Step son hates us.
A little over 2 years ago my now 9 year old step son came to live with us full time after his mother unexpectedly died. Prior to that he came to us every second weekend and half of school holidays.
He used to spend a lot of time at his maternal grandmothers house as his mum worked night shift. We spent years in court fighting the family to even be able to see my step son and after 4 years of court time the final arrangement was in place for around a year before his mums death.
Basically, when he is with his grandmother he gets spoilt rotten (as kids should by their grandparents) the problem is they told him after his mum passed that he’s only have to live with us until her was 12 and then he could live with them full time. There are also a tonne of boundary issues they keep crossing. They treat him like a baby still - they brush his teeth for him, help him get dressed and his grandmother even wipes his bum for him.
We found all this out a month or so after he came to live with us. We sat down with the grandparents and had a frank conversation about their behaviour and we all decided that it would stop and things were ok until now.
There was an incident at school in which my step son physically assuaged another child for no other reason than he didn’t want the child around him. He was grounded but a week later he was due to go to his grandparents house for the weekend. We let him go and spoke to his grandmother about the situation. We told her he was grounded and was also not allowed his electronics. Fast forward to Monday when I pick him up from school… he has a whole heap of toys in his bag that they bought him. Ws also find out hs had a friend sleep over and he went to a play centre on the weekend. The child attitude when he returns to our house is always rotten. He treats his younger 2 siblings meanly and has told us numerous times when he gets into trouble that he does it because he thinks we’ll send him back to live with his grandmother. My husband feels like we’re fighting an uphill battle and wants to stop him seeing his grandparents all together.
I guess what I’m asking advice on is what would you do? Keep pushing through and hope it gets better as he gets older? Give in and let him go back to the grandparents house full time?
At the moment he thinks we are public enemy number one and I don’t want him growing up hating us but I also don’t want the younger 2 siblings growing constantly surrounded by their older brother treating them badly. I don’t know what to do! Please help!!!
12 Replies
Build on your relationship with him, it's only been a year since his mum died. Mine passed 5 years ago and I still struggle. I'm an adult. Start with just little things. If he's grounded don't include that in grandparent time. 5 days instead of 7, it's not much but to him it'll be a big thing.
Secondly, before you decide on no contact (which would mean another huge upheaval in his life), take them to mediation. Put in place a formal agreement and take a list of the things that must stop. The telling him he can live with them, assisting him with hygiene instead of doing it for him etc.
Third, try family counselling. A problem child is more often than not a problem family. Give him that chance to speak openly in an environment where an unbiased third party can look objectively at both sides.
It's a hard situation to be in for him and for you, I really feel for all of you and I hope you can get some resolution and this young lad can start to feel "at home" at home. When they're at their hardest is when they need the most love.
His mum has died. His grandparents are the most consistent thing in his life.
They are likely spoiling him because they lost their child.
Maybe some grief counseling would help. Some empathy and lots of love.
Ok. His mum died.
That is hugely traumatic for a child in itself but then his whole world turned upside down too. Not only was his mum gone but then he was also shipped off to live with people who had only recently been in his life on a regular basis. He was used to visiting you guys, he wasn't used to living with you.
It's really no wonder he's having some behavioural problems.
I actually think it probably would have been in his best interests to live with his grandparents after mum died because that's what he knew. Him coming to live with you guys full-time probably should have been a transition.
You haven't mentioned anything about any professional support so I'm going to assume that not something you've implemented yet - that is something I would be looking into asap. Psychologist, grief counselling, social worker at school would be a good start.
I also wonder if some professional mediation between you guys and the grandparents would be helpful.
Sorry I should’ve given more detail. It was a transition. For about 6 months he did stay with his grandparents from monday to Thursday’s as his school was close to their house. He only moved permanently with us when school finished that year. He has been seeing the school councillor at his new school since he started there last year And he sees a child psychologist once a fortnight outside of school. They have all said he is dealing with things as well as can be expected. He has had glowing reviews from both of his teachers and has a great group of friends at his new school.
You and your husband are both lacking empathy towards him and for that reason I think he should live with his grandparents. They are looking after his emotional needs where you and your husband aren't. Who on earth would think it's a good idea to stop him seeing his grandparents, the next best thing to his Mum, in this situation? Proof that you both don't care. Discipline at your house does not follow the child to the next house no matter what the circumstances are. You had no right to tell them that, they aren't your babysitters. I'm glad he had a good weekend sounds like he needed it.
Wow ok, you just read a sentance and ran with it didn’t you?
I'm afraid I have to disagree with your discipline comment completely. I think divorced parents (in this situation, parent / grandparent) should absolutely be on the same page with rules and discipline, especially given the child's young age. Otherwise it's confusing for the children, and as they get older, they start playing the parents off against each other (for example) when Mum says "bedtime is at 9pm" the kid starts saying "Dad lets me stay up late, I hate you, I want to live with Dad".
Believe me, I did this as a teen, and I was a master of the game. Everytime Mum punished me, I went to Dad's house 🤷♀️
My partner and his ex-wife loathe each other, but we will enforce her discipline if she asks, because their son will also play them off against each other.
Rules are way more relaxed at our place, but we only have him for short visitation. His Mum knows we're more relaxed, so she will email and say this is the problem, this is his punishment, please go along with it - and we do, because being a single mum is hard enough with no back-up. We'll also talk to him about problems she's having with him like disrespecting her or not doing his chores etc.
I also agree that this child should probably live with his grandparents, but OP has commented that they don't want it because they can't cope with him full time. Which is completely fair enough, they're elderly. It just really sucks for the child.
Have you considered giving custody to the grandparents and you having him weekends, or whatever suits?
I think he deserves a say, he’s been through so much, with his mum dying.
I just know if I died, my kids would be much more comfortable living with grandparents than dad and his new family.
We did initially but his grandparents didn’t want him living with them full time. Which is understandable they are much older and struggle to keep up with him which is why he came to live with us full time.
Now is the time to sort out proper custody and rules for them, because they can’t take you for custody so get it sorted now before they emotionally tear him from his dad and then take him when he’s a teen because then he’ll be easier because he’ll be left to do whatever he pleases. No mother would want their child raised that way.
Find out what rights you have with grandparents and exercise them. They’re doing that child no favours and surely they don’t have the right to do it.
So this may go against what others believe and I say this as my son lost his dad when he was 9 (now 13). It's not an easy time for anyone but having boundaries and rules and stability is what is needed. He is now living with dad and step mum full time so still needs the structure. Yes something horrible happened and counselling could be advantageous but some kids play on what has happened to get what they want to. I have seen this, my sons half brother would play on it all the time, and still does, so yes counselling would help address and provide copping mechansims but some kids do exploit circumstances for their own advantage. Yes he still needs a relationship with his grandparents but both houses need to be on the same page with rules (however grandparents aren't parents so they shouldn't be as strict however they should respect and partially uphold rules). I hope you have a good enough relationship with his grandparents to talk to them and explain the problems he is having and how to address it as a whole. I also don't think him living with them full time will necessary be helpful as it could strain their relationship, particularly coming up to puberty, and not knowing ages, health issues, financial circumstance he may not be able to be there long term, so the fun grandparents might be the best option for them.
I guess what I am trying to say is it's not easy dealing with a child who has lost a parent and the fact your are reaching out for help means you do care and want the best for him, so keep that up! Good work Dad and Step mum!