Hi all!
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and would love your opinion on my situation. It's a long one...
My ex and I separated about 3.5 years ago and have 1 daughter together who we share 50/50 custody. We have both moved on and each have our own SO.
My ex's new GF is only just 18 (he is 26), not that the age matters more the understanding and maturity level. She dove head first into being a step mum to the point of blurred lines. Overall, we have a mostly good relationship between everyone and I do respect that she has taken a very keen interest in our daughters life.
This is where the blurred lines come in. When my ex and I were together I was the "primary" organiser of life - doctors, dentists, schooling etc. When we split, he never took an interest in knowing really any of this until the new GF came along. The new GF took it upon herself to make our daughters doctor her doctor, chose where she went to her next dental appointment, asked to change my daughters school to her family school and more (these are just the significant 🚩 I believe) without my knowledge apart from changing schools.
Other things she took onto organise without discussion with myself was birthday party, school visits (parent/teacher meetings without my knowledge), swimming lessons during school holidays as other examples. I also found out that she put herself and my ex as her primary contacts on the swimming lesson forms - I'm not on there at all.
I feel she is crossing lines and as the relationship is good between us all at the moment, I've been scared to bring it up as I'm not sure how to without having myself crucified. Am I just being over controlling and over thinking? Or should it just be the Mum and Dad talking/organising these details - not step parents?
Please let me know if anyone has been in a similar situation or have any advise? Or should I just suck it up and keep the relationship between us all smooth?
8 Replies
This is so common for the new gf, you don’t hear about the new bf doing this funnily enough. She also must be very new being that young, so yes, overstepping very much. But, if he had 50/50 before her then he has the right to do doctors and dentists and swim lessons and all of that and ti choose one that suits them. I guess you could sit down and say look to stop this getting confusing this list of things are for the parents to discuss and arrange before doing. Put haircuts on there too.
she sounds bat shit crazy, you need to rein it in, good luck x
Go to mediation and get a parenting plan made up, get her to go too she might learn a few boundaries. My ex has had 3 girlfriends since we split and let them all take control of the kids which really messes with them, they now don't even go there. Get ground rules in place , she probably won't even be in their life long and he's letting her make some pretty big choices.
None of this sounds bad for your daughter. I think addressing things like parent teacher conferences is important... but the other things sound convenient for when your daughter is in your ex's care and she is an additional care provider.
I'd struggle hugely with this if I were in this situation.... so I'm not dismissing your reaction. But I'd struggle because I felt like my position as mother was being threatened. In reality, that's not the case and your daughter will have 2 awesome homes if this continues and the GF becomes a long term person in your daughters life.
This girl is barely old enough to be out of school herself and here she is including herself to the point of taking over in regards to huge parental decisions like education and healthcare?!
I don't think you're being unreasonable for not being thrilled by her over enthusiasm, she clearly lacks the maturity and insight to understand that she's overstepping the boundaries as a new girlfriend.
I would also worry that the novelty will wear off. She's young and this is all fun and games now but when the reality of it all sets in, is she going to want to stick it out or is she going to want to go out and live the carefree life that the majority of her peers do?
Asking that she's not involved in making long term or big parenting decisions is more than fair when there's a good chance she won't be a permanent fixture in your daughters life.
I would just invite her to coffee and say I really appreciate that my daughter is around someone that lives and cares for her but I’m feeling a little left out with some of the things you are organising.
I want to work as a team and I would appreciate a text if your organising something for the daughter and I’ll try do the same and message Dad when I organise something. Try and be civil first. She may not realise she is hurting your feelings.
I have been a step mum for 16 years to Hubby's now 20 year old son and I have never change his doctor or made dentist appointments without asking SS mum.
We have taken SS to the doctor when needed if he was with us but a conversation with SS's mum was always a given.
I would never think to even ask to change his school and have him start again, with new friends, teachers and school environment unless it was brought up between the 3/4 parents, but that is decision between mum and dad not step parents.
I think the 4 adults need to have a conversation about expectations of the Step Parents and they need to be told if they are over stepping with the child.
And You definitely NEED to be put as an emergency contact on any forms that they may sign
I would lose my mind. Why do people have to be ‘Step parents’. Your daughter had 2 parents. She should just be the fun friend. Not ok at all