OMG, my husband and I are so over our middle daughter (13). The other two are 15 and almost 11.
Her bedroom and "shared" (with her younger sister) bathroom are putrid. The younger sister can't even use the bathroom at all. There are used pads left everywhere. After having a shower will just sit on a towel even though she has her period. She rarely flushes the toilet.
I have had several talks with her about hygiene etc with periods. There is a bin next to the toilet.
We've taken things off her like a mobile phone, laptop, net flicks, etc. Not letting her go to social events.
Tonight, she wanted takeaway for dinner, we said no because she hasn't tidied her room or bathroom. She's now having a major tantrum. My husband has taken the other two to get takeaway. I'm sitting here typing this and enjoying a glass of wine.
All her clothes are just all over the floor. I've washed all the bed stuff but it's just on the floor.
Plates, cups, etc with mould growing in them in her room. We ask every day for her to bring her washing up and down. After a few days, we go and get them.
She is rude and disrespectful, but she just doesn't care. The backchat is unbelievable.
She has just started seeing a new Psychologist due to a past problem. I think we have finally found someone she can talk to. But she is horrible to all of us.
I'm trying to be supportive but getting abused for trying to help, just makes me not want to do it.
We've even looked at sending her to boarding school because of how she treats the rest of the family. Ask her to do a simple household chore and she turns into the devil.
15 Replies
What was the past problem? Because I know what this could be a sign of .... PTSD with kids who have experienced trauma is a real thing.
I also know kids with ADHD and autism can struggle with this as well. Would you believe it if I told you it's also a sign of OCD? Not all of them are clean freaks.
Whatever the reason, she obviously has little control over it. This is not something you can discipline out of her. Having her miss out on takeaway and social events is going to make it worse. She needs to firstly find the cause and then get the help she needs.
I would give her a room of her own, that makes more sense and fairer on the 11 year old.
Sorry I just read it wrong, she shares a bathroom with the younger sister, so it would make sense if she had her own (assuming you've let the 15 year old have her own?).
I feel really sad for her
Do you know about executive functioning skills and strategies to help or teach them or help to make them part of her routine. It’s very often associated in teens as being super messy, having poor hygiene, Totally unorganised. Sounds like she needs a lot more support. I assume if you teach the others and they’ve picked it up then it’s not that she hasn’t also been taught, but that she has more difficulty with doing it.
Love and patience and a good psychologist.
My son was the same with old food, but at 14 he's got better.
I think he's realised that it's easier to just do it, rather than be nagged at.
Be gentle with her and her on her side. Be open and keep trying. She is covering some serious trauma I believe. There is probably allot more than you know. I feel so sad for her and you as a parent trying to navigate this.
She sounds chronically overwhelmed!
Also, you say you're trying to be supportive. How? By removing literally all of her luxuries (including food), socially isolating her and considering boarding school?!
I could physically feel in my soul the contempt you have for your child in this post. If I can feel that kind of energy in a handful of sentences, imagine what your daughter feels.
It's hardly any wonder that she's rude and unreceptive to any help - she's probably in defence mode becauseshe feels like shes under attack!
Go in and clean that bathroom yourself. Buy her some dark towels and just make sure they're washed after each use.
Invest in some reusable period undies (bonds currently have them on sale), disposable period products can be really confronting, especially for a child who is dealing with trauma.
Stop letting her take food into her room so that she doesn't have to remember to bring plates/scraps out.
Help her declutter and minimise her belongings so she's not responsible for so much stuff.
And lastly - A past problem isn't really a "past problem" if she's still dealing with it in the present. Some compassion, understanding and accommodation wouldn't go astray!
Or maybe just maybe she is a Mother that is just over it and has tried everything hence the call for help and the girl is being a typical teenager that is being given all of the luxuries in the world and when her family are asking her to do her part she just refuses along with a world war 3 tantrum when she is told no.
To the poster - mum you are not alone and teenage is a whole new ball game especially with hormones.
Need to work through her issues and try and get to the bottom of why especially around they hygiene.
Stand strong mum you got this.
Don’t allow food in the room until she can be trusted to bring it down and clean up.
Set the consequence in line with the behaviour
Dr also potentially for a hormonal level check around that time of the month
Speak with her Physiologist around potential discussing the why she is responding in rage and hygiene issues the physiologist can also provide tips and queues to assist you dealing with her
Some 1:1 time with her maybe away for a day or 2 if you can find I connect and talk
And I’m sure your already praising her when she does the right thing
She doesn't seem concerned or exhausted at all, she seems disgusted and embarrassed by her own daughter. The way she talks about her and says she's "enjoying" a glass of wine while the kid is having a meltdown like she's enjoying that they "got the better of her", bit like a bully does. Then to finish it off with wanting to send her to boarding school so they don't have to deal with her anymore. Not because it will be good for her because it won't if she's living like that she will be bullied. This does not come across as exhausted parenting at all this is more - my kid is not fitting into the rest of the family and she needs to go. Also the "previous problem" which is obviously an ongoing trauma for the child and the messiness could very well be from that trauma, this Mum would know that if she tried to understand what was happening to her.
Wow you got that from the post. Interesting I got this has been going on for a long time and they have tried talking with her and putting things in place, reasoning with her
The wine is because she is at her wits end and are a meltdown with a teenager it’s time for space.
Where does it say she doesn’t fit in? It says they have tried everything but the whole family is walking on egg shells. Should the mother ignore her other 2 children where one is living in a hygienic nightmare and can’t live in her own room?
They are sending her to therapy to help her but this is a cry for help and been going on for quite sometime not just recently and the mother has given up
Look to the ask for help instead of judging a tired mother that is asking for help
Look past your trauma and see this is a family asking what can I do next to help my daughter
And as you are a perfect parent and have allot to say on judging the mother how about you now provide her some constructive advice.
It’s comment like this as to why people don’t ask for help because from a ask you found this mother didn’t have time or the child doesn’t fit in so is just happy to have the young adult have a meltdown
Remember this is a teenager not a small child and there should always be a consequence if there is a behaviour that is not quit right which she didn’t do what was asked of her so she lost a privilege
The mother has walked away to let her process and the mother to process and call for help
Different commenter: The child has trauma, the mother wants to ship her off, absolutely agree with the other commenter, she doesn't fit into their perfect family. The wine comment rubbed me up the wrong way too, just a mean/smugness, yuk. I hope the professional brings in the parents and shows them how to do better as they are only making the problem worse, with their conditional love.
The whole post made my skin crawl and I have a child with physical disabilities and toileting issues, so I get it.
Your daughter needs a lot of supervision to break these habits and probably a mental health assessment of some kind.
Yelling at her won’t fix it and she will never get on top of cleaning it once it gets to a full on level.
It’s exhausting
I understand your frustration and its valid, but trying to discipline her doesn't work, try something else. Work on your relationship and communication with her.
I was this teen, I had "stuff" I was dealing with aswell and it manifested in ways just like your daughter. Clean with her, talk to her, tell her you love her over and over again.
Sit her down and have a conversation with her about what she needs from you and come up with a plan together.
Please don't send her away ❤
I came here to say that I am grown woman in my 40s who struggled with everything your daughter is going through right now.
I was continually punished and felt stupid my whole entire life. Was threatened with boarding school also.
Turns out I have a cognitive impairment/ nerodivergence. I still struggle as an adult. There's a difference between teaching accepting understanding and punishment. I really do hope you change the way you punish and try to be more forgiving and understanding of her situation and potentially what is going on in her head. Because resentment is real.. for us neurodivergents who also have rejection sensitivy disorder this will stick with her a very long time.
This screams of ADHD to me. It's very loud and clear that she has undiagnosed (or possibly diagnosed but not understood) ND. She needs solutions, work arounds and tools. Not punishment and shame.