Hi! I need some advice. A few years ago my ex didn't return My sons from school holidays. I fought so hard to get my boys home it's just a constant battle :( One has come home he came back a year ago because he got over being there. It's taken some work to get him back to how he used to be.
But now I'm struggling with my 14 year he is so so brainwashed by his father, the dad has laid on massive guilt on my son.
The thing is My ex hasn't worked for over 15 years. He now is on the verge of homelessness with my son. They are currently staying in a very dingy motel. They have no money. My ex cannot get a house because he keeps getting evicted for not paying rent. The only way he got this house was from his ex girlfriend.
But now his completely screwed. I can't have my ex here because he will never ever leave.
My 14 yr old is meant to be in year 7 he hadn't gone to school since primary. He has no social skills because my ex suffers from agoraphobia. He has no basic hygiene. No friends apart from online.
I want him home but he is just refusing so much because he says if I leave mum I know dad won't live much longer š
It would kill my son if I just took him as there is no orders in place.
I've talking to him thay this is no life to live. My son is an anxious mess but won't ever leave his dad even if it means they live on the street he would go with his dad.
They have no car my ex has lost everything.
I just want my son home. They have has social workers saying he needs to come home but he won't listen to anyone.
What can I do I really don't want to called DHS I'm scared they will take him away š
I have a house a car. I have My stuff together, I have 2 jobs and can give him the world but he would rather live like this
Who can I call to make him see that he needs to come home without traumatising him.
How do I get my son back :(
How do I get my son back :(
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
39 Replies
For your sons sake consider taking them both in? I know I'm going to get slammed but... He's homeless and being neglected. Dad is probably keeping him for the money. Children's services will do nothing because of his age and I know how tough alienation is and this is your chance to end it. While your ex is in your home keep a diary of everything, his mental health his impact on his kids. If he doesn't leave after a time frame you can have police remove him from your home. Get counselling for your kids.
Agree, thereās no other solution.
This is a really toxic codependent relationship, the longer heās with him, the worse the permanent damage gets.
You need to step up ASAP, your sons entire future is at stake.
I can't take him in his just a leech. He has taken everything from me from both my houses, he owes my dad 10 thousand dollars. I have been helping him for so many years to getting him jobs to just being there. Even my partner has tried to help him. All my kids are too him is a centerlink pay. I don't mean to be blunt he is a good person buy he just lies all the time. I can't help him I've tried only he can help himself at this stage.
I never said help him, put no emotional energy into him, just house him.
Donāt give him money.
Put all your effort into your son.
He can only take what you give him.
Ridiculous idea to house a lying thief . I absolutely wouldn't either. . Your son is 14 he will come home eventually . Not a lot you can do. I know it's painful. But he's 14.
Ridiculous idea to make sure your kid is getting an education, roof over his head, food, showering etc etc... You know all of those basic things we need to do or else they probably should be taken off you.. She said nothing about him being a thief only that he will never leave, when that's easy fixed. I can't believe he was left in that situation for so long and people think it's OK to wait for their kid to leave. Nope.
He owes her dad money did you miss that part? He's a thief ! He fucked her life up and you think she should just house him? Pfftt, you're an idiot
My kids welfare comes first before anything like I already said. Owing someone money doesn't mean you got it by stealing, it usually means borrowed and not paid back. You are confused by what I'm saying.
Just in the defence of him being labled a thief. Yes he is. Borrowed money unpaid back is no difference to theiving ,stop kidding yourself . It's not his money . He's a scammer , a thief, call if what you want. It's dishonesty . 10k is a lot to accidentally not owe back. So yes, He's a thief .
So what?
How do you honestly sleep at night?
Oh god do not bring this man into your home and do not let any fool guilt you about that choice!!!!!! Boundaries and you keep yourself and your child in a safe secure home is your role - itās there ready for your other child.
No donāt take your ex back like the other commenter said. Why should you. Your son will come back when it gets bad enough. Let him be as hard as it is, just keep telling him that the door is always open and no matter what you are there for him. The poor boy is worried about his dad. His dad needs to get his shit together!
The son won't come back when it's bad enough. It can't get much worse and he's still there. He feels as though he needs to look after his Dad, like roles have reversed. There's a name for it but I can't remember, it's common in families where there's mental illness or addiction. That's why I suggested OP take them both because there's no way in hell I would let my 14 year old live like this. Not been to school for 2 years, no home, no life, going without necessities. I would do anything to bring him home including bringing my ex home with him. OP has made it clear her son will not leave without the Dad. Or at least set them up somewhere. You can have police remove him from the home when the time comes. This boys welfare is so much more important than any grievance with the ex. If she does nothing her son will live his life like his Dads.
Thank you ! I agree. My son is home now and now saying he might stay for good !! Fingers and toes xx
Good luck xx
Do not take him back in your house.
My uncle is like this, he has asked to stay for a few nightsā¦turns in to years, threatens to kill himselfā¦.until pretty much the locks are changed. This has happened twice. He made out everyone doesnāt understand but its him and his is a parasite.
You wont get rid of him, and you will suffer.
Can your other son talk to your son with out dads ear shot?
So you tried everything except the most obvious and getting court orders? No school for 2 years, living with a parent with agoraphobia and you still haven't gone to court or contacted Children's Services? You are just as neglectful as your ex for not doing all you could when you knew better than anyone what he's going through. Please look after your kids and make sure their basic needs are being met no matter where they live.
Now that he's 14 tho there's nothing she can do. The kid is too old for the system to give a fuck about so it's their fault too as well as both parents. It takes a village and the system has let him down
Two years ago he was 12...
And yes they still would have investigated this as there are things happening outside of the kids control. No food, no money, no school, homeless. This was a very high risk child and would have hit the radar. I wouldn't be surprised if the social workers reported this and that's why he's now at his Mums. Imagine if she did it 2 years ago when most normal parents would have.
How could the system let him down when they don't know about him?
She said she tried everything. I'm assuming that means court too
There's no court orders, she didn't try.
š It's beautiful how confident you are at being ignorant
Who are you talking to bitch ? There's several commenters on here . Even at 12 the system let hin down . Wake up !
What system let him down? He wasn't reported, nobody knew what was going on. The people who let him down were the ones that knew and did nothing.
You're ignorant because you are full force blaming the victim, bullying her, offer nothing constructive or helpful, and are just flat out incorrect. Her and her children are a victim of his mental health. He is the one at fault here, he should be working with mum for what's best for the child. Mum cannot do anything when dad is manipulating and controlling the child. And factually, child services and court orders will do nothing, which is exactly what they would have done 2 years ago as well. Mum reporting or getting court orders wouldn't have done shit. This is reality and you're living in a fantasy land, spewing ignorance to bully victims on the Internet. I've said it to you before and I'll say it again, please get some professional help
The victims are her children.. she has all her shit together while her kids were living with a mentally unstable parent. She would have had the upper hand in court and children's services would have acted in this case. She did neither. Honestly, who would leave their child in this situation and say they don't want to call Childrens services because he might get taken away? Isn't that what she wants? I will say again, no school for 2 years, no money, no showering, no nothing. Who would leave their child in that and leave it to the child to leave, keep in mind this child is only 14 and been like this for 2 years. So you would be happy for your teenager to stay with no high school education? He is being seriously neglected with his Dad, his mum needs to step in. Not say oh he's home now I hope he stays. How about keep him home and get him back on track and do what you need to make sure he doesn't go back.
Okay, so what happens when the child chooses to physically leave to be with dad? What can mum, facs, police, a court order do to psychologically and physically stop this child continually choosing to go to dad? How do you get this child to a psychologist and get them to talk and listen and change their mindset? How does a possible few neglect charges for dad, the most a year or two in jail (but very highly unlikely), change this kid choosing to be with dad? What happens when there's a court order for a 12 year old to be at mums but chooses to be at dad's? What happens when mum calls the police or courts or facs to say the child isn't coming home and dad has mental health issues and we have court orders? What happens when the police or facs go around for a welfare check and the kid wants to be there? Or they choose to remove child and return to mum, charge dad or whatever, then the child chooses to go back, a day later, week later, month, year later? Does mum call these services everytime it happens? What do these services actually do when the kid just keeps choosing to go back there? As unfortunate as this situation is, it would not be regarded as high on their agenda enough to make a difference to this kid choosing to be with dad. The only thing that would make a difference, the one and only thing, is dad recognising he is the problem and changing the narrative for his child.
Different commenter, what a stupid rant....
He was a 12 year old in an unsafe environment, you get him out of there, like when you make them go to the doctors when they donāt want to.
It would have been for his own good.
How does she sleep at night?
Or he could run away back to where she got him from. He might do that if she just forces him. Then what do you suggest, brains?
But she wouldnāt know because she didnāt even try.
You canāt do nothing because of what ifs.
More to this story I reckon.
New partner may be abusive hence why she didnāt call CPS plus why the kids would rather be homeless with mentally unstable dad than live with her.
Thereās something very wrong with this situation.
A non negligent mother wouldnāt have allowed this to go on for so long and kids with a healthy h9me life with mum, wouldnāt have picked dad.
My ex could say all the crap in the world about me but because of our bond and the way I treat my son is good, it would never stick.
Personal insults arenāt required.
It is truelly wonderful that you view the world this way, as they say, ignorance is bliss. You're blessed to have lived such a fortunate life and live in the box you're in. I honestly hope that continues for you š But whatever has happened to you to make you hate yourself and the world so much that you feel the need to unnecessarily bully random victims on the Internet, desperately needs to be addressed by you with a mental health professional. I wish you all the best
Those poor, poor children, having these two for parents.
No one to care for and protect them.
And then people wonder why adults commit crimes and are so messed up.
So sad.
Stop focusing on defending the mother, she is not the victim here, the kids are.
Victim blaming would be blaming the kids.
The mother had been a bystander of her kids abuse for two years.
She is complicit in all of this, she has done NOTHING, how can you defend that?
No different to the kids killed by mums boyfriend in the home.
A victim is a victim š¤·āāļø you don't just get to pick and choose who you want to be the victim to justify bullying other victims on the Internet. This woman and child are both victims of this dad, why would empathy extend to one and not the other? Now this poor woman is a victim of you, she can't catch a break. How is berating her possible past choices any help to her child? It isn't is it, we both know that, so the real question to you is why do it? You're clearly not saying it to help her child, so think hard as to why you're really on here spewing hate and ignorance. It is obvious to me why you do it which is why I take the opportunity to implore you to seek professional help for yourself, stop inflicting it on the world and creating more victims in your wake, please š take care x
My advice previously on this thread was, for now, to let the father live with her to get the child out of this emergency situation, because that is what this is.
Look at rose Baty, she protected her son, she allowed the dysfunctional father some time at a public event and he is now dead.
She refuses to do that because of the inconvenience to her life.
She even has a partner, so she has protection.
Her child is on fire and she is watching.
No court, no cps, NOTHING for two years.
She was quick to say on here that ex didnāt pay back money, so what?
Your kids freaking on fire here, no education, mental abuse, exposed to god knows what, his whole future is on the line and thatās her level of pettiness.
What the hell is wrong with her?
Am I the only one that sees the seriousness of this?
I canāt comprehend your attitude (going on about my mental health, like how does that help the child)or the motherās, Iām out......
And it could all be resolved if dad stopped guilting and manipulating the child. Like you said, mum is able and willing to provide the child safety and stability and is trying to get him back to give that to him, hence why she is here for advice. She is not the one stopping that, the father is. Today, dad could ring mum and tell her to come pick the child up and tell the child he needs to go be with mum while he sorts his shit, then sort his shit and support mum in providing the child safety and stability. Done, sorted, the kid is cared for
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So whatās so bad about docs removing him from his father and placing him with you?