If your adult son fathered a child but chose to walk away and not have a relationship with the child would.you want to know and would you want a relationship with your grandchild despite your son not having one with their child?
This is the issue im facing. I'd like to give my ex inlaws a chance to be a part of their grandchild's life but my ex has made it clear he wants me out of his life for good and has never even told his parents that our child exists. He walked out when he found out i was pregnant and went back to his wife.
I fear being rejected by his parents too but if there's a chance my child could build a relationship with them maybe they would want to have that opportunity.
13 Replies
Umm if he is married I would kind of just let it be. Are you wanting to tell them for their sake or to "dob" on your ex and create trouble for him? You also have to think of your child. How confusing will it be for them knowing that they are their dads parents but dad does not want anything to do with them? What about meeting siblings and cousins at their grandparents house who all have a relationship with the dad but not your child? I would just concentrate on your own little family, keep people in your lives who don't need to hide anything or be ashamed of your kids existence.
I would be devestated if I had a grandchild I didn't know about. Even if my son was a complete asshat (as this one sounds) I would want to be a part of that child's life, even if I had to keep it separate to the rest of my family. I know my daughter would also want that child to meet her children - they're cousins.
If I were you, I would message or email the grandparents, and make it clear that shitbag wants nothing to do with you or the child, but that you're happy to give the grandparents a chance to have a relationship with the child if they wish to.
I guess you would need to be prepared for them to reject you though; there is the possibility that he'll tell them it's not his kid and maybe say horrible things about you. In that case, you simply move on without any further contact. You won't have lost anything by offering.
His family, so it’s up to him if he tells them.
I wouldn’t insert myself into their life and I wouldn’t want their involvement if the father wasn’t a part of it too.
Very confusing and hurtful for your child, add in if your child accidentally meets his other kids who do have a dad.
I go with the philosophy, if they tell you up front when you’re pregnant that they don’t want the child, then I would leave them be, never contact them again. I would accept you’re going to do it alone, with your family only.
Of course they should financially support their child, so make sure you give details to child support for them to contact him. Again, there’s no need for you to contact him.
This is interesting point of view.
Did you know if such a thing called Grandparents rights?
Any single parent can be legally taken to family court for the grandparent to exercise their right to the child as it’s in the “child’s best interest”.
The courts favour the value of a grandparent.
Yes telll them
My partner has never met his biological father or any of his paternal extended family. Very similar circumstances to yours.
I asked him if he'd have liked a relationship with his grandparents growing up or if he felt any resentment for not having them in his life. He said no.
He feels like having some type of contact or relationship with his grandparents would have been a painful reminder that his dad didn't want him and he said it would have made him feel like a bit of an outsider or like he didn't fully belong because of the situation.
Growing up with a father who chose not to be involved tends to leave a bit of an emotional wound as it is, so I think you really need to consider if this is a good idea. The grandparents feelings and desire for a relationship is entirely secondary to the best interests of your child.
Interesting comments already posted. In my personal experience I am the grandma who has a relationship with my granddaughter and her mother but my son has all but rejected his daughter. And me as a consequence. I have taken the approach that children can not be loved too much. It is important that she knows her family loves her no matter what her parents relationship is like. The parents are adults and can make their own choices. Children have to deal with this fall out. Grandmas are there to love children. Love is a sentence 💞
Nope. So much more trouble than it’s worth. You’re better off without all of them. Be glad they’re not fighting you for custody. Things could always be worse. So much worse.
Ooh I wouldn't. That's a big can of worms you'd open for his family.
If he's walked away, in theory you'd then be asking his family to pick between him and you/your baby.
My biological father walked away before I was born. I never met the man or his family. I have absolutely no desire to want to be involved in that family as I have an amazing family of my own that love and support me.
I'd leave it, and if your child in however many years down the track wants to look for their father on their own then let them. But honestly I wouldn't be involved with him if he's already walked away.
My partner and I were in this situation, and yes we wanted to know. We knew there was a child, but had been told the mother wanted nothing to do with us. Unbeknownst to us, she had been told the same by him and that we wanted nothing to do with her. It wasn’t until new information came to light and the family reached out to her. As a result there is now a relationship of sorts between her, and our grandchild that excludes our son.
Depends why you’re doing it. Is it to stay in his life, make his life uncomfy and awkward? Is it revenge? To show him you can pop up anytime? If it’s a newborn then maybe it makes sense why, but if said child is like 5 then I’d say wrong reasons and that’s unfair on everyone And cruel of you
I hope my son never does this to a child of his in the future but if he did, I and my husband would absolutely want to be apart of our grandchild's life.
It is by no fault of this child, that is father is a cheating ass, but your child deserves to know the other side of his family.
I would reach out to them and if they want to be apart of the child's life then great, if not you have tried and it is then his loss
Please reach out. Exact same situation I faced 18yrs ago and when my daughter turned 5 I was summoned to court for shared custody!
In that eye opening and super expensive journey, I learnt Grandparents have rights, your child has rights and the courts will favour the one who makes the first move.
Reach out and offer an invitation to mediation through a family relationship centre.
If by chance they reject you - document it for if they change their mind and try later you have evidence to support you. Going through a family relationship centre helps you immensely, they also have councillors there to help.
It’s a super tricky situation to navigate. You have think from your child’s best interest/benefit not your own - I often blurred the 2 just from trusting my gut.