Had a friend of mine tell me she would hate to be the second wife/mother to a man. It really hurt my feelings as I never saw that as something to feel weird about. One of the most attractive things to me was how great of a father he was to his child. I didn't have a father growing up, so to see him so devoted made me feel secure that he'd make a good father to our children too.
When I asked her "why" she said that He had all the special firsts with his first wife. I found that really hurtful and it ruined my day. I fully believe that every experience I've had with my husband has been equally if not more special to him.
Nonetheless, He was a teenage dad that was pressured into marriage the first go around (this was confirmed by his ex wife). How could that be more "special" than our experience simply because it happened first?
My friend noticed I was getting heated over her comments and then started backtracking saying things like "well every situation is different, maybe he does feel like it's as special".
Ugh, sorry for my vent, I am looking for validation as my feelings are hurt.
19 Replies
Your friend is trash.
He had first with his first partner, after being forced into it.
You are the one he chose, the forsts you have together will be extra special because he wants to be there.
Ignore this “friend”. They aren’t the sort of person you need in your life. Aome people say things like this because they don’ t actually like you and want to cause problems.
I agree! However, It's very out of character for her to say anything like this, which added to me feeling caught off-guard. I have always valued her opinion, and to know that, that's how she views me and my relationship, cut deep.
Thank you for validating my though, I truly appreciate it.
You have to realise that she can hold her own values or ideas about relationships, and that does not need to affect you at all. You don’t need anyone else to want what you have. As long as you’re happy, don’t take her opinion on as a judgement of yourself - it’s just simply a reflection of her and what she thinks and what she wants for herself so just keep in mind that she’s speaking for herself, it’s not about you.
Opinions are like arseholes - we all have them.
Look at all the second events in your life - were they as special? I promise you the birth of my second child was absolutely just as special and exciting.
The purchase of a second home just as exciting.
Never take on judgement from people who haven’t lived the same experience. Their qualifications are redundant.
I find her opinion really immature! If you eat your favourite dinner one week it's not any less yummy the next week. Just ignore it.
It is so immature isn't it!
A relationship is about love, it's not about laying some kind of claim to a person's first experiences.
She has an opinion. It doesn't reflect on you or your choices. Some people just have no filter or are jealous.
If I let the constant comments of the same judgement level (& huge smug cattiness) about waiting to have kids until I'd travelled & built a career instead of at 21, I'd be unable to function.
You do you. Shut them down by saying you're happy with your life & hope your friend finds hers.
I think you'll find your friends comments come from a place of insecurity.
A secure person wouldn't have this mindset, nor would they actully say these sort of things to a friend because it's a hurtful thing to say, period.
Her intention was to bring you down, maybe not deliberately but subconsciously at least which as I already mentioned probably comes down to insecurity.
I think you'll find eventually this woman is having marital issues and is covering up her insecurities.
I'm a second wife, and I think it's better, because we're older, we know what we want, we didn't spend time messing around playing games, there's no drama, and completely open communication.
I wasn't married previously, but had long term failed relationships.
We both went into this with eyes wide open. We both know what went wrong previously, we know what we need to work on in ourselves, we know what we won't accept in a partner, and we know we need to communicate needs and problems, and tackle them together.
Marriages fail for many reasons, and as long as the lessons are learned and not repeated, then the next one can be much better.
As a friend of mine (also a second wife) once said: "she may have had him first, but I have him better".
So many people marry young, or marry fast, and they don't know how to cope with the bad times, and that's when it all falls apart.
Hi, Op here, thank you for this! I really appreciate you taking the time to validate me, and your words of encouragement. I completely hear you.
You don't need validation. Your feelings are hurt full stop.
I get it. I'd hate to be a second but that's because I am a first, I'm with my high school sweetheart, and all our "firsts" have been together. That's not to say there's anything wrong with being a second wife, but that it's outside my scope of experience and TBH outside my scope of wants.
Maybe this is what she was trying to say?
Not that it's got anything to do with you, but relaying how she feels for her life.
I thought the same. If I'd only ever been in love once, from a really young age, I could potentially view it that way. In reality, the firsts never stop. You just get new firsts with someone new
She’s just showing how insecure she is. The chances of meeting someone who hasn’t had at least some firsts with someone else is extremely low. She’s going to struggle building a relationship with anyone if she thinks that way.
But do you hold your experiences with your ex as special?! Or your current? It’s competitive and a lose lose attitude if you think ‘first’ means better or unbeatable. None of my memories with exes are special just because they’re ‘firsts’ that’s ridiculous.
I hope my "first" falls off the face of the planet 😂
My second/present/future partner was a massive upgrade so thinking being someones first wife etc is superior is definitely a flawed logic!
I honestly don’t think she meant it how she took it. From her point of view it’s how she feels. I think you took it more personal than she meant. I honestly would prefer to have kids first with my one and only husband. We aren’t in that situation but I prob would have felt similar if he had someone with kids before me. It’s a personal feeling and yes it doesn’t matter but some of us feel that way. It’s just life. It’s not personal on you. You said she’s not normally like that, so I think you took it more hurtful than she intended and she did back track so it shows she felt it prob came out wrong and she didn’t want to hurt your feelings. If we could all have first with the one we finally find happiness with then how amazing but we all have to kiss a few toads to find out Prince. We forget our firsts with anyone else and create new firsts, no biggie. She’s also allowed to state her opinions. You didn’t have to let it hurt you but it cuts deep because of how you feel. It’s nothing less special.
Your friend should not be your friend after that conversation.
How bloody hurtful and hateful of her to.say any of that to you.
My Husband is also a teen dad (didn't get married to her though) but his first experience as a dad doesn't mean his experiences with our children are any less special to him.
I would be feeing like crap about her comments too and I would probably be feeling less special about her friendship to be honest
We all have our own feelings in what we want from relationships. This is her opinion and wants and she is telling you