I am 40 years old and trying to get pregnant with my new partner. I am really worried about how to tell my best friend when/if that happens. She is 44 and has 2 boys and desperately wants another baby. About 3 years ago she had an ectopic with her partner. They have since broken up and she is single. She found out on Saturday (which also happened to her birthday) that her exes new partner is pregnant. She was absolutely devastated. I know that if I eventually do get pregnant, it's going to hurt and upset her a lot - especially if the baby is a girl. I really don't want to hurt her but I know it's going to happen. How do I go about telling her?
18 Replies
I would catch up in person or do a Facetime call and talk to her before posting it anywhere online :)
Your happiness should not be invalidated by her sensitivity and also, her happiness should not ride on other people not being pregnant
Face to face.
Yes it will hurt her but it's a bitter-sweet hurt. She'll hurt for herself but it will not diminish her happiness for you.
I'd actually tell her before.
"Hey, you might have already suspected but x and I are trying for a baby. I wanted to tell you now, we don't know if it'll be successful or not....".
She can be sad for her loss, but if your best friend decides to choose anger when it comes to your happy news, then she isn’t a good friend.
I lost a baby and shortly after my best friend fell pregnant, i was beyond happy for. I cried to my husband and cried in private and was jealous but not for one second did she know how upset i was because i was genuinely happy for her so celebrated with her and enjoyed being a part of her experience.
If your best friend chooses anger, don’t entertain it. She needs to seek counseling for her issues and shouldn’t be directing the hate at you.
I wonder if you are my best friend posting this? This happened to me too with my bestie. I remember the day I told my bestie that I too was pregnant, we were so excited that we were doing this together. It was tough when she lost the baby and I knew she was terribly upset. Though I really appreciate that she was still beside me each step of the way. I love you Goob xx
Why would either of you be having babies at this advanced age? The health risks on mother and unborn baby are so much more likely, I'm 49 and I can't see sense in this, this is ridiculous.
Both of us have a child each from a previous relationship and really want to have one together. There's a huge difference between me being 40 and you being 49. I asked for advice on how to tell my best friend, not judgement on my ife choices. Check yourself!
I'd have said the same thing for low to mid 40's too, its hardly that huge a difference, don't get ahead of yourself. It's the 40's! Are you all there in the head? Think about the child to be!!
Yes I'm "all there" in the head. A lot of women have babies in their 40's now. Some even into their 50's. Again I fail to see how this is relevant to the question I asked.
Wow! Not even close to answering the question that was asked. Your opinion on having children in her/your 40’s is irrelevant…
Your not the one having or wanting a baby after 40 so back off with your rude opinion.
There is no need for your input at all.
What an irrelevant response. Ignore the age, that is not the question being asked here.
She's sad because she wants the kid she lost with her ex. She's 44, has 2 kids and is single. I'm sure she will be happy for you if you don't run things in her face.
Buy her a puppy.
Tell her to have a holiday.
She already has children, there's more to life than having babies!! Maybe she needs to find the joy in life outside of being pregnant?
And if you do happen to fall pregnant then just tell her exactly what you wrote here - that you know it will upset her but hopefully she can come around to the idea and be happy for you
Her situation isn’t your fault and you deserve to be happy and enjoy your moment. I have been trying for baby number 2 for 10 years, I’m in a good place now but for years any announcement would sting but I was awesome at hiding it to their face as I was genuinely happy for them, but upset for myself. Once the sting wore off I couldn’t have been more excited and treat all my friends babies like my own and it’s a beautiful role in their lives to have. I lost a little girl and thought I wouldn’t cope if someone I knew had a girl but I did. My best friend did end up telling me about her third in an awful way (I was at work and it was via text), she too was struggling with the news but it absolutely stung because she knew what I’d been through. Don’t make a huge deal when you tell her as in be all gushy about how she’s probably upset etc, don’t assume her response, tell her in a very brief encounter, not at the beginning of a visit where she can’t get away to process her feelings. Don’t tell her when out, maybe pop over with a coffee or even a phone call would be ok. Please remember you have every right to enjoy your moment, you’re a beautiful friend for even considering your friends feelings and that is more than some give to people in these circumstances.
Been through it myself and the person I considered to be my best friend and I haven’t spoken since I told her I was pregnant. She did however find out just after she stopped speaking to me that she was in fact pregnant at the same time. All I can tell you is be open and honest and tell her… if she is a true friend she will be happy for you, if not you will know!
I would tell her you’re trying with your partner and ask her how she would like to hear the news when the time comes. Would she prefer the news via text or phone call or in person. She may prefer a text.
Hold space for how she is feeling but don’t let it overtake the excitement of your own feelings in having a baby. It will be hard for her but also a very exciting experience for you and your partner. Good Luck.
I have been on both ends of this situation. You are a lovely friend for thinking of her, but your happiness in longing and wanting to be a parent should not be insignificant.
Meet with her in person and let her know how happy you and your partner are and exciting that you are trying for a baby. She should be happy that you are so happy and found someone.
I remember when I had separated with my ex, I had a child but mourned the fact that I may never be a mother again. My best friend told me that she was expecting. I cried, but more so because it was something I may never get to experience again. I was so happy for her though and she never saw that side.
Then I met a new partner and fell pregnant. It was the same time as she was pregnant again with her 3rd. Unfortunately, she lost the baby. I knew that she was happy for me, but understood that it was hard for her too as she would have had a child the same age. I did not have an easy pregnancy to start with either, and that was because I too was 40, early bleeding, seeing my OB weekly from 5 weeks. She was supportive, as I too was scared that this pregnancy could fail. She was asking how I was going, excited for me and there. I was there for her too to lend an ear and talk about her loss and trying again.
At the end of the day, she will be elated for you. Talk to her.
Her situation should have no baring on yours. My husband and I have been trying for over 6 years. If my best friend came and told me she was pregnant with her 4th, id be happy for her. Just because I am struggling, doesn't not mean others cannot move on with their lives.
But also, she's single? So unless she is attempting IVF with a sperm donor, she won't be falling any time soon.
I'd just be telling her. Can't put it off forever.