I am a very open and honest person, to the point that growing up I was probably a bit of an over sharer, I say it how it is and prefer people that are the same. Honesty is very important to me.
My partner comes from a family that is very private, his mum was adopted and his dad has 8 siblings that they are completely estranged from, they have no friends and dont socislise at all, nor does my partner ever remember them having friends. They are lovely people but just keep to themselves and i guess they are socially awkward which has made our families coming together difficult as my family are friendly and inclusive and they keep their distance in a way.
I have always asked my partners family to things and have tried to include them in our life, it's now 9 years on and 3 children later but alot of the time it's been met with excuses.
The issue I am now having and I guess has always been in mine and my partners relationship is that he has always not really been honest in certain situations about things, he makes up the same kind of excuses as his parents thinking it's easier than telling the truth, it's not about anything big which to me seems pointless and has ended up feeling deceitful and dishonest, it has caused me to lose trust in him and at times he says blatant lies or says just enough but not the entire truth. I guess I feel like he is hiding things and damaging our relationship for no reason. I don't believe he is cheating on me but I can't believe he is where he is or what he is doing all the time or that certain situations have happened the way he says they have because he has become so dishonest and i can tell when he is doing it now so I obviously get furious straight away but we've been to counselling and before I figured out that this is a learned behaviour from his parents I took part of the blame for the situations as I obviously wasn't being approachable once I could tell he was not telling the truth but then I realised if he had of been honest since the beginning of our relationship I wouldn't have my back up and have these trust issues at all.
I don't know what to do anymore, I said that I can't continue in a relationship like this, he apologises and knows what he is doing is wrong and is damaging our relationship but can't seem to stop, if anything it's getting worse. I'm just so sad and can't believe I'm in a relationship like this. What do I do?
3 Replies
That is his default.
He really needs some 1:1 Therapy to understand that and learn ways to cope in a different way.
This isn’t something you can do for him.
You have recognised it for him however some people are so unaware of themselves that they don’t even notice these things.
But change will have to come from him.
You have to decide and if you can’t live with it then leave, he won’t be able to help you make that decision. I don’t think what his parents do is wrong but it seem he’s learnt to make excuses and lie to avoid confrontation - even to his own wife. I couldn’t live with that and you won’t change him and you’ll never trust him. He doesn’t want to change because it serves a purpose for him, he gets to do what he wants without anyone interfering.
Oh my goodness this sounds Exactly like me, & my now ex-husband, & our respective families. You’re all SO incompatible, it just will not work & he will never change cos it’s ingrained. I wish I knew, & had realised & had insider advice like this, Many yrs ago so I didn’t waste the 25yrs & suffer some much as I did. He is damaged foods & dysfunctional, the lies & lack of conscience is a Huge deal-breaker which I wish I hadn’t accepted & excused, he is & will gaslight you till you are confused & doubt yourself & lose your self-confidence etc … this whole situation & personality & character will destroy you. Honestly hun, Get Out Now!!