Sorry it’s a long one! I’m stuck between a rock & a hard place. Long story short, been in a relationship for 4 years with a guy. I have 2 children from a previous relationship. Partner is 9 yrs older, never been married, no kids. In the beginning he was like I had dreamt him up. Everyone loved him and was so happy for me. Eventually I started to see a lot of red flags, crazy family, over bearing mother, very flirty with other women, keeping in contact with ex’s, liking skanky pictures on Instagram etc. I should’ve walked then, but clearly I’m an idiot who thought he somehow would get it and change (mostly at his requests to give him a chance to do better and he was still learning etc).
Fast forward to now, partner still won’t commit to me. He bought us a house to make ‘our home’, but won’t let me make payments towards mortgage (in his name). We often fight over his messiness as I often feel like all I do is clean up after him. He claims I’m just ocd and need to relax. He also feel he shouldn’t have to do anything of the washing, cooking, cleaning as he doesn’t see me out cutting the lawn. We often fight over lack of consideration and sharing the mental load, which ends in him just stonewalling me for days then all of sudden acting like nothing happened.
I’m exhausted, depressed and mentally checked out. I feel like all the shit I looked past before mocks me daily and I’m not even sure I love him anymore. There’s just too much hurt and resentment. I recently secured a rental and paid the bond. Once I told him, he put all this effort into talking about counselling and managed to convince me it was a mistake to throw it all away. I withdrew my application and a week later felt I made a mistake. Now I’ve just found out I’m pregnant. He is thrilled, I on the other hand feel it’s a big mistake. The relationship already isn’t working and to bring a child into it has me so worried I will feel further resentment and hurt. I might also add he has said he wouldn’t feel comfortable committing to me, unless we have a baby! Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Did you leave and how did you live with the guilt? He’s told me if I leave he won’t support me, so obviously if I do I shouldn’t keep the baby. That to me just makes me feel like it’s al the more reason to leave.
13 Replies
Yikes. I think you know what you want and your 40. You can make your own decisions. If you're not on the mortgage or the title then you've got someone who is all the way in control and if he only will commit to you by using this baby as a bargaining chip, I think you need to get some support and further legal advice.
I might just add that just because you're not on the title doesn't mean it's not half yours, even if you don't contribute to the mortgage directly if you are doing other stuff it is the same as contributing.
It's up to you if you keep this baby. Personally I wouldn't. I also wouldn't be surprised if he already has kids around the place that he has deserted because he broke up with the mother just going by his "won't support you" comment. Like he's been there, done that before. He sounds like a massive child. If you leave and keep the baby, try and stay until after baby is born then take him to court to get what you can as you already know he's not going to support his kid so you should set yourself up as much as possible. If you decide to terminate tell him you miscarried so you don't go through more trauma with him and his family.
You know you have to finally get your head out of the sand and confront this.
You know you need to ultimately leave.
In terms of the baby, make a decision based on being a single mum.
Youve done it before lovely, so you know what’s involved, so you’ll be making the right decision for you.
But whatever you do, don’t have the baby convincing yourself it will make things better between you two, because you know that’s a lie.
Yeah he’s not going to commit with a baby. He’s going to make your life hell. He’s going to make your pregnancy and newborn and motherhood stages HELL. He’s going to destroy you, and eveby time you try to fix yourself or better yourself or get yourself out he will do that again where he convinces you, pressures you or just makes it so difficult that you give it up.
You’ve seen all you need to know this is not a good relationship for you. Maybe you just don’t understand how bad it can get for you. You’re playing with your life - your well-being, mental health, physical health, happiness, the life you live. Yes I’ve been there and no I would never ever ever give someone that change to destroy me again. The toll it takes is huge don’t underestimate that, the work to leave and to overcome the damage is huge. Really think about this, and don’t imagine or give the benefit that he’ll change or that those good bits will make up for the bad - really look at the facts of what you have in front of you.
If I was in your position I would terminate and claim you had a miscarriage and then run far, far away.
Amen to this 🙌 I would do the same.
Same. You know their selfish behaviours and cheating worsens in pregnancy.
💯 agree! I would be done organise a lawyer, settle all this asap, and get on with your life alone
I would leave and either raise the baby alone or make the decision to terminate early. If he is like that already I can’t see things getting better with a baby. You’ll need to prepare yourself to be a single parent to 3 kids. Goodluck with whatever you decide xxxx big hugs.
Why are you listening to him. If you leave he won’t support you. Of course he will. He is bluffing you, it’s his first kid. like you said he worked hard at it last time you went to rent a place. He is bluffing. Move out and raise the baby. He shown his true colours. Sounds like a childish dick
Yes to this ! You leaving might be what he needs to finally grow up. But don't stay hoping he'll change. Btw, does he mow the lawn/wash car 3 times a day like you prep meals/clean house etc.?
Girl please no! He won't commit even with a baby, he might for a little while but when the 'honeymoon' phase is over he will be zero help to you!!
Take your kids and go live your life. He is too old to use the 'I'm still learning' line.
Run. Run for the hills, but first terminate the pregnancy. Do you really want to be tied to this jackass for the rest of your life? This is your chance to get out. Do it now and be free.