My son is 13 and has been struggling to attend school since last year (year 7). In that time we have recognized how anxious he is and is attending counseling and is on medication. A big problem with not attending school is that he now feels very alone and that he has no friends. He came out as gay about 18 months ago which we fully support and he’s our same little boy he’s always been. Lately he has been referred to as the gay kid by a student in his class. Not called by his name but ‘the gay kid’. We have a pretty good relationship so he was open about this but I made a complaint to the school. This in turn led to consequences to the child who is doing this to my son. The day before this, the class were told off as a whole due to inappropriate language and use of a group chat they have on social media. I wasn’t aware of the classes being disciplined over this but my son had made me aware of the chat and shown me what was in it. I didn’t go into specifics when speaking with the principal but apparently another parent had complained therefore the chat with the class about it. I told the principal that the language etc getting used wasn’t the full reason of my sons refusal to go to school but isn’t helping the situation. The problem I have is I feel like a shit mum. I don’t want to sit back and allow other kids to feel like my son can’t be himself or get put down and called names for who he is but my son is crosse with me. He definitely does not want to attend school now and feels the whole class will think it’s his fault they all got in trouble even though my complaint was made after the class got a talking to. He also said he’s angry that I mentioned him being gay to his grandmother before he got to tell her himself. We are a fairly open family and I just didn’t think but he’s been holding on to this for so long and I feel like I’ve failed him and feel sick that he feels so upset with me and I broke his trust. I don’t really have a question but just needed a vent.
5 Replies
Have you thought about moving schools?
I know it's fairly early in the year and fairly early into his high school transition but if he's feeling that isolated and that ostracised, maybe a change of environment and a fresh start somewhere new is what he needs.
I also think maybe getting some counselling together would help you and your son see each other's point of view.
I’d also consider a change of schools. But I’d look around for some gay support groups for your son, and yourself. You need a community facing similar issues to support you through this. Even if that’s a private Facebook group. A lot can be learned from parents and older teens who have travelled the path before you.
Firstly, he has anxiety so everything is going to be a big deal and weird small things become a huge deal or problem to him. Not that you can’t take it seriously, but you also can’t carry it all on your shoulders, it’s definitely not healthy to live the way he is, so calmly fix things with him about grandma and promise not to do that again with news that’s his. As for school, explain that it has nothing to do with you or him and that was a different issue dealt with by the school.
You dealt with his issue, and you’ve shown him problems can be fixed. You did great.
He wont feel good about the people at school until he actually goes and realises it’s not as bad as he’s thinking though.
Keep healthy yourself, it’s very very difficult dealing with an anxious child. Try to get him out, spreading that little bubble a little more each day.
Move schools and keep him off social media. It’s acess to bullies. Change schools and he can keep these things to himself if he chooses.
If this was my human, i would consider 2 things, does he enjoy learning? can he be trusted to do set work without too much assistance? could he remote learn? keep him away from the trouble at school with out compromising his school? if not change schools, even state schools will have to consider out of area applications for safety reasons. I can see why he was upset bayou sharing HIS news. That said can you be humble enough to admit you stuffed up and you are learning with him. Keep telling him he is the best version of himself. Lastly can you find a local LGBTQI youth group? finding his people might allow him to find strength and confidence in himself. You are not a shit mum but it's a hard thing to navigate, and even without his sexuality being interesting to his peers, teens can be arseholes on a good day