I have an intense fear of my children being sexually abused. I myself have never been sexually abused, but every single person I know either has or has a family member that has. My mum is also a social worker and deals with abused children day in, day out, so I probably am a bit more exposed to this than your everyday person. My husband and I have had many fights about this subject because he feels lm overreacting when I feel it's reasonable to not send them willy nilly off to people, even if it is people we do know and trust. The thing with sexual abuse is that 95% of the time it is someone you know and trust who is the perpetrator not some random stranger. I have allowed our girls to stay with a select few people before, but it's not often. Now my oldest is approaching the age of school camp, etc and I don't know how to deal with it. Does anyone have any advice?
Advice for dealing with (irrational?) fear of children being sexually abused
Advice for dealing with (irrational?) fear of children being sexually abused
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt
12 Replies
I too are hyper vigilante when it comes to this. I’m not sure if it is over reacting or not when you do look at statistics. I come from a very privileged position where I don’t know anyone personally who has been a victim, but it is still a constant factor in my decisions.
School camp for me is not too much of a worry as it is quite away away. But my kids have only stayed over night with my mum and sister.
Privileged position or not, there is probably people you know that have been abused, that just hasn’t told anyone. Many people never tell anyone.
Correct, so many that do not tell, so very many.
The line is that you have to live your life as well, we can’t all hide under rocks all day because of the things that can happen. And you don’t want kids/teens so desperate to be allowed out that they don’t tell you about any of the warning signs. So on the flip side, you can teach the children about body safety, listening to their body, how to get out of situations, what to do, who to go to, trusting themselves, and when they’re old enough, showing that you trust them as well. I don’t see school camp as a dangerous situation, it is well monitored by professionals with careers hanging on their child safety records.
You are not over reacting and I am the same as you on this. I don’t care what anyone else says. They are my kids and I am their protector and I will do what ever it takes to protect them from any predator. I will never risk it. You aren’t alone, so don’t change your thinking. More people should think like you.
When it comes to camps, I told my daughter that teachers are human too , there is good teachers and sometimes they get the odd bad teacher and that no teach is to enter any toilet with her and no teacher is to ever touch her.
A tap on the back or a hi five is an exception as I get that teachers do this and they aren’t doing anything wrong. My kids know their boundaries & when something isn’t right or makes them uncomfortable.
You can never be too careful. My husband also isn’t like I am, things don’t cross his mind like it does mine. So glad one of us is like it. I don’t let anything get past me with my kids ever. It’s their one life that can so easily be destroyed by an evil predator.
I think you need to find a healthy ballance so your children are as safe as possible but at the same time aren't being deprived of valuable life experiences that will help them become well rounded individuals.
Being cautious is fine and responsible parenting for the most part but being too overprotective can create different set of problems.
I've seen kids who were quite sheltered grow into extremely fearful and anxious teenagers/adults.
It tends to go the other way too. I wasn't allowed to do much as a kid, as soon as I became a teen all it took was the slightest bit of peer influence for me to become reckless, rebellious and secretive because I craved freedom as my world was so small up until that point.
Surprising I was allowed to go to my primary school camp, it would be one of my fondest childhood memories.
Trigger warning for anyone reading.
A high school friend of mine was never allowed to do sleepovers, playdates at other people's houses, camps etc because her parents were also very concerned about the safety of their baby girl. Understandable, who doesn't worry about their kids?!
When she was in 10th grade, the first time she'd ever really been allowed out she went to a party where she was raped.
She never told her parents despite us all pleading for her to but in her mind she could live with being raped but she couldn't live never being allowed to go out again, which is what definitely would have happend if she told them.
Because her parents were too protective, they inadvertently turned themselves into people their daughter wasn't safe to come to and in turn, some piece of shit got away with a heinous crime.
That's always stuck with me, so as a mum of two daughters I try my best to teach them self protective behaviours at the same time as letting them live life.
(Bracehearts has some really good resources that you may find helpful).
It sounds like anxiety is the main issue, as others have said you obviously want to protect your children but not to the point it stops them from living their life. Perhaps you would benefit from counselling to help deal with the anxiety, they can help you with strategies to lessen it around this issue.
As a survivor of childhood sexual assault I know these feelings all too well. I was selective with who my children stayed with and I do not have any regrets. I would however have huge regrets if something happened to one of them. They are all teenagers now and I am still selective. I think educating my children was a huge part of it but not in the freak them out kind of way. Just information on paying attention to how they feel and what to do if they feel unsafe. Body safety and to always tell me especially if someone tells them not to tell me etc. School camps it's always stick together and do not go to the toilets alone and so on. Then there's knowing you've done your best and working on the anxiety so that it does not overtake and ruin too many opportunities for the kids to have fun. It's hard to balance it out but do not listen to the criticisms that you are too protective. Those people have the benefit of not knowing the way it changes you.
I feel your pain, my husband is a detective and has seen a really dark side of the world. I also was sexually assaulted when I was 15. Luckily my husband and I are usually on the same page. However I feel my parents being so strict and restrictive is what led me to be in harms way, I lied to my parents about where I was and who I was with and that what ultimately led to being attacked.
I think the best defense against abusers is educating your daughters and building a really strong and open relationship. Its that fine balance, you don't want to put your fear on your kids or suffercate them so much that they push you away and do what I did and you don't want to be oblivious to danger either. Just make sure you so lots of compromising, if you don't feel comfortable with your kids going to certain homes offer alternative arrangements.
Make sure your girls have a safe person to go to if they get into trouble and don't want to call you, give them self defense tools and lots of information, build up their self esteem, make sure they have a rock solid relationship with their dad.
All the best ❤
I dont think your fears are irrational, my daughter was sexually assaulted at school by another child, the place I thought she'd be the safest! Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try to protect them and kept them safe, some things are out of our control. All you can do is teach them consent and what isnt appropriate. My daughter told someone straight away, thankfully.
Contact Bravehearts, this organisation deals with preventing abuse. They will have skills that you can equip your children with