Confused teen (gender and sexuality)

This is a long one, grab a cuppa....

Let me preface this by saying we are 100% supportive of our daughter (15) and have an amazingly close relationship that we treasure beyond belief. She knows we love her endlessly without judgement and despite being a typical moody teen at times, she remains open and approachable. We are very proud of who she is and how far she had come despite the challenges she has faced. I was dreading this age and how hard it would all be, but I'm loving the new relationship we have as she matures!!

A few years ago she tearfully told me that she thought she was bisexual. She was worried she would be rejected after seeing stories from other people and I told her that it meant no more to me than if she suddenly decided she no longer liked carrots, but instead likes broccoli. She laughed and we hugged and we've been open about it all since when the topic has come up. Love is love and as long as she is happy and safe in her relationships we don't care who that may be with. She has always struggled socially and found it hard to find where she fits. She has never had a boyfriend or girlfriend and until a couple years ago, never really had her own best friend either. She just floated among kids at school, was chatty and social, but no strong bonds. She is the same with friends out of school. She can talk to anyone (young kids, kids her age, adults) and find common ground, but she lacks social cues, constantly feels awkward and anxious, rehearses conversations in her head, avoids large groups etc. She is ASD so all that is expected.

A few weeks ago she came and asked me if I could make an appointment for her to speak to someone about how she is feeling at the moment as she was confused, anxious and overwhelmed. It was end of term and she had a few assignments to catch up on and after an amazing term, she didn't want to go backwards so I gave her the day off to catch up and helped her get on top of her school work and a bit of a mummy/daughter day and she said she felt 100 times better. We made an appointment with a youth counsellor who she saw a couple weeks later and will go back and see fortnightly. We talked about her worries and she said it helped a lot, but I told her it's always good to talk to others for a different perspective and for her to have the ability to talk about everything in confidence with someone not emotionally involved.

The other night she came and told me she thinks she would like to be a boy. I asked her what that meant to her and if she felt like she was in the wrong body with the wrong parts, if she just felt more like a tom boy than a girly girl, or if she wasn't sure what she was or where she fit. She said that she's not sure, but something inside doesn't feel right. She thanked me for listening and trying to understand and I told her to talk to her counsellor the next time she saw them, but that she could come to us at any time. She hasn't asked to change her pronouns.

My husband and I are both on the same page as far as supporting her in whatever way she needs, but this is all so new and unexpected so we want to be careful we say and do the right things. Her dad (my ex) isn't as supportive and understanding (not to be mean, he's just emotionally stunted) and even though he knows some of what she is going through, is closed off and unwilling to talk about it with her openly as it makes him uncomfortable. She is aware of his lacking emotional abilities but I can see it hurts her as she feels like he doesn't accept who she is or love her as unconditionally as we do. He does, he just can't talk about "difficult" topics like that, he can't even talk to her about periods. He's always had these issues, he's not a bad person, he just never learnt deal with anything deeper than surface level stuff. He does love her and we co parent well and often joke about his emotional shortcomings and how they impact the kids, but he won't/can't change.

Without sounding unsupportive (and I'd never say this to her), I also wonder if she is drawn to the LGBTQIA+ community as they are so warm and welcoming and accepting of people regardless of who they are and who they identify as. They are such an amazing community and so much fun to be around I totally understand the desire to be a part of that!! I wish more people were as accepting!

She's always called herself a weirdo and embraced it as what makes her weird makes her unique which is a fantastic head space to have, but other than the LGBTQIA+ community of people, that is rarely embraced and is usually persecuted. She has never had any romantic feelings or experiences with anyone before so I wonder how can she know who she wants to be with. She is given a hard time in school because she has told some kids she is bi so of course there are those who see fit to pick on her for it, but she owns it and is proud of who she is and says (although I'm sure it hurts) that she doesn't care what they think as she's never been accepted.

I'm just worried for her and her mental health in the long term. There is so much more heartache to come as she gets older and these issues get more and more complex. I'd hate for her to feel like she doesn't belong somewhere or that she doesn't have a tribe to call her own, regardless of who they are. Kids these days are exposed to way more than I ever was which is great when it fits and is accepted, but it also adds to their confusion as they go from dependent child to independent adult in the blink of an eye trying to figure out who they want to be and where they fit, instead of just being themselves without having to have a label.

I am afraid for her and want to make sure we are doing enough to help continue to build her resilience and love for herself in a warm, loving, supportive family....What more can we do? Is there anyone out there who has been through similar who has any words of advice, or places we can go for additional support? I know this stuff can go bad quickly and would hate to miss any warning signs as she is an expert at masking and one day I may miss it!

Thanks IM's xoxo