 on? I think that's the biggest issue here. Also, if he moves away and takes your son with him, do you have the finances to fly over & stay somewhere on your 7 off?
Could you look at moving to the same town as him and go FIFO?
Another thing to consider, if he's moving to a new town for better oportunities, new job etc, he's 23 years old. Will he really want to be a fulltime parent or will he want to be out clubbing, dating etc?
Because unless he can afford a live-in nanny, it's going to put a serious dent in his brilliant new life.
I wouldn't do it, it doesn't seem like Dad knows what he wants and this could be the start of moving place to place to suit Dad and you will have a hard time trying to see him. It will also mean you have to pay him child support while also baring all the costs to see him like travel and accommodation.
This! If dad wants to move, let him but the child stays with you. My ex would move with the start and end of every relationship. So frustrating for the kids.
Is dad moving to where he has family support? better work opportunities? could you look for work in the same area? I personally wouldn't let me 3yo go with my other half ft and be the weekend parent. But you know what only you know if your son will be offered a great loving home, maybe your not the mum type so it's better for you to be the fun mum rather than the stressed out hating life FT mum (no judgment) . I would try and be closer than 1300 klms. That's a long way to visit and you hon your son as he goes into school knowing you can't make it for thr 30 min assembly or event. Maybe rather than you 2 fighting about who lives where agave a good chat about what's best for the t little dude.
No way never and your day he is only an ok dad! He isn’t fantastic or anything. Do not do this. You won’t get him back. Wait until he meets someone else, it will get worse and you won’t have a leg to stand on. Keep your son where he is and he can visit his dad!
No way in hell ever!
You sound young and a little naive. I’m not putting you down here but you need to understand how hard it is to get your son back once he leaves. How will you ex work? He is an ok dad? i wouldn’t be letting my child go anywhere with an ok Dad. I wouldn’t be letting my child be raised by their father in another place that is their choice to move to. Think this through and what if you can’t get him back.? Are you prepared to give your son up for good because that’s what will happen when things turn and a lengthy court case. Do not allow him to go!
I was recently put in this position. Lived in a small mining town and my husband and I split, he wanted to take our kids back to where his parents live, 800km away. I quit my job and moved down too, I can't have my kids stay with me as I'm staying with a friend but at least I get to see my kids almost daily. I got a new job with in 4 days so that wasn't an issue but housing is a huge issue so my kids father has him live with him and we are changing to 50/50 once I find suitable accommodation. I work shift work in nursing so my hours are pretty full-on too but we are going to make it work because at the end of the day it's best for kids to have both parents involved.
Don't do it. If he wanted to be dad to his son he would stay, or talk to you about both moving.
At 3 he doesn’t need opportunities, he needs his mum. I can’t believe you’re contemplating this, please don’t do it. Good luck to you.