My daughter is 12 and basically Ive lost control.
She is disrespectful, doesnt listen and speaks rudely to adults.
How do I take back control?
If I threaten/take her phone she refuses to go to school - her grandmother takes her to school she will just be abusive towards her and not go. I work fulltime I cant not be there in the mornings. She has had a ridiculous amount of time off school already this year due to refusing to go.
She has tutoring appointments refuses to go - gets dropped off wont go into the room.
Basically she runs amuck and has got away with blue murder so how do I turn it around?
Please help with constructive ways to get her listen and show respect. She is currently seeing a councillor.
10 Replies
My daughter is 14 and we are living the same life. I am completely dumbfounded how I am speaking to other mothers to learn that this is a common thing these days.
When did this behaviour become acceptable, because I missed that memo...
I don't have answers. I feel I am failing just as bad at time. I will be watching for tips from others.
All the best.
I have 3 friends in same position. What they all have in common is they are working and their kids are left to it. Free to do what they want. Always on their phones , social media and won’t do anything else. Their parents who are my friends, always say they are working don’t have time to go to school or monitor them, so easier to let them be. I really think social media and phones has a lot to do with it. It certainly is with my friends kids. They all admit it, it’s too hard. I do know others who aren’t working and have a similar attitude. They leave them to it because it’s easier but in the long run, it’s destroying the kids. Cut the phones and social media and work with the kids and be pro active is getting them support and help. Schooling and mental health support.
Op, please don't listen to this woman and feel guilty about working, her friends probably don't exist....
I would suggest moving from a counsellor to psychologist.
Her behaviour could be due to so many things and likely a complex combination and a psychologist can help you get to the bottom of it. They will also give you strategies on how to parent her best.
Good luck x
Then you need to take time off work and sort this out and be there for her. Your daughter first. Take her phone away and stop allowing her to bribe you. She still isn’t going to school, so take it. Work with the school to come up with a plan together. There is also flexi school option. Be tough on her. Give her nothing. Make her help around the house and dinner etc. if she doesn’t. No phone. Each time she is disrespectful, take her phone for a week and keep adding on until she learns respect. Stick to it once you take her phone. Do not give in or give it back. Cut wifi off at home. No tv such as Netflix etc. get tough but also be there to help her though this schooling with the school.
We are having a lot of trouble with this also… we are working family but usually one parent is home during the day and the other works part time @ nights or casual to ensure we can be around more for the kids- but my 12 year old son is much the same- we are very old school morals and values - so we like to know where our children are - who with- we like to know the parents- drop them off etc - my son doesn’t have social media and a phone even though his in grade 6 - we constantly hear his the only one etc - all the other kids don’t do chores - all the other kids just go down the street , home till late - game for as long as they want - our children are allowed tech time but not endless and only if they have done homework, sports , chores , etc - so I don’t think it matters I think a lot of it comes from outside influences and a current society and stages - children know they can do as they please - my son threatens me all the time if you don’t I’ll just tell … you hit me … or I should just go kill myself - usually after I’ve asked him to do a chore or turn his game off … I find him very unmotivated , rude , he yells at me , threatens me with an open hand, flat out says it’s not my job, razzles his siblings up for entertainment, just constantly up for a debate, mouths off when ever spoken to , basically controls the mood of the house , also in counselling and a number of supports that he deliberately miss behaves in so they give up/ early finish times. I have nothing..: I’ve spoken to the police about his threats to stab me in my sleep and they’ve basically said due to his age they can’t do anything… I feel like children know no boundaries these days and even when set it really doesn’t faze him.
My biggest fear 😬 I don’t know how you parents of teens handle this- it was just unheard of when I was growing up, and if you did decide to talk back you would get smacked and it didn’t matter your age 😬 how on earth we are meant to parent these days. I know we know better and blah blah, but honestly when there are zero repercussions and no means of discipline that works 🤷♀️ what on earth are you supposed to do because I don’t fancy the idea of my boys walking all over me when they’re teens 😬 good luck Mama
Despite what you read, it isn’t that common to lose control of your kids.
I have a 15 year old boy and the worst I get it a sarcastic mumbled comment when he’s a bit pissed off.
Try and build a great connection with your kids, give them as many choices as possible, starting with when they’re toddlers (pink or blue cup, peas or beans). If you empower them, give them choices, you won’t have the power struggle that causes the rebellion.
Talk and listen to them, all the time. Enjoy them, value their opinions and insights from a young age, appreciate them. Show them you are their biggest supporter and on their team. When they go out into the world feeling loved, they are secure, they can concentrate on school work rather than getting attention or wanting to be cool. Every chance you get, show them how to be compassionate to others eg helping the old lady at the supermarket, always speak well of others, model respect etc.
Just build, build, build that connection, so even when they push away as teens, which is normal, it won’t be too extreme. You will no longer be cool or their super hero, but you also won’t be their enemy.
If she doesn’t want to go to school it’s probably for a reason. Find the reason (you can’t fix it but you can listen) build communication, find ways to have fun in silly ways if she’ll still let you.. remind yourself that’s she’s still a little girl in so many ways. And just send her to the room and whinge to your friends over text msgs when she’s being a brat
Teach by example.
Make sure you are having quality time and listening and respecting her also.
It's a tricky age. You have to know when to say I am the parent and I am making this call. And when you give her options to teach her how to make her own healthy choices.
Researching about pre teen and teen age puberty, hormones, and the stages she will go through will help you be prepared.
Allow her to be part of the decision making when it comes to chores, how everyone in the family will talk to and treat each other, consequences: both positive consequences and negative. Good luck.
Once it begins its extremely difficult to go back
My now sd16 went through a really bad few yrs
Shes foul mouth screams abuse
Smashes windows does drugs drinks has sex fell pregnant had an abortion disrespectful to parents / step parents it makes me sick
We have no control
We try our hardest
She's at school ATM
Good she's in therapy keep it up
Make sure u have someone to talk too as well aswell as a vent