ASD husband?

What are the signs for an ASD partner?

Back story is, been together 12 years, oldest child has adhd (going for ASD assessment) and I was diagnosed with adhd after our child was. I understand the spectrum is very similar and can cross over, I don’t think I have ASD (?) but who knows!
The more I look at it the more I think my husband could be ASD level 1..

I’m putting this all here cause I don’t think I could talk to him about this, he is very sensitive and will take it as in he’s ‘not good enough’ he would never be open to seeking a diagnosis or seeking treatment.
I once asked if he thinks he could have adhd (cause I was reading so much about it at the time) and it was like an offensive ‘No!’

Some things that make me think he is are;

He will become frustrated with stuff on the bench, even if the house is moderately clean, will still feel over whelmed by the space.

Can be very affectionate but only on his terms and if I’m affectionate towards him he’s uncomfortable and will be ‘creeped out by it’

Doesn’t ask me about my day/life/even catch up with friends etc. if I start talking will will become frustrated with it (too much talking) but will happily talk about something he’s interested in, could call it self cantered but he’s not mean about it 😂

Likes music really loud but hates when the kids play too loudly or laugh, it’s like nails on a chalkboard for him

He can hear the tiniest of noises and become irritated with it, like driving and he can hear a tapping outside and unable to hold any other conversation, is fixated on what could be making that tiny noise.

Hates going to shops/movies. Hates going to new venues for dinner drinks, out of his comfort zone - will sit there and kind of sulk about it the whole time - like you can’t talk to him.
We recently went out to lunch at a new place and the venue was busy and all he could talk about and focus on was some guys very loud outfit, couldn’t talk about anything else!! So we sat in silence because he was so focused on people watching and seeing when this guy was going to be walking around again!

His friendship are mostly either him talking about work or showing his mates videos, he never asks about his friends- he had beers with one of his mates and I asked how his mate was and how his daughter was going In hospital, my husband says he didn’t ask?! Like she was rushed to hospital only a few days earlier and he didn’t ask?? This kind of thing happens a lot!

He is social and friendly but is labelled a grump by most of his friends, I think it’s because he doesn’t really say much out of his interests and doesn’t really ask his mates about their life.
Like we will go to the pub for a date night (his safe place) and we will hangout and try and talk but if the TAB is there he can’t focus and talk about anything else but the TAB and the names of the horses!

He remembers all our mates number plates!
He’s very sensitive but lacks empathy??
He’s always been the ‘quiet, mysterious’ vibe.

He’s also quick to anger and will put his walls up really fast and sort of ‘check out’ I’ve known him long enough that he needs to process what’s happening or what the issues are and I notice in the next day or two he will make efforts and changes but won’t have a conversation with me about our argument

He can be very blunt with his deliveries, like a lot of our arguements are about the way he asked me to do something and if he included some thought an empathy with it I wouldnt have been so attacked by it! Sort of thing 🤔

I have done therapy work on myself (he refused to come) but my therapist did mention that maybe he was neurotypical..

I duno, did anyone find out later in marriage their partner may have ASD and what signs did you see??

Thank you!!