I need advice.
My partner has been struggling a lot with mental health- almost to the point of hospitalisation. I have 2 children with my ex and we share custody.
Lately my partner has been in a bad headspace and after multiple instances of the kids lashing out and being particularly horrible to him he has withdrawn from them pretty much completely, for about 3 weeks now, some days they don’t even know that he is home because he wont make an appearance.
The thing is he still expects to be able to make/weigh in on decisions regarding them (usually saying no to everything) and yet wont even speak to them, citing their behaviour and how they speak to him as a reason and explaining that he doesn’t feel like he deserves it and he got to breaking point. I do not encourage or actually allow them to be this way but their own Dad is constantly in their ear with negativity which doesn’t help.
Of course this has caused issues but even more so because they were so close before. Even though I appreciate him withdrawing rather than projecting his anger/frustration onto them, We can’t live this way forever and he isn’t sure if his feelings of discontent towards the kids will ever change.
I have explained that we won’t work if he can’t find a way through this but he doesn’t see the problem with keeping things as they are, which makes no sense to me.
I am at the point of telling him that if he needs more time then he no longer holds any rights to making or weighing in on how I raise my kids and ultimately he either finds a way forward or moves out/we are over.
It’s not fair on my kids even though as far as they are aware he is just working a lot, it’s not fair on me either to have this pressure on me.
Has anyone been in this situation and came out the other side? I don’t want to lose him but I won’t keep up this farce for someone else’s benefit with no further benefit to any of us.
Please don’t attack me with this- fragile mumma
20 Replies
How old are your children? If they're old enough, like older than 5, they need to be aware it was their actions that have upset him. You don't get to treat someone badly then have it all forgotten about so you can do it again when you feel like it.
Your partner needs some space so he can think about whether this gig is for him. It sounds as though he has given up. Step parenting is a thankless job and there comes a time when if you're doing too much you have to remind yourself where the line is. He may want to scale things back. Your partner does not need to care for your kids or be part of parenting choices.
My kids are 10 and 7 and both have additional needs as well. They are very much aware of this as they are also hyper aware of any kind of subtle changes in the people around them thanks to their fathers behaviour (and mine too in a way I believe- not something I am proud of). My partner is the one who wants to make decisions ect so this is not an aspect that I am forcing on him. How do you go from the 7 yr old seeing someone as a parental figure to “scaling back” without causing irreparable long term damage to the kids confidence and belief on what love looks like?
My kids are 10 and 7 and both have additional needs as well. They are very much aware of this as they are also hyper aware of any kind of subtle changes in the people around them thanks to their fathers behaviour (and mine too in a way I believe- not something I am proud of). My partner is the one who wants to make decisions ect so this is not an aspect that I am forcing on him. How do you go from the 7 yr old seeing someone as a parental figure to “scaling back” without causing irreparable long term damage to the kids confidence and belief on what love looks like?
You step up and take over. Remind them you are their mother and you’ll always be there and be that constant, reliable figure.
He has poor mental health, your ex is getting the kids to deliberately treat him bad, I feel really sorry for him.
When I’m overwhelmed, I withdraw too.
If the kids are of a certain age and have really crossed the line into nastiness, I wouldn’t protect them from the consequences of their actions.
If my bio son is just a little mean, I let him know how much it hurt, this teaches him not to do it again and he usually thinks about it and feels bad. How are they going to learn if you sweep it under the rug?
Maybe if they apologize and he knows you have his back if they do it again and there are harsh consequences (from you, you need to do the discipline), he might feel better about it all. I think it would be difficult loving someone else’s kids, double that if they don’t respect you.
There’s a lady on here with step kids that treat her like shit and her story breaks my heart.
From the moment he has moved in the kids have grown so much in their level of understanding of supporting someone with mental health as well as boundaries- however they are still kids and have a lot to learn.
I do not in any way sweep anything under the rug, they have apologised by writing letters, saying it out loud- acknowledging what they did ect and trust me the consequences happen. They get grounded, lose technology ect, but now we are 3 weeks into his withdrawal- only from the kids, not life in general. Now they can’t apologise anyway because from the start he wouldn’t even give them the chance because he wouldn’t speak to them, and when I attempted to pass it on he just scoffed and went back to refusing to even speak about them in general conversation. He will hold a happy conversation with me about almost every other topic until one of the kids is mentioned or referred to, then he will just stop the conversation completely.
It is starting to feel alot like he wants to live here and be with me but pretend I don’t have kids that also live here, I feel like I am living a double life in my own house
From the moment he has moved in the kids have grown so much in their level of understanding of supporting someone with mental health as well as boundaries- however they are still kids and have a lot to learn.
I do not in any way sweep anything under the rug, they have apologised by writing letters, saying it out loud- acknowledging what they did ect and trust me the consequences happen. They get grounded, lose technology ect, but now we are 3 weeks into his withdrawal- only from the kids, not life in general. Now they can’t apologise anyway because from the start he wouldn’t even give them the chance because he wouldn’t speak to them, and when I attempted to pass it on he just scoffed and went back to refusing to even speak about them in general conversation. He will hold a happy conversation with me about almost every other topic until one of the kids is mentioned or referred to, then he will just stop the conversation completely.
It is starting to feel alot like he wants to live here and be with me but pretend I don’t have kids that also live here, I feel like I am living a double life in my own house
So you (he) need to sit down and sort it out with the children. He cannot switch off but make decisions out of ongoing spite hate and negativity. No, it’s not fair to settle into that.
I would actually say that from his behaviour the next step now is not to put it on the children. This is not a them issue. He’s withdrawn for 3 weeks???!!!
So at this point, he needs to sort it out with them through conversation. No blame, just “I found this hard, I didn’t respond right, but I would like to turn things around. Moving forward I promise to xyz. I expect from you xyz. Here’s how I’m going to let you know when I hear negativity: when you hear that please be mindful to turn it around”
But first, he has relationship repairing to do.
Or instead of blaming himself, the kids could learn to treat others with respect? After all, I'm sure this Mum would like to raise adults who will respect others not adults that think it's OK to abuse people to the point of break down. If they grow up to think it's their victims reaction that is the problem then they are learning it's OK to treat their partners, children like this and that's called DV.
If you read the actual post, all the op talks about is how hard it is on her and her kids, I find the lack of empathy for the partner quite concerning. He is after all the one being abused and loving kids that aren’t his but she sees herself and the kids as the victims.
Ok but they’re children, they’re not responsible for his mental health and they’re not the ones able to turn around a sinking ship if an adult isn’t happy.
As the adult, he has to parent fairly and handle situations properly, and if it isnt working for him he speaks to her or leaves.
And I definitely agree to handle it better in future, she needs to back him and it needs to be handled at the time. You just can’t do it 3 weeks late.
She doesn’t seem to value him, if there’s no benefit to her and the kids, he needs to go.
It sounds like she’s just using him and his poor mental health is an inconvenience to her.
The father talks bad about him to the kids.
I think the kids don’t respect him because both parents aren’t modeling that.
How does something use someone else as an inconvenience?
An inconvenience by definition is not something anyone would want to deal with
The backing definitely happened the they were punished in the moment by myself any time they have been disrespected. He doesn’t believe it’s enough and seems to simply want to pretend they don’t exist for a while, whilst living in the same house
So obviously I am coming from the perspective of my kids and I because that is what I am experiencing!
I definitely have empathy for my partner otherwise I wouldn’t even be questioning how insane or not this situation is! Do you ever consider how mental health affects those around a person suffering too? Or whether anyone else in the house suffers from mental health issues also?
We are not victims, and I am not coddling my kids, but we have done everything we can to approach this situation only to be shut down. Another major issue I have (which is in the post) is that even though he doesn’t want anything to do with them to even allow them to apologise to him, he still feels it’s his right to tell me what I can and can’t do with them/for them with arguments that can last days ensuing over the smallest things. Surely you can’t ignore the impact that would have on a child?
You said it yourself it’s not fair on your kids. Do you really want someone in your kids life that checks out when the going gets tough. That’s a cop out! If it was me, I’d let him go, if he can’t cope. You don’t get a say I’m discipline when you have checked out on them. Be with them and guide them firstly. Your ex also has nothing to do with it. This is your kids actions and how they feel in this situation and taught to deal with it. You don’t go hide away for 3 weeks. Depressed or not. What about yours and their mental health. If he can’t cope now, he won’t cope long term.
And I’m not putting shit on him, he’s depressed but if he is that bad he needs to go stay somewhere else, so it’s not affecting your kids. It will be affecting your kids. Forget your ex, you pull them into line.
This comment is on point!
I thought the kids were teens or something, they’re only young and with additional needs.
Yes he can’t avoid it all, he needs to deal or leave.
No, you can’t live like that.
Sounds like he not the right guy for you, not all men are cut out for families,