How much is a reasonable budget for the “breadwinner” to spend on himself a week?
We’re a family of 5 - 3 kids together.
We’re on about $1700/wk after taxes and we’re constantly struggling for money. House payments are $500/wk, bills, daycare and groceries $800/wk and hubby spends $300-400/wk on alcohol, cigarettes and lunches. He’s constantly pissed off at me for “spending all HIS money” even though I work as well. I feel like he overspends like crazy on dead shit stuff that doesn’t benefit his health or our family and I’m always copping the anxiety of trying to make the finances work. I’m aware we’re not getting paid bad but he won’t come to the table and cut down on his luxuries so we can have some savings. He believes he works and he deserves his smokes and alcohol yet his drinking makes him angry to the point that our kids and I are scared of him.
I’ve suggested he cuts one out and puts the spare money away to go on a holiday or buy a boat etc but he won’t. Meanwhile he always yells at me for not being able to afford these big luxuries.
I’m losing my mind over this and have been for years. Any advice on financial advisors/support would be welcome. Thank you 🥰
20 Replies
What, $300-$400 per week on lunches and booze is ridiculously high.
I think this is only partly about money, it sounds like he’s an alcoholic and honestly if he won’t change his behaviour yiu need to get your kids out of that situation.
This situation is not ok, and if the kids are frightened of him, it’s moved into abuse territory, take out the fact he was most likely financially abusive as well.
Leave run and don’t look back…
Go through the bank statements, add it all up and show him. My husband is the same, he buys his lunch, buys a carton of beer a week and smokes a packet a day so probably spends more than that. But we have separate finances so it's not really an issue, he does what he wants with his money and I do what I want with my money.
Thanks for all your responses x
I have added it up several times on different occasions, even told him that over the past 10 years he’s wasted over $120,000 on this toxic stuff and he just threw it back in my face and told me that’s what I could have earned if I didn’t have OUR kids. He doesn’t care that I sacrifice buying groceries some weeks in order to keep him happy with his luxuries.
The fact that you're forgoing necessities like groceries so he can smoke, eat trash and drink because he's an asshole without his vices is the heart of the problem here.
You could be bringing in $3000 a week and I guarantee you'd still be having the same sort of problems.
You actually need to put yourself and the kids first, you cannot continue living this way.
I would go through and tally it up what he has spent weekly on himself. Over the last 4 weeks. Physically show him just how much. Sometimes it hits different actually seeing it. I am also more concerned about his behaviours though and the effect it’s having on the kids. You definitely brushed over that and can’t just walk on eggshells and not address it. He’s spending an awful lot and it could 100% be best saved and budgeted. I would struggle hard with that as I’m big on budgets and having money aside for a rainy day…
If you’re a family there’s no breadwinner and definitely no hierarchy of who can spend more on themselves
My husband takes out $200 per week for his petrol, alcohol and smokes. The rest is left for me to pay bills, house etc and what ever else I like. You husband is selfish. $400 a week is huge 😳 he sounds like a pig!
Financial advisors are more about wealth building. Look for financial counsellors.
I'm not sure what they can do though if he's not on board.
Leave
The problem won’t go away with financial advice. He is an alcoholic and if you and the kids get scared when he drinks then it’s time to leave.
Do you know anything about addiction?
It’s not a choice, he’s not spending that money for fun.
I know nothing on the alcohol side, but I quit cigarettes because of the cost, and Jesus it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I also had to reach a point where I was ready, where I wanted to be a non smoker more than a smoker.
The first few weeks I literally didn’t want to live, have no idea how I got through it.
Telling him to “cut one” out won’t work, because as I said, it is no longer a choice.
Possibly have 3 accounts.
Spin off an account for you and an account for him.
Direct debit his $300 into his account (personally I think thats excessive) but if thats what he spends give it to him so he realises how much he is spending.
When he runs out of money he can clearly see what he and him only spent.
My hubby was funny with money, I did this.
We had account where his pay went in. I direct deposit $300 per week into my account for groceries and kids + I had a part time job.
I think I gave him $200 per week.
It actually worked well.
We run a business together now, I still pay him a wage and me a wage.
1800 respect have some brilliant ideas
If your Both only get $1700 a week combined $400 a week is almost half of his wages simply get seperate accounts tell him to pay the house payments and you get the groceries or something along those lines divide the bills up make sure the ones he pays are in his name. Or leave. You can’t tell him to stop spending the money he earnt on what he wants but if he is handed black and white obligations he will either step up or you’ll know it’s not worth it and leave
While my partner doesn't drink often and quit smoking a few years ago money has been a big issue with us in the past. We have a similiar weekly income to OP and my partner would easily spend $150+ per week on lunches and then want to buy whatever he feels he needs each week such as toys, hobbies, tools, etc. He would easily spend $400 per week then ask me to transfer more money to his account when his card would decline at the shops. He would then get upset with me when I would tell him he cant spend any more money that week because we have bills etc to pay. I handle the finances so it always ended up being my fault that we didn't have money to spend.
After years of tolerating his anger at me for "having no money" I forced him to put a banking app on his phone (which I had been asking him to do for years) and made him responsible for the family money. We went through our budget and I showed him how much is left over after bills and our agreed weekly savings. I still pay all the bills but the money for groceries, fuel and his lunches/spending is all put into his account each week and he's responsible for the grocery shopping and filling up the cars. Any money left over can then be used for his lunches/spending.
Things have improved so much. I realised that he just didn't really appreciate the value of money and how fast things add up.
I should note that my partner didn't have a problem with me spending "his money", he'd happily let me buy the world, but we can't afford it and now he understands 😅
Do you earn close to half of the weekly value? Why I'm asking is can you create a budget, and pay the family costs? use direct debits from your individual accounts into a joint account (that maybe he doesn't have easy access to ) then any left over money he can spend, but will give you the freedom to save a few dollars each week? I have learnt the hard way people are raised and manage money very differently, the analogy I heard that seems to fit people around me is there is the ant, they save and worry about the day they need something, plan and need security (totally me) and then there is the grasshopper, spends it all lives large and will figure any bill out the day it turns us, worst case will ask and ant to pick up the pieces.
There is also the other very serious side of what you said that he holds you accountable for the children, his vices are more important than family. I am not pro ultimatums, however you need to keep your children and self safe, it might be time to assess this situation, what would you tell your kids to do if they came to you with all this information? Values yourself, Good luck
At the end of the day you create the boundaries of what your willing to put up with.
This was my story 2yrs ago I decided he won't change and I can't make him and why do I have to come home from work get kids and make sure dinner is done before he would go mad because he was hungry then and their we never had holidays we only did free activities which was always just me and the kids cause he was tired or hing over or still drinking I moved in with family to save a bond applied for more work hrs and stuck to a Strick budget kids do after school sports and even on a low income I'm on track to buy a cheap house in a few yrs (me and ex didn't owen we rented) so was less ties but it's do able he apparently hardly drinks now as he can't afford to and I'm 100 happier alone we see him once a week he has dinner at mine and comes to see kids when he wants but it's not often and only for an hr or so your happiness matters too good luck
You need to run now, I waisted 20 years doing what you are doing. They dont change and you and your children deserve better.
You need to leave. This is not about money, it's about power and control. He won't change and you can choose to spend the rest of your life miserable and teaching your kids that this is what a relationship should look like OR you can go out alone and give yourself a chance to find happiness either on your own or with someone who respects you.
I have been through this and the only regret I had about leaving was not doing it sooner.
YOU DESERVE BETTER.