I have two daughters aged 8 and 11.
My 11 year old has started stealing, it started with a couple of small things from other kids and then more valuable things from school. She narrowly avoided being suspended from school, said all the right things, looked ashamed when speaking to the principal, only to steal something else from a friends house that very same day!
She is a good liar! She has a story for everything and makes you feel bad for bringing it up, gets upset, strongly insists she didn't do it.
Her sister often backs her up, trying to make sure she doesn't get in trouble.
I don't know what to do, i've tried rewarding good behavior, tried taking things away, making them do jobs, sitting down and chatting to them (together and alone). It doesn't matter what i do, nothing seems to help.
I'd love some advice 💗
5 Replies
I guess one thing I notice is that both kids lie to you to ‘not get in trouble’, and this is a big reason for kids lying. If you aren’t safe to tell the truth or admit something, then of course you lie.
That’s something as a parent I would work on with both kids - changing the whole relationship. Make sure you are a safe person to come to.
The stealing is fulfilling a need. You’ll be able to work that out with her, when you are working with her honestly. At the moment you’re not, she sees you as the authority she has to deceive.
I would also say that ‘trying to sit down and chat’ is something kids won’t buy until it’s consistent and you earn their trust that it won’t all disappear and they’re in trouble again.
I stole alot as a kid.
Small stuff. Like hair accessories, lip gloss, stationery.
Looking back on it.. my mother who had a great paying job and bought herself Chanel, Clinique, Estee Lauder, Clarins cosmetics.. shopped at Country Road, Witchery, David Jones... bought me very little and did very little with me.
She was not a kid friendly person. No parks, movies, kid or teen orientated stuff.
Never allowed friends over, never took me to their places, no parties or sleepovers.
So I stole so I could have stuff.
My daughter was like this! It was little things like stealing food, or cough lollies and lying out right that she didn’t have them, despite being able to feel the foil packets in her pillowcase 😂
We told her over and over again that the lying was the worst thing and there would come a day when we wouldn’t believe her. She was very smart, and so well behaved at school and for others and was generally a lovely kid apart from this
When she was Grade 6, and was a student leader, she took another girls scrunchie/hair tie. She swore black and blue that it was hers, they both had the same one and the other girl was careless and lost hers. This ensued a massive meltdown from many girls creating drama as only 12 year girls can.
The Principal rang me to try and get to the bottom of it, and I told him she was often caught stealing little things and could be a prolific liar so I asked him to please come down on her very hard, no matter how devastated it made her. So he did! He gave her detention and threatened to take her house captains badge, but he didnt cross the line of public humiliation of talking about stealing and lying at assembly. She was absolutely devastated that she’d let him down as she had a lot of respect for him, and now she’s nearly finished Grade 12 and to my knowledge has not stolen or lied since.
It might not work with your girl, but if there’s a teacher or coach that she respects, make sure they’re aware of the issue so if they see it they can talk to her about it and she will listen to them before you
If you have tried to change a negative behaviour and it has not worked the next step is to see a psychologist. If the school has one you could try that path first.
My son was like this when he was younger I got to the point where I honestly didn’t know what to do a friend of mine was a police officer and I was discussing it with her one day and she suggested i let her know next time he did it and she would attempt to to scare the crap out of him so I did she turned up in her police car after she finished work and took him down to the station took him through the jail cell interrogated him in the interview room I kid you not he’s never stolen a thing again he still talks about how scary jail is and how he never wants to go there i belive most police stations have a liaison officer that would be willing to help out good luck