My mum died 2 months ago and we collected her ashes on the weekend. Dad has the main urn, I have a small ‘keepsake’ size urn approximately 6-7cm high. I have placed it on my bedside table but my partner told me I needed to move it out of the bedroom and put it in the display cabinet. It gives me great comfort to have it close however my partner says it’s ‘creepy’, ‘wrong’, ‘morbid’ and that I need help because no one in their right mind would want to sleep with their dead mother in the bedroom. I explained it’s my way of grieving and there’s no right or wrong way. He got pretty angry and told me it’s a sick thing to want to do and he’s not sleeping with a corpse. He told me if I want to keep it in the room he’s not sleeping in there because he’s not sleeping with a dead body so I can pack my things and move out. I have moved the ashes to the cabinet but I’m just after opinions if it really is wrong to want to keep my mums ashes in our room on my bedside table?
22 Replies
I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm also really sorry that your partner is making this an even more difficult time ❤
If my partner lost his mum and wanted to keep a small urn on his bedside table, I would support that without question. It could stay there forever if it bought him some comfort.
I couldn't imagine adding to his pain by pressuring him to move it and telling him he could pack his bags if he didn't. I also couldn't imagine using such cutting language like dead, morbid, creepy and corpse - it's not a corpse, it's her ashes encased in an urn and it's not creepy, morbid or wrong to want to keep a part of your departed loved ones near by. You can even have the ashes of loved ones turned into jewellery which goes against his entire logic.
He is overreacting way too much. What does he think is going to happen? Ashes aren't exactly a corpse or a dead body. Maybe he watches too many scary movies? He would have been better off helping you create a nice spot for her instead of carrying on like a 2 year old about it. It's also a terrible way to speak to you knowing you're grieving, that's not supportive of you at all. There was a much better way for him to go about it if he truly is freaked out about the urn in your room.
He is the sick one for thinking in such a way. My mum had my dads ashes by her bedside for 5 years. She then moved them as time went on to a diff spot. Your husband needs to be understanding here. You have just lost your mum. He should be supporting you.
If he doesn’t like it then maybe he should sleep in another room lol . You could move them beside your bed where he can’t see them. I get he is creeped out but he should be supportive and not get angry over it.
How does he think you feel. Your whole life has just been ripped apart.
Stand firm and stand upto him on this. It’s the way he’s reacted that makes him a d..! there’s no need. If he was gentle about it and supportive yes then move them a bit further away but he is very inconsiderate of you at this time.
The only thing wrong here is his total disrespect to you at this time. How dare he!
It’s very normal for people to have them beside their bed, in fact most people I know do. If they don’t, they have them on a wardrobe in their room.
Honestly if this was me, I would take his advice and move out. I would be so angry and upset.
It’s not wrong, if it brings you comfort at this time and for how ever long then you do it.
No he’s wrong. It’s none of those things and he’s been very hurtful and unkind and ungentle when you deserve and need kindness.
It’s not a body, it’s the ashes, and it makes no difference to him so you go ahead and do what makes you comfortable. I have mine in a necklace as do all my siblings so your partner would have a fit and probably get a punch in the mouth If he pulled that with one of us.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I think it’s wrong your partner is asking you to move it, especially because a lot of time has not lapsed and you’re still grieving.
I have my pops ashes in a small urn as well but I also have a necklace with some of his ashes as well and his date of birth and date of passing on it. I wear this and keep my pops ashes hidden away until I can print out a photo of him to make a nice space for him, somewhere I can see him all the time.
Would you consider wearing a necklace with your some of your mum’s ashes in it? This might help with the closeness you’re still wanting right now, although you really should be able to have her by your bed if that’s what you want too ❤️
I’m sorry he is being a jerk about this
He's a cock.
I have the ashes of all my pets in the bedroom. My partner has never said a word about it.
I find ashes really creepy and think of them as psychologically unhealthy too. I don't understand why people find it comforting because to me its disturbing. That said, I don't think there is right or wrong in this scenario. You're grieving and if something is comforting to you, that's important. But it's his bedroom too and having your mother's ashes in there is making it a creepy and hostile space for him.
You both have valid feelings and need to find a situation that you can both be ok with.
I completely understand this point of view. Death freaks me out, I couldn't look at my kids Guinea Pig after it had gone and I can't even scoop dead goldfish out of the tank for their toilet funerals. So I'd certainly have some feelings about having someones ashes in my bedroom (though I wouldn't go as far as to say it's psychologically unhealthy to keep them).
My issue is with the way he's gone about expressing himself. Telling her she could either move the urn or pack her bags was callous and inexcusable. If a person can't be gentle and respectful with their spouse while they're grieving, that's a huge problem and it kind of speaks to the tone of the whole dynamic of their relationship.
What a thoughtful person would've said was "Honey, can we talk about the urn in the bedroom? I know it brings you some comfort but it makes me a bit uncomfortable having it in the bedroom. Do you think you're ready to move it to the sentimental stuff cabinet? Maybe we could frame a photo of your mum for the nightstand?".
I thought maybe if he worked himself up into a state before expressing himself. If they take a beat, hopefully they can speak about it respectfully and recognise that they can both view it very differently and still have valid thoughts on the matter
PS, I really like the idea of a photo as an option. I hope that helps the OP
Sorry but your kids Guinea pig is not the same. Your partner has just lost their parent, the most important pivotal, crushing milestone in their life. Your views don’t matter here.
I don't think you fully grasped the point I was trying to make but you are right, my views aren't important here.
But there's someone who's views do matter though and that's OPs partner. For whatever reason having an urn with ashes in the bedroom that is equal parts his makes him uncomfortable, he should be able to bring that up in a sensitive and mature way because that's how healthy relationships work - you talk out your issues, you compromise and you find solutions.
He didn't do that though, he was cruel and threw ultimatums. For that he was wrong without shadow of a doubt and that a separate issue that will require addressing.
However, he's not wrong for feeling uncomfortable with it. He's allowed to feel how he feels.
You're twisting her comment into a completely different point. You can't say her comment is meaningless when you are pretending she's saying something she isn't.
He’s allowed to feel how he feels but what kind of maniac puts his own feelings over his partner who has just lost a parent?! No, their feelings are not equal on this, he should know that his partners feelings trump his on this right now.
Your Husband is heartless! You only lost your mum 2 months ago.
I would kick him out of my bed and out of my house.
Maybe you could get some of your mums ashes putting a memorial jewellery piece, to keep her close to you. That may also help with your grieving process
Wow. I lost my Mum 2 months ago as well, and although she was buried my ex husband has literally been my biggest rock during my grieving because he lost a Mum too even if we aren't together he still loved my Mum and sometimes I think she loved him more then me because they were so alike. I can understand that it might be confronting to have the ashes in the bedroom, but to speak to you like that during one of the toughest times of your life screams red flags to me. You're exactly right that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but there sure as hell is a right and wrong way to treat someone grieving and honey he is going about it all wrong! How long have you two been together? Because surely if he knew your Mum and how close you obviously were he shouldn't be treating you like this x big hugs OP, I am sending you my love xx
I think in an instance like this, both peoples feelings are valid and need to be taken into account. I do understand what you're feeling, but perhaps he is really uncomfortable with the feeling of her ashes being in the bedroom, and you should keep in mind that it is his bed too.
I lost my dad in February, and I also have a keepsakes urn, mine is in our living room with a nice photo of him.
Your Mum passed 2 months ago and he’s being such an arsehole- incredibly insensitive. Pack your shit and go and put your Mum wherever the hell you want. Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, what an absolute fucking child!
It's been a while since you first posted this, I hope you're doing okay?
I know you'll probably be reading some of the comments saying his feelings are/were valid, which is true.
But I want you to remember though - his behaviour WAS NOT.
Im sorry for your loss.
Honestly i would feel a bit weirded out by it as well and wouldn't want it in my room next to my bed, so i can see where he is coming from, but in saying that i don't think he needs to be so insensitive about it to you.
A girlfriend of mine got a necklace locket made up for herself and her daughter when her partner died and put some of the ashes in that and wears it daily, maybe that might be a nice way to have her with you all the time, close to your heart.
Sorry for your loss.
I lost my grandma the start of November, she was more like my mum than my grandma as her and grandad raised me. when I had a convo with hubby about her bigger keepsake with ashes, he told me it would feel strange having it in our room. I absolutely understand him feeling uneasy about it and he also understands I need to do what I need to do so we made a compromise. I have a little keepsake I wear on a necklace and at night I take it off and put it on my bedside table, hubby is fine with that and grandmas bigger keepsake is out in the lounge room on one of my shelves.
There are many companies that make little keepsakes to wear around your neck, maybe both you and him would be ok with just a little of your mums ashes being in your room?