My eldest daughter turns 18 in two months. She is selfish, entitled and disrespectful to me, my partner of 3 years, and her two biological siblings. She had an unlimited mobile phone which we pay for in exchange for minimal chores (sorting the washing into baskets as it comes out of the dryer and cleaning her bathroom). She has not been doing the chores, never says thank you for driving her to school/work/friends houses (nor has she shown any interest in getting her licence even though we have offered to take her driving). Constantly rolls her eyes at me in response to any conversation I try to have about her obligations as a member of the family. We are always waiting on her in the morning to the point where her siblings and I are late to school/work but she does not hurry in the slightest. I feel so done, I love her, but I don't like her or the way she treats us. Her 14 year old sister and 9 year old brother help out more and get less privileges in return. I am considering disconnecting her phone an leaving her at home when she isn't ready on time. She has a job (for the last 2 months) and could fund these things herself but she doesn't want to. I am at the end of my rope. What would you do?
9 Replies
It’s time to help her into the next phase of Growing up. Before you whinge and moan and break your relationship, stretch her more, and support her. What is her career goals? Life goals? She’ll need a licence? It’s expensive to rent, she’ll need to know how to do washing and cook meals. Work out the buses or trains, my 10 year old will have to walk them self to the train if they’re not ready to leave. My primary school kid will soon be able to walk them self to school if they’re not ready. I would love for them to be able to, it’s not a punishment, it’s being independent. If she’s not driving she has to learn how to use public transport, maybe she’d choose an escooter or a moped, she needs a nudge forwards.
You're enabling her. It's time for some tough love and natural consequences
Start making her pay for her own phone bill, have it transferred into her name. Nobody wants to pay their phone bill but if she wants the luxury of owning a phone, there's a financial obligation that comes with it. That's just how it is!
Stop ferrying her around everywhere. What incentive does she have to learn how to drive if you take her literally everywhere?
Sure, take her if she's ready and you're heading out anyway but if not make her use public transport or walk or pay for an uber.
100% leave without her if she's not ready, especially waiting makes you and the other kids late.
It probably feels mean to do this bit it's how you'll help her foster her independence and make her understand that she's responsible for herself.
Why are you waiting for her in the mornings? My parents would have driven off by now.
It’s time for a reality check. Stop driving her places. Let her work things out for herself. Why would she get her licence when you’ve set yourself up as her personal chauffeur?
She’s clearly had a privileged life. It’s time for her to learn just how easy she has had it.
Teach her better. Seriously, this is a no brainer. She's a brat because you allow her to be. Stop fearing her and get tough!
She's not going to magically change and suddenly realise how great she has it and start appreciating it (that may come when she's 30!) because she's a teenager and they are notorious for being selfish and not being able to look outside their own box. I was told by a psychologist that they are basically toddlers but alot harder because teenagers of course, think they are all grown up.
She's going to need a little shaping in the form of tough love. She's going to need consequences for her actions. She didn't do her chores? Phone cut. She's not ready at X time? See you later. Talk her her about this stuff beforehand and let her know this will be the new rules and you have to FOLLOW THROUGH!
The younger kids are seeing this behaviour and watching you allow It and will most likely follow in her footsteps, so think of this as a lesson for them too.
Don't be afraid you will lose her, you won't. The relationship may change but it's your job as the mama to get her ready for the world and in the world she needs to learn how to co-exist with other people and also that she needs to pay her own way
She’s 18. You’re job is to help her be a successful adult. You are not doing that right now. I would 100% be leaving if she isn’t ready. She can call the school and explain. Doesn’t matter if she has an assessment she needs to be responsible and get ready. If she has a job she pays for her phone. There’s heaps of great prepaid plans like Aldi that she could afford.
Sit her down and advise that from Monday if she is not ready you will not longer be waiting as you have employer and school responsibilities for younger children and will no longer allow her to impact them, if she is not ready she will need to make her own way. She is also a member of a household and is expected to help, if she doesn't she will need to do her own washing, cooking etc as everyone helps out. Also you will not be paying for her phone as this is a privilege not an entitlement and as an adult and someone with a job it his her responsibility. Don't just stop everything without the conversation, this will create even more animosity.
My mother might have seen these behaviours in me at that age. From the outside it probably looked like I was being rude, lazy etc etc but on the inside I was really struggling. I had been sexually abused by someone I should have been able to trust, I was struggling at school even though my grades were ok, I was terrified about life after school and the pressure of growing up and being expected to have a life plan at such a young age.
Just want to give you another perspective. I see a lot of people saying to cut her off to teach her a lesson blah blah blah but what if she just needs a hug or for someone to ask her if she's struggling with something? All behaviour is communication and sometimes as parents we read things and get it so wrong. I've been that parent and it's a long road to recovery once your relationship is damaged.
Oh how I could have written this myself. But mine was even at the point she made lies up about our house hold saying there is violence n she isn't safe here. She ended up getting into share accommodation n as much as it breaks my heart that I didn't stop her leaving I knew I had to let her go (she also now hates me coz I let her go). I really don't understand how teenagers these days think they should b handed everything n the world is against them. I wish u the best of luck