Hi sisterhood.
I desperately need some objective ideas and ways to navigate a narcissist. He is an ex of 4 years. Very toxic, controlling and manipulative.
Our children are early teens now.
I have open and honestly tried every type of way to deal with his ongoing patronising behaviour, gaslighting and nasty outbursts.
Including how I was also contributing. I was hot headed (finally had a voice, wasn't afraid to rear up).
It goes well for a while then hell act out again. This time though. I'm angry.
I said my piece, called him on his behaviour. That I wasn't accepting it any longer.
Long story short.
He verbally went at our teen son after school stating I had said things to his dad about how he feels about his dad.
I would never break my child's trust and make their lives harder.
I understand this person a little better after extensive therapy, time and a healthy loving relationship.
What I can't navigate, is this mess.
I'm af the point of cutting absolutely all contact unless it's an emergency.
I'm going to have an open conversation with my teen when he gets home. I will no longer be micromanaging their relationship, as in encouraging my son to go there. He is old enough to make his decision.
Now I'm waiting to see how far he has wound our daughter up. She comes home spitting fire for him some days. Once I calmly explain how she's been manipulated, she cries and can't understand why her dad lies.
She loves him deeply. I hate seeing my babies torn up over this idiot and his narcissistic behaviour.
Any advice, direction will be appreciated.
We have completed mediation, court orders for abstinence along with all the rest.
Feeling lost and exhausted, for my kids.
7 Replies
Mínimise contact. Only communicate through text or email and only about the stuff that matters. Yes, stop managing the kids relationship with there dad.
My sister and her ex only have contact through email. Works a treat. There are also family communication apps if he continues to abuse you.
Get some legal advice to make sure you know the kids rights. But at this age, the courts strongly take what the kids want into account.
Definitely keep all contact in text or email. Get legal advice. And look at getting counseling for the teenagers so they have someone to talk to outside of the situation. Contact their school guidance officer to see if they can check in with them regularly, or some schools have a chaplain the students can talk.
Some people use a Communication book and only other contact is direct with kids now they are teens, unless emergency. I do not have any court orders in place but had enough of his abuse. He started grooming my kids. He filled eldest daughters head with lies and then she abused me (abuse by proxy). Then he started grooming my son so I stopped encouraging them to go. My two youngest do not want to stay with him anymore and my youngest is scared of him because he punched a wall in front of her when she defended me. You can not work or reason with a bully! I am so much happier now I do not receive any of his abusive messages. If you do communicate with him try to stop letting him suck you in to the defensive position. He does this like any predator trying to make you vulnerable. Be factual, direct and the moment he starts going stupid ✋️ stop communicating. Firm boundaries with these parasites.
Only way to to deal with him and that’s cut all contact. Zilch nothing nada! leave it up to your kids or get them some therapy for them to understand how to deal with him. No reaction is the best possible way. You need to cut all contact.
Ugh another dark sign of a meth user. Guarenteed.
Grey rock method.
With a Narc you don't co-parent you parallel parent.
Cut all contact unless 100% necessary. Do not give him supply.
Join some Facebook Narcissistic recovery groups. Many people on there will have great advice and real world experiences that will be useful for you. I know how hard this is so I wish you the best of luck.
Cut contact Mumma, keep being open and honest with your children. Get them into counselling so they can truely understand his behaviours.
I am your children. My Dad was a narcissist and my Mum copped a lot. This continued until adulthood where we decided enough is enough and we cut contact with him. It has been the best 6 years ever. I have had a few letters from him trying to manipulate me but I see through them quickly. I have also moved now so he doesn’t have my address anymore.
I am also very successful with a degree, and a loving family. The upside to growing up with one narcissist parent and one amazing parent is my interpersonal skills are off the chat. I can read people very quickly and I have the best husband in the world because I was able to see toxic traits very early on and avoid them. All of my siblings are the same.
You don’t need to talk to him for the sake of the kids. Get court orders and follow them, and don’t engage.