I know I will get a lot of judgement for asking this and quite frankly I know I deserve it. I was young and selfish and didn't think of how my actions would hurt so many people.
I had an affair with a man who was married with children. The affair lasted 3 years during which time we had a child together but of course as these things go his wife found out about me and made him choose. He chose her of course and I never heard from him again. I don't even know if she ever found out we had a baby together. She was 6 months old at the time.
Fast forward to now and my daughter is of an age where she's going to start to ask questions about her father and I don't know what to say. Part of me thinks it would be better to tell her she was conceived by an anonymous sperm donor. The other part feels she deserves the truth. As hard as that will be, Ive done enough lying and covering up for one lifetime. I need to own up to my mistakes.
How can you explain to a child I regret my actions but don't for 1 ninuute regret having her?
Do I tell her who her father is and contact him to see if he has any interest in meeting his child?
Is there anyone out there who is a child of an affair? If so how did that affect you growing up?
Please try not to be too hard on me. The past is the past I'm not that person anymore.
9 Replies
I would tell his wife. She deserves to know and she deserves to choose how she approaches it with her kids because they will most likely find out eventually anyway, so him being a coward is setting her and her kids up for huge issues down the track. Let her know now.
Then what you do with your child won’t be so hard to navigate.
No judgement here. You both know what you were doing. You should reach out to the father but also tell Your daughter the truth how her father is. She doesn’t need to know about an affair. You tell her that you were with a man and had her and you loved her very but didn’t stay with her dad and he has a family of his own. She doesn’t need to know the ins and outs. Don’t lie to her. Reach out to him. He may not be with his wife. He’s prob cheated on her 100 times since. His wife and kids have a right to know. Of course you don’t want to upset them or your daughter but you need to get it out in the open and see if your daughter can have a relationship with his family. It would have been done from the start but hey you didn’t and you are doing your best now to deal with it best you can. He has a right to know. His family has a right to know. Your daughter has a right to know. Give them the choice. If they choose not to then deal with it and go from there. Send him a photo with her name etc and ask him he would like to know her. Save your daughter from all the details.
Don’t explain anything to your child. She has a dad someone that you aren’t with and it’s all she needs to know. Contact him and give him a chance to tell his wife and have time to process it and work together to meet her. As a wife, I would want to know. I have a right to know and so should she. Give him the chance first to tell her. It would be a shock.
I'm trying to think which is better - to grow up knowing you have a Dad and siblings that he loves but doesn't want to know you and all the confusion, rejection and self hate that might come with that OR being told your Mum can't remember your Dads name, growing up with that mystery and thinking well, if he knew me I bet he'd love me and having a childhood free from rejection. Then finding out the bitter truth when you're an adult and maybe able to process all that a bit better but risk being super pissed at your mum for lying.
I would go with the latter. Childhood trauma can shape our kids lives. She might hate you but at least you got her to adulthood without becoming a drug addict or life of crime. Sounds dramatic but it happens, rejection by a parent is traumatic for a child.
Was thinking the same, get her to adulthood unscathed and then dump it on her, poor little girl, she doesn’t deserve any of this....
It’s one thing to have an affair, we all make mistakes when we are young/inexperienced, but another story entirely to be irresponsible/selfish enough to bring an innocent child into it.
I am the child of a man who wanted nothing to do with me. I've never met him.
I knew from the start what the go was. My mum flat out told me when she found out she was pregnant, she told him and he wanted nothing to do with it.
Just be honest I think.
I am a child of an affair please tell your child in an age appropriate way let her know who her father is I am 40 and still have no idea who my dad is and it has effected my life
As someone who has been in a very similar situation my advice after my experience is to leave it be.
He knew about your daughter and was involved for 6 months before walking away from her, I think contacting him would open up another whole can of worms you may not be prepared for.
I simply told my child that her father didn't know how to be a daddy so he had to go away. At a young age she was satisfied with this answer. I had kept photos etc for when she got older so she could see what he looked like, what his family looked like and photos of us together.
At 5 he chose to come back into her life (when his wife finally found out about her through a passport application) which I allowed and was the worst thing I have ever done in my life. He saw her for approx 10 months and then so kindly evicted himself from our lives again. My daughter (now 10) still suffers psychologically from the damage he caused in those 10 months.
At the end of the day you can only do what your feel is best for your and your child. Best of luck xx
I am in my 40's and the child of an affair. My mother did tell him and he tried to do the right thing though. I had the monthly/fortnightly visits, stayed with him some school holidays etc. He is not on my birth certificate. She was 27 when I was born and he 30, so a bit different in that aspect. I would be honest with her in an age appropriate way. I almost wish I didn't know mine, we've had zero contact in around 15 years. Maybe contact him and ask him if he has interest in getting to know his daughter and take it from there.