I have been thinking a lot lately about my children's school's end of year awards night. It's always a big night of awards and I always end up feeling like an inadequate parent after attending them each year. My children go to a private school so there are lots of super smart high achieving kids who do amazing well in all areas and there is a big focus on doing your best and being rewarded for being the best. My children are average achievers, not driven, really don't care too much about their grades, are happy enough, well behaved, love their school but never win awards as their peers are in a different league to them. They have no problem with this.
However, I often feel that I don't push them enough to achieve more academically to keep up. They also don't attend many after school activities either and it's not for me not offering - it's because they are not interested and are happily enough going for a swim in the pool or playing on the street! I used to be a really pushy mum and force them to do extra study, music practice etc but it only ended up in screaming matches and utter misery for the entire family. So I backed off completely. Yet I feel guilty, especially seeing how ahead their peers are compared to them. I don't know how these parents manage to get the respect/discipline/results from their children as and I am incapable of making it work with mine!
I am from a different country where there wasn't this much pressure to be excellent all the time. So I'm feeling a bit wobbly on the best approach for my children and their learning. The years are going by so fast and I don't want to get it wrong. I'd hate for them to leave school with nothing and blame me for not pushing them harder.
I would love to hear of other people's experiences of whether they are dealing with the same thing and how it was handled. Or if you had pushy parents and are so glad now as an adult that they did that for you? Or vice versa?
Please be kind. I'm just a mumma trying her best.
Thanks to anyone willing to respond!
25 Replies
Success in career and life has little to do with awards and top grades. I've lost count of the number of high achievers who lost their way, and average ones who've excelled once they've found their niche.
My son is gifted in certain academic areas but if pushed, gets upset, or thinks he's stupid if he doesn't win if trying to. My daughter is creative.
I ensure they are keeping pace and not falling behind, and have opportunities to enjoy life and we help them pursue any interests. My daughter it's dance, my son, coding. I had zero interest from my parents so floundered in school which affected my self confidence and self worth.
It's not a competition. They'll grow more from feeling loved and supported than from a certificate they don't care about.
I was a ridiculously intelligent kid who aced school all the way through to year 10 just by showing up to classes. I never opened a textbook 🤷‍♀️
Then I went to yr 11 & 12 to a private school on scholarship & failed because I hated it.
Private schools are not all they're cracked up to be, at all.
I kinda floated through my 20s, and then found my career path at 30. I'm now 40, in a fantastic job that I love & pays well (extra study through my 30's).
Honestly, if your kids are passing, happy and well-adjusted, leave them alone. I've never once been asked about my high school results.
Private schools are huge on academic results & going to University, it's like there's no other option. There are MANY other options.
I averaged all through school and did not have to study a thing. I lacked direction and did not know what I wanted to do. If someone pressured me or put me in an competitive position it would make me worse. Ended up leaving school to go to TAFE, high marks. Worked and started Diploma and then Uni from there as a mature aged student and successfully graduated.
Because of my own journey, I do not pressure my children. I encourage and hope they find the motivation to do well in the things they enjoy. My daughter is getting an academic excellence award because she decided she wanted to study. My son always passes and above but never tries. It's okay, they will find their way. I know my son is very bright but I have faith that he will explore and find something he loves one day and he will excel at it. Sometimes we just need to have a little faith ;)
It's a balance and depends on the child.
I was studious and my parents could trust I would do my school work.
However, my son, since going to high school, is on the lazy side.
Maybe not lazy, but distracted lol
He is smart but has been under achieving.
I also know he wants to go to uni.
So since he is in the higher grades, I've started getting involved.
We work out when his final exams/assignments are due (usually within 1-2 weeks) and I ensure they all get done and he studies for his exams.
With just this little extra assistance, his grades have gone up and I think he feels happier within himself.
I help him brainstorm ideas for assignments, help him map out his study plan for that week, so I don't feel I am so much pushing as teaching him how to study/be organised.
This doesn't come natural to all kids.
So if your kids are really underperforming in high school (I don't think this applies to primary school) or not handing in or handing in substandard work, I feel like sometimes some additional help is worthwhile.
Sometimes a firecracker up the bum is required!
Those school awards mean nothing, zero. If those kids out there awards. Future employers don’t care, universities in Australia don’t care.
Some kids are just more interested in winning awards than others.
The kid in my school who won all the awards, ran away at 15 and was considered a missing person for 5 years.
If your kids aren’t motivated and passionate about extra curricular activities, they won’t get much out of doing them.
Those awards, are meaningless once you leave the school gate. If your kids are happy, polite, content, you are doing great.
So you think the kids that work hard and get the awards are doing it to get the awards?
Hell no, speaking as one of those kids, I was just naturally hardworking and wanted to do well.
The most common/logical path is: Kids getting awards = kids getting good results = kids getting into uni = kids getting degrees = kids getting better job/higher pay prospects.
So, the link between awards and employer may not be direct, but it most certainly exists.
This path is not negated by one outlier from your school days.
No, the kids already have the grades, that’s the whole point the awards are redundant. The reward was either the hard work, the pride in their work/achievement, or the grade.
Most of the kids getting awards aren’t putting effort in- they’re gifted and it comes easily. That is not something to reward, and I’m saying exactly what you are - it’s the ones that learn how to slog over time for what they care about who can keep it up into a career that fulfils them.
I don't agree with this, what you are saying is a kid that is motivated by recognition will succeed , which might be true if they know what they're working for. Just the same as the kid - Me, who passed but didn't love school, found my space after school, studied a bit later and earning more than most of my peers. I think it's about wvery human having a different view on life, some driven by recognition, some happiness, some people just want to earn enough to live out side of work and all of it is okay. there is space for everyone. I think what is true is it's hard to watch your kids on a different path if you have been the school Gun as it's not what you know or expect
Yeah, you are probably right.
You’re talking about intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation leads to long-term sustainability and enjoyment.
I agree those school awards need to be scrapped. I was that dux of the year and my kids are too.
The only thing those awards signal is which kids are naturally smart and which kids are most likely to burn out and drop out. The real world does not work this way at all and it’s setting them up for a huge fall, especially if their parents actually believe it means they’re special and destined for greatness. And having you and your kids feeling the opposite is just as bad. Especially when it’s all backwards to the truth.
Showing your kids how to find their passion, how to persevere through difficulties, and how to put in the hard yards when they need to, how to handle failure and keep going or pivot and find new paths, then you can relax because you’ve set them up to be able to keep on marching at that steady pace through adolescence and adulthood into a life they’re happy in.
Ps if your child is performing below their average, or not putting their best in, that’s when you can definitely intervene to show them how to put in the extra work to seek help and work through it.
You are comparing yourself and I think this is standard for private school parents, to push their kids harder to achieve. After all they are paying big money to send them there. If you are happy and your kids are happy then that’s all that matters. I don’t push my kids. I am just happy that they attend school each day and are respectful kids. Once they are in year 10,11 and 12, I may push them a little bit more but right now. We are just happy the way we are. No comparisons, just us being happy with who we are and doing the best each day. To me, my kids mental health and life experiences, kindness and manners, top my list of things to push my kids with and are my priority with my kids.
Should you encourage children to try their very best? Absolutely!
Should we nurture their natural abilities?
100%.
Is it okay to give kids a bit of a nudge in the right direction if they need the motivation or guidance?
Yes, some children require that structure to stay on track.
However, really pushing children to exceed what is actually required of them can backfire big time. You said yourself that you've tried that approach and all it did was make your family miserable.
I have seen the "pushed" kids eventually snap because they're living their parent's dream, not their own. I've seen them buckle under the pressure and turn to drugs/alcohol/rebellious behaviour in order to cope and I've seen them have a complete existential crisis once school finished because out in the real world they ended up in the exact same position as the people who coasted through school as C grade students.
My kids are never going to be the school award winners and we are all perfectly okay with that. Their mental health is far more important to me than them excelling at school.
Most of the successful people I know weren't remarkable students in any case. My best friend has a degree in psychology, she was an average student at school. My brother works in construction and runs a very successful business as a side hustle, he didn't even complete 8th grade and he's also only 25!
I must be the only person here who saw the majority of the smart/high achieving kids at school go on to get degrees and have good careers/comfortable lifestyles.
I don't agree with awards being banned either, some kids work really hard and deserve that recognition, even if upsets the average kids who put in average effort.
With some of these attitudes, I can see why we are lagging behind the rest of the world.
The fact is, the better you do in year 12, the more uni choices you have.
Employers DO care about those.
I don't believe pushing them to the detriment of a healthy, balanced life, but I also don't disagree with having high expectations and promoting high aspirations in our kids.
You guys are almost talking "badly" about the kids who put in a large amount of effort and achieve remarkable results as a consequence.
I agree with you to a point.
I grew up with very few aspirations and very little drive to do well in school/life. A lot of that is due to my mother having an almost apathetic attitude towards mine and my sibling's education, we weren't sent to school for the enrichment, we weren't encouraged or even praised when we did well. We were sent to school purely so we'd be out of her hair for 6 hours of the day.
I also don't think school awards need to be scrapped but I do think it would be good if the circle of recognition was broadened somewhat, because in my children's schools at least there really only seems to be two types of achievements that are celebrated - high accedemic performance and high athletic performance. A lot of "average" students are working really hard every day just to make it to the expected standard. That kind of hard work is far too often overlooked! Same goes for the kids who are more creatively or socially inclined.
Having said that, there is usually a noticeble difference between high achieving students who have been encouraged and driven by their parents in a healthy, loving, realistic way and the students who have been pushed to the extremes by a parent who is living vicariously through their kid.
The people commenting here have probably seen it play out like the latter, I've seen it go that way as well!
I also think it's worth noting that the mental health statistics from year 12 students over the last few years has been a little alarming. Some of that has the pandemic/ home learning to blame but it also suggests that our young people are under a great deal of pressure to do well.
I haven't come across many of the latter, however, I attended a public high school in a low socioeconomic area.
I absolutely agree the average kid putting in a lot of effort, showing improvement should be celebrated with an award also.
I want to qualify that my kid is one of the average kids, who needs a push every now and then.
I also see the kids really putting in, going the extra mile.
Any child doing extra deserves some recognition at some point.
Awards should mean something.
I find kids at our school are awarded for art, community involvement, anything really, which is great.
Maybe you should talk to your school about it?
A lot of these comments feel like good old "tall poppy" syndrome from bitter lifelong under achievers.
The thing is, with a clever brain, it’s easy to go on and get a degree or get a job in pretty much any basic field - and that might look great from the outside. But from the inside what kind of happiness is that?
It’s not all bad. I know I’m advantaged in a lot of ways, but it quickly leads to boredom and seeking something bigger and feeling lost in the mainstream especially in your teenage years and precisely oppose the repetitive nature of most jobs. I guess others don’t really want to hear about/empathise with the challenges that go hand in hand with being gifted, and that’s fair enough, but they definitely exist.
Stop assuming all kids with high grades are gifted and it takes no effort.
The percentage of gifted kids is actually low.
Most of them will be getting those awards. We have also discussed that there are kids who are pushed to overachieve at everything, kids who know their goal and work hard towards it and there are also kids who work extremely hard and only ever achieve a B or C. The point is don’t compare and do not get down on your parenting or your children’s achievements, as long as you’re present and connected to their education, they’re ok and they’ll be ok.
Yes I agree with that.
Our school awards seem to largely go to kids whose parents work at the school or whom are on the P&C.
Know I’m not saying the majority of those children are or are not worthy or deserving - an observation only.
We have no academic awards. Academics are not pushed nor extended - teachers seem to teach to the middle.
We only citizenship based awards and age champions for the various sport carnivals.
*Now
I have a child who tries extremely hard, works his butt off every day. But no matter what he does he will always get a D grade. He is intellectually disabled and will never get an academic award despite his hard work.
I also have a child who is academically intelligent, who could coast through without trying but put so much pressure on himself to earn all A's that it destroyed his mental health and now he is barely able to function day to day.
Achieving some arbitrary standard set by a failing school system doesn't matter in the long run, good mental health and happiness are all that matters. Because without those you have nothing.
If your kids are happy, well behaved and enjoy learning, that is all that matters.
I have a little boy who's autistic and falls way behind what his peers do and if that little boy has taught me anything it's that we as parents need to learn to celebrate our kids achievements whether they be the best or far behind.
He never gets awards on awards night and he probably never will but that's ok because he tries hard. I don't push him to be the best but I do push him to do HIS best and we celebrate every achievement even if he is years behind what his class mates are.
Relax, don't get caught up in the awards and achievements just celebrate who your kids are. A kind loving heart will go much further in this world then an academic award will.