I have a genuine question. Mainly out of pure curiosity and not from a place of judgement in the slightest.
I see a lot of women talking all the time about guilt with not being able to breastfeed or having to stop due to issues.
I had to stop when my little one was 3 months old simply because I dryed up and not keeping up with my hungry little monster haha, and I loved not having to breastfeed anymore!!! I loved having my body back to just me.
So when I hear people talking about guilt over having to stop it's just not something I understand so I guess I'm asking how other people have felt so I can understand and be able to come from a place of deeper understanding.
So if anyone could explain this that would be great. Once again I'm not coming from a place of judgement I'm just simply trying to walk a mile in someone else's shoe so to speak
14 Replies
To be honest I hardly felt guilt either, I mix fed and I think because breastfeeding is so goddamn hard on you that it’s a really difficult decision about when you’re supposed to persevere through and when it’s your time to call it done. It’s a hard decision to make but luckily for me once done I didn’t really look back.
The other part to me feels a bit like people feel they have to mention it to avoid negative judgement or those people who like to give stats and info that imply you just gave up.
Thank you for your honesty and opinion I appreciate it. All I know is that for me it was such a relief to be done I didn't look back.
I agree with the second part also but at the same time my thoughts are who cares what other people say it's your own personal journey and if you feel like you can't continue either emotionally or physically it's nobody else right to tell you otherwise.
Or make you feel bad for doing what you believe is best for you and your child
Totally agree
I think the Mum's that feel guilty were the ones that were set on breastfeeding until a certain age, it's best to have an open mind. There are still babies being neglected in Australia and a baby recently died from malnourishment here in WA so I wish all of the push and guilt tripping about breastfeeding was changed to just feed your baby.
I work in childcare, and have for over 20 years. Two mum’s stick out for me for their breastfeeding journeys. One mum was quite happy for us to top her daughter up with formula if she hadn’t brought enough EBM in and her daughter was still hungry. Her milk looked like milk! She and her partner both worked for a milk company, so they tested her EBM at around the baby’s first birthday, and it came back as being the same quality as skim milk. The baby was straight onto formula full time. The other mother was determined she was going to breastfeed way past the 12 month mark and refused to even consider formula, despite doctors and child health nurses telling her to put her daughter on formula because she wasn’t gaining weight. Her EBM did not look like milk, it separated and looked like it had gone off, the colour wasn’t right. The poor baby, we would feed her solids, trying to fill her up while not overloading her poor body.
Mum’s definitely need an open mind around breastfeeding, as well as labour and delivery. You can’t control everything. You have to do what is best for you, as an individual person, as well as your baby. Breast isn’t always best! You cannot tell who was breast or formula fed in a graduating class of 17/18 year olds! As long as they were fed, happy and healthy then and now, that’s all that matters!
This is fairly inaccurate information about EBM and I wish you'd spent some of your 20 years of childcare seeking some actual education about breastfeeding and expressed milk.
Breastmilk is made up of 2 parts - the watery, thirst-quenching "foremilk" (it means it comes out first) and the fatty, satiating "hindmilk" (comes out later the more you drain the breast). That's why you ensure baby finishes the whole breast before switching, so they get the bits that will fill them up and help them gain weight.
Foremilk can look like a slightly different colour, because it's waterier, if you have a bottle of it and it will separate with the fattier, heavier milk sinking to the bottom if you let it sit for a bit because that's what milk does. Milk fresh from a cow, that hasn't been treated, does the same, except the cream sits on top.
When you feed a baby EBM, you swirl the bottle (never shake) while heating to mix it back together.
As the baby gets older, the composition of breast milk changes because older babies have different needs, but still has those two basic qualities, the thirst-quenching bit and the rich fatty bit.
It sounds to me like you're describing freshly expressed milk vs day-old milk. Though medications and supplements and diets of breastfeeding parents can have an impact on colour and consistency too. This is also not to say that decisions made to stop or supplement with formula for either wasn't the right choice for them.
I never felt guilty for giving my boys formula. They were both fed, happy and growing. My eldest latched on perfectly every time while we were in hospital, but as soon as we got home he refused the breast. I expressed for a couple of weeks, offering him the breast at the start of each feed, then giving him EBM and topping him up with formula after that. I wasn’t able to express enough to satisfy him, so it wasn’t long before he was solely on formula. I only ever felt judged once, and that was a child health nurse who said I was feeding him too much. If my baby is screaming because he’s hungry, I’m gonna feed him! And if you looked at his charts, while he was on the 97th percentile, he’d been tracking along that path virtually since birth, for weight, height and head circumference. He had viral meningitis at 6 weeks, and nearly every single doctor and nurse that cared for him during this 5 days in hospital said it was a good thing he was chubby, even though they had trouble gaining IV access, because it meant he could afford to lose a little weight. He’s now 17, nearly 6 foot and stick thin, so clearly I didn’t over feed him too much as a baby!
My youngest was transferred to RBWH less than 24 hours after birth. Had to fill out multiple forms for the retrieval team, one being about whether I was planning to breastfeed/express milk for him, and could they top him up with formula if I didn’t leave enough. I expressed for about 7 weeks before having to stop because the stress of him being in hospital as well as my marriage falling apart meant I wasn’t producing enough. Everyday they were topping him up with formula as I wasn’t producing enough. He’s always struggled with his weight due to his health issues so he was seeing a dietitian for years (he was tube fed, so would have been needed even if he didn’t have weight issues). I was never judged for what he was fed, even when he fell off the bottom of the chart for awhile.
I chose not to breast feed, I never felt an ounce of guilt about it though I do remember the whole "breast is best" thing being pushed super hard during my prenatal care. One midwife told me she'd be super disappointed in me if I didn't even try breastfeeding - I was a scared 17 year old in my first trimester at the time. Breastfeeding wasn't even something I'd thought about yet!
So I think a lot of mums feel a lot of pressure from a medical standpoint. I can definitely understand how they'd have feelings of guilt if their breastfeeding journey didn't work out or come as easily as they'd hoped.
I also think motherhood in general is such a contentious topic and it shouldn't be. People are so quick to shame mums or share their unsolicited opinions.
I was buying a fortnight's worth of Heinz jarred baby food and the cashier actually said to me "Ew... I would never feed this stuff to my baby".
People have no qualms telling you if they think you're too young to have a baby or if they think you're too old.
They'll tell you you're lazy if you choose to stay home with your children but then they'll tell you to work less so you don't miss out on your kid's childhood.
They'll tell you to bresstfeed but then make you feel like a weirdo if you choose extended breastfeeding.
They'll tell you not to feed your kids junk but then tell you you're mean if you don't want to give them sugary treats.
They'll tell you it's selfish to put your children in daycare but then if you don't, they'll tell you your kids will have no social skills.
I could go on with this til the cows come home but I think I've made my point.
This sort of thing all culminates and creates this mum guilt that I feel like we have all felt to some degree.
Completely agree, this is a really great response. We all have things we feel like we will or won't do as parents. We're pushed in lots of ways and EVERYONE has an opinion on what's right. Add guilt and wanting to be a "perfect" parent (LOL) and there are things that are more important to us than they are to others.
Breastfeeding was important to me as a new mum because of a few reasons, including being brought up in a family where BF was the "norm" AND because formula feeding seemed expensive, and making sure I had clean bottles, water ready and enough formula at all times seemed like a task that my poor executive function would not cope with. Luckily breastfeeding came fairly easily to me and my baby, and we had good support at the start and it felt like the one thing I was getting "right" at the time.
I wanted to breast feed, but also went in mentally prepared that he might not be right for us. I think for me, I’d heard the breast is best mantra etc.
I had a about a day of guilt when I gave up. I’d sort help, only to feel patronised. It was damaging my mental health, and now I know what was going on was the early signs if oral motor issues for my son.
My son and I were both happier when I switched to bottle, and that is extremely important but I do wish I’d gotten proper support and info not treated like a child.
I stopped breast feeding for my own mental health. I hate me it, I wasn’t expecting hate it as I had never heard of anyone hating it. I felt to much guilt first time for hating feeding my own child, BUT once we stopped feeding and my mental health stated to improved and we were both thriving I didn’t care. My second child we mixed fed from the beginning and I stopped when I needed with no guilt.
My guilt first time was because I thought I was the only human alive that hated feeding, but what I now know is that you need a happy thriving mother to have happy thriving children.
I do believe it depends where the narrative is coming from.
The nurses in the hospital where I had my first son pushed breast feeding down my throat- despite him having a severe tongue tie (required surgery at 8 months). I was just made to feel “less than”. It was a rough trot, ended up with PPD and I know we didn’t bond like we were supposed to with all that crap swimming around my head.
I whole heartedly blamed my shitty breast feeding experience with my first child. So when I had my second, third and fourth, I formula fed off the bat with no guilt and was firm with the hospital stays.
It’s not just about breast feeding though- Mums are shitty to eachother 🤦♀️ a close family member made comments about her birth experience and had a little laugh at my expense about not having pain relief during birth 🙄 because I did 😂 we Mums are some of the most judgemental lot out there
My baby was never fully breastfed...ever. During pregnancy, I was 100% firm my son would be exclusively breastfed and I wanted to breastfeed for as long as possible. The labour and birth were traumatic and my baby was very sick at birth and taken to NICU where he was tube fed through the nose. I was completely unprepared and never imagined anything like this would ever happen. All the sudden, I was separated from my baby and introduced to bottles, formulas and breast pumps, sterilising equipment etc. We never really learned how to breastfeed and the nurses were on my back about him not eating enough and not putting on expected weight. I tried my best for about 3 weeks, all I did was pump and breastfeed, I was exhausted and had PND. I couldn't function, and became very unwell so we ended up changing to fully formula fed so I could recover. I felt a lot of shame that my body couldn't function normally and because my baby wasn't putting on weight I felt like I'd failed him. I do remember not wanting to go out in public because I didn't want anyone to see me bottle feeding...because breast is best. I guess after going through that and considering the health and wellbeing of mum and baby, I've changed to fed is best, but breastfeed would be preferred.
I thing age of mum also plays a part, i was 25 when i had my first, and the pressure from before the baby was born by health professionals was full on. when my son was born they kept their foot on me to breastfeed. By 6 weeks i was nuts, and he had lost 1 kg, thank god for a baby health nurse who gave me permission to stop feeding and take up formula. I was gutted and it took time to realise fed was best. He was happier and so was I. I felt lik i failed as a mum, guilty useless etc. I got k eat it but it was hard. Funny enough i fed my folloo2 kids for ages and loved it.