It is so hard to have narcissistic traits and be a mother. I am constantly reminding myself that it’s not all about myself. I worked a super long, draining week at work, came home, and on my first day off my daughter had a high fever. I looked forward to relaxing and de-stressing but My days off have been all about tending to and caring for her with no sleep, and I’ve been finding it hard not to feel way more sorry for myself than I do my sick child. I keep having to remind myself how wrong it is to think this way.
When you grow up in a family dynamic where it is allllll about self-preservation it is hard to consider others as a natural response. My whole childhood was about protecting myself and being in “survival mode” so when a disruption to my life comes, I almost view them as though they are attacking me. It is strange because I love my daughter more than anything, yet it’s like I can’t stop but care more about myself sometimes.
I hate it. Please no shaming comments, I say this very vulnerably. Yes, I am in therapy and no, medication has NOT worked for me ever. I have tried a bunch of medication with no help.
10 Replies
I grew up with a narcissistic mother.
You have shown more concern for your daughter in a few paragraphs than my mother has ever shown me in my life.
You have enough self awareness to know that your child's needs take priority, so give yourself some credit!
I also think most mums have felt a pang of frustration and possibly even resentment whilst being the sole caretakers to sick children - I know I have. You can still provide your sick child with the love and care they need while also feeling irritated by the situation.
This probably feels counter productive to you but make sure you're finding some time for yourself to actually be selfish and indulge in whatever self care that fills your cup.
I am going to say I see more normal exhausted, burnt out mother than I see narcissism. Whoever has given you this diagnosis may need to go back to Uni and that is probably why the meds aren't working.
Not going to knock your health professional any further as I do not know the whole backstory but please get a second opinion. I had one professional try to suggest a teen girl who was just rebelling was a narc. No children of her own of course.
I grew up in Survival mode too but I am so determined to give my child better that I am actually too self-sacrificing. Be careful as you may be overcompensating for your childhood and you need a professional who is perceptive enough to see all of it <3
Stop labelling yourself. We all have some narcissistic traits to a degree. We have all felt secretly annoyed at a child for getting sick and ruining plans even if the plans were all about us. You're human!
Sorry, but I also feel disappointed, frustrated etc when I don’t get my needs met.
Yes, I put those feelings aside to care for my child. But doesn’t stop the underlying feelings though.
Being a parent is tough. Don’t beat yourself up.
You only see peoples outward actions, not what is going on under the surface, and I strongly suspect what we feel is way more common than you realise.
This isn’t anything to do with your upbringing. I think you are just so exhausted and it’s ok to feel this way. I feel like this at times. I just need that time out and breather, so I can give everything I have to my kids. Maybe call in sick and have a mental health day. Relax and take a day for your. You are an amazing mum, it shows in this post. You just need some down time.
First thing taught in family services is that the parents are the most important. If you are not okay, your children can't be okay. Putting yourself first (obviously within reason) is imperative to be the best parent you can be. Don't feel bad for needing time to yourself. And most importantly, none of what you have written makes you narcissistic or even have narcissistic traits, it makes you a normal human xxx
We don't know this mother's mental health history and she might very well have BPD or NPD or have significant traits.
Please don't dismiss this.
Her therapist may have suggested she not always think about herself and OP, it's great that you can see what's happening, self-awareness makes us all better people.
You can only get better if you recognise the problem, so well done.
I applaud every woman normalising this experience for her. I have seen so much trauma misdiagnosed.
I grew up with a mother that you definitely let you know how she felt. ‘Stop your crying I should be the one crying here’ etc.
I think as long as you know and you’re aware, then you’re on track for breaking the cycle. I’ll just warn you it only gets harder as they get older and the bickering starts. You have to be gentle, and you have to be loving and open. If you’re cold and all about yourself, you’ll lose them.
I don't say this with the intention of dismissing any diagnosis you might have, because we only have a snippet of context but your thoughts don't sound narcissistic to me. They sound like the thoughts of a mother who has to push HER needs to the backburner again in order to meet the needs of others. Edit: this is not to suggest that your sick child's needs should not be the priority, by the way!
That said, I questioned whether or not I might have NPD once or twice (I'm actually autistic and ADHD) because I've had these thoughts too. But I'm a people pleaser and someone who says yes when I should say no. Spreading myself so thin that when I finally think I'm going to get a break, and I don't, I snap and whine (mostly to myself) "WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE!"
I hope you don't end up getting judgemental comments because you don't deserve them. I hope you are kind to yourself in this time. And I really, REALLY hope you get a break soon *hugs*