My 19 yr old son says he feels like he doesn't have a mother anymore. I have had a new partner for the past 2 years after a very tumultuous marriage..i do spend a fair bit of time with my partner a s we haven't lived together. We are planning to move in together with our younger children. My son says living with that many girls is too much.
We have argued a lot over the past year. He lives at home for free, pays absolutely nothing and I supply all food other than him wasting money on uber eats. He works part time and has just taken up uni. I'm proud of him for this and it's good to see him doing things. He says because of this he has no time to help but it was the same when he was unemployed.
He won't clean up, mow the lawn, vacuum the floor or clean his bathroom. He says I don't ask nicely, to be honest i have tried but he just refuses so when I ask I'm just already frustrated. My partner is very much one of those "everyone chips in" kind of people and I don't think we could all live together because my son will not lift a finger.
I have thought about just not moving in with him so my son doesn't feel abandoned but I also think, how long do I wait and live in these circumstances? I work a lot and coming home to constant mess and household chores and an adult child who refuses to help is so hard and I feel so unhappy.
The way he speaks to me is horrible and I just walk in the house usually and want to cry at how much i have to do. He's so messy!
He feels as though I'm off to start a new family and I hate that he feels that way. He's my family! My little guy! He always will be.
I just can't find a solution to all of this.
I just want everyone to be happy. Is it time he spreads his wings?
Is he too young and I'm expecting too much? I feel like I'm failing.
How do you connect with your 19 year old boy?
My heart is breaking.
9 Replies
He is not a boy. He is a young man and he needs to chip in and contribute. He needs to see what the world is like, spread his wings. He can live with you but he needs to contribute!! You are not doing him any favours by babying him.
I do think he needs to clean up after himself.
I guess though you probably needed to introduce that ten years ago and be consistent with your messaging.
Sit him down now tell him he either chips in for a cleaner? Or cleans up after himself. That is conditional on being board free.
However spreading his wings while at uni with no financial support would be extremely difficult.
My he needs to process his feelings around being abandoned by you with a psychologist. Is he alone a lot? Do you spend any quality time with him?
He needs to grow up a bit!
You definitely should not hold back your life for a 19 year old.
Reminds me of my sister loosing it when my parents decided to sell there house and move to suit there needs better. How dare they sell the ‘family house’.
Some people don’t like change, and your son sounds like he needs a reality check. He shouldn’t want you there every night, he should be at the stage where he is seriously building an independent life, and thinking of a future with you in it less.
Before you co-habit with your partner he needs a serious, you pull your socks up and contribute or you move out talk. He 19, not 14, and moving your partner in before you get him sorted (and you should absolutely follow through on evicting him if he doesn’t start contributing) it will be a disaster for your relationship and probably for your sons development.
Is this live in dad number three for your son?
Does tumultuous equal abusive relationship?
Is your son still healing from the last one?
Do you ever have any space between relationships?
Do you have a history of putting new partners before your kids?
I'm not accusing you of anything, just asking the questions. Just feels like a lot of unresolved issues with upur son to me. He also cant spread his wings when he's a uni student working pt, especially in the current housing market. I think counselling between you might be beneficial, I think his behaviour might be a symptom of other issues?
You continue to move in with your partner. What he doesn’t like it that he can’t pull the wool over your partners eyes and control his mum. You move in with your partner and pick days to do things with your son. Keep days for you and him. You can have both but your son also needs to step up and do stuff.
He is only 19....yes maybe an adult in yrs , but we've been through a world pandemic and lockdowns , so emotionally acting around 17. He feels abandoned , so please please do not now abandon him. I also have a 19 yr old son. They've been traumatized from the lockdowns ....just sit down and talk to him. Have it prepared. Tell him how much you love your little guy, how proud of him you are and how working and going to Uni is absolutely awesome! Point out that you never will leave him and the new family are not taking over from him, but hopefully you can make it work. Then discuss how we can improve things. Ask him what he thinks is fair? Can you agree on him putting away his own dishes every day, packing and unoakcing dishwasher once a day and doing a load of washing a week. Mow lawns every 3 weeks or something like that....just hold off on charging rent etc just build the relationship first . All these people saying ...make him leave....really? You will NEVER have your son back if you kick him out. Good luck .
I do have to be on your sons side here. I dont think you should move in together with your new partner and his kids. Regardless of age he is still your son and his feelings need to be priority. If you think that coming home to a messy house with your own kids is hard, imagine coming home to a messy house that is full of more kids (your new partners kids ) and your new partner have created. Do you think they will not create mess. I think you and your partner should live separately. Your son will clash with your new partner. Then you will be coming home to a messy house and conflict. Your priority needs to be creating a harmonious home for your kids. Still have your partner but you dont have to live him.
Maybe he has trauma from your last relationship
You need to talk to him. No demands, no judgment, no yelling.
I have one extremely messy younger teenage son.
As bad as it is, it is generally contained to their bedroom and maybe the kitchen.
I don’t understand what you are coming home crying about?
How the hell are you going to cope with a big blended family?
There’ll be heaps more washing, cooking and cleaning.
You talk about your son, who is a student like a stranger/boarder, rent free, you supply the food etc.
So much resentment for your own child, maybe he feels that to?
Do you spend any time with your son since you got your boyfriend?
Is he still reeling from the last boyfriend?
I’m so glad my parents didn’t judge me at this age, where you’re finding yourself and working out what to do next after high school finishes. They never asked for rent/board when I was at uni, just wanted us to do well and get a career.