Confused/guilt ridden mum……
I have worked almost 20 years to get to where I am and now have an opportunity to move any further up the ladder, however it will require a lot of travel (it will be 12-24 months before it becomes reality and will require a big move).
I am a mum to a beautiful almost 4 year old, and I have been a sole parent since since my daughter was 6 months old after an awful break-up and she has been my sole focus whilst trying to excel at my job to provide a financial stable home for her.
I have since met an amazing man (9 months ago) who has my back 100% and is really stepping up to fill that role as her dad but also to help support me in achieving my dreams.
I suppose the question I’m asking is has any one successfully been able to have a healthy balance for their whole family with the mum being the one who is required to travel for work whilst the father/father figure is required to do shift work? My mum is in a position where she can travel to us and stay with us for a couple of months at a time to help support this.
I want to show my daughter that you can be a great mother and also be successful and follow your dreams, however I feel this could also be selfish, and never want to jeopardise her future or our relationship.
I feel there is an expectation that men move up the ladder whilst women are looked down upon for doing the same thing.
Please share any personal advice/or experiences to help this confused mum.
10 Replies
What do you mean by a lot of travel? Frequent travel between city/regional locations? Long stints away?
It is still being discussed but could be up to 4 nights (always home on weekends) at a time but only 1 maybe 2 times a month or shorter trips, 1-2 nights but more frequently, it would be dependant on where the work takes me and if I can knock several clients of on one trip. When I’m home I would have the flexibility to work from home.
That sounds fabulous! You have the support network - the backup of your mum, go for it!!!
I agree I wouldn’t leave my daughter alone with new man. 9 months is still new. And she’s young, it’s new, shes vulnerable. Have your mum there to start and make sure she explains ‘norms’ and what’s not ok in behaviour and what she can do about it, when mum’s not home.
Just got for it and how lucky are you to have mum. I would say though first and foremost, be very cautious of leaving your little girl with your partner. I would have my mum look after my daughter but never a new partner. you deserve your career and give it a go. You will have days off with your little girl and she will be at school a lot of the time. Give it a go else you’ll never know. Just make her a priority on your days off and who is looking after her.
I have a career and kids. I travel occasionally for my job too. My husband, a sole trader, has the flexibility to manage everything if I'm away. My mum is also a wonderful support. However, my kids HATE me going away. It has a really negative impact on them... so I limit my travel to essential only (which is not at all frequent). I could raise to greater career heights if I was open to regular travel, but I'm not.
If you really want to set a great example for your child, instill in her the lesson that you climb the ladder to achieve security, and then you balance how much further you climb by finding the right ratio of professional accomplishment and a personal life. I was raised by incredibly successful parents. They have 'stuff', but they don't have much outside of work and have lost marriages etc because of everything. On the flip side, my husband and I have never let our jobs be more important than each other or our kids. Because we invested as much energy into our personal lives as our professional ones, we are actually in better financial positions because we haven't gone through divorces etc.
I think it’s great that you have a support network and that you want to set a good example for your daughter. Take the job and get your mother to look after your daughter.
Your partner may be a sweet man who wouldn’t hurt a fly but you are only 9 months in and you can’t undo abuse to your daughter if it happened. You’d never forgive yourself if anything happened to her because you took a job.
She should be the main focus here and making sure she is safe is more important than her knowing she can have a job and a family.
This is so true and it’s awful to have to think this way but as a mum, this would be my main concern. I read on here from another mum who posted recently after working night shift and leaving her little
Girl with her partner
And what happened to her. Very sad and sickening. I think in this post, this is the most important thing to
Think of when deciding on this job.
I have a career, it is hard working and juggling kids but it gets easier as they get older and as you get settled in a job with good freedom/support.
Since it doesn’t start for a while I would start setting up the routine of your mum coming for occasional overnights, your mum doing bedtime while you have a date night out of the house and also doing school morning routine and drop off. All of those things are difficult changes in routine for a lot of kids.
And start teaching your daughter about private areas, safe touch, what adults can ask/ do and what they should never ask, do or touch and what to do when your body gives you the signs somethings not right. Daniel Morcombe Foundation provides a whole set of activities on this.
So I'm a single mum and been where you are.
I personally don't think you should take the job at this time.
I had a five year plan, I gained as many skills as I could in family friendly lower paying jobs and basically treaded water until my daughter was in grade 5.
Your daughter is starting school soon, there will be home readers, school events, important stuff that I was unwilling to miss out on.
If your mum lived 10 minutes down the road, my answer may be different, but expecting her to stay months at a time, I don't believe would be feasible long term.
Leaving your daughter with your new partner should absolutely not be an option at this time.
What made me stay on course was having that plan and knowing where I was headed, but also knowing I had to be patient.
I knew my time would come and it has.
I had the skills/education to be ready when my daughter was at a more independent age.
You may not necessarily need to wait as long as I did, but the problem with us single mums (and dads) is, we are their absolute world.
I don't think partnered parents fully understand that dynamic.
I don't think it's about female versus male because I know some single dads that have had to make the same sacrifices.
I also think all kids need is to see their parents work to instill a good work ethic, you don't have to be climbing the corporate ladder to do that.
I think a four year old needs mum around more than she needs to see you progressing your career.
Just my two cents worth, but whatever you decide, good luck and worrying about what others think shouldn't be a consideration.
The focus should be on your daughter, as I can see from your post it is.
Also, please don't put a man you have been with for a mere nine months in a parenting role to your child, please always protect her heart, you don't know enough to be sure he's long term.
Remember, they are only young once and although the days are long, trust me, the years are short.
Thank you to everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it and I am feeling confident that it can work with the right plans in place. Thank you so much as well for the advice regarding my partner, I did however want to add that I would never leave my daughter with my partner in a vulnerable position without lots of time, discussions etc. This opportunity will still be 12-24+ months away which allows a lot of time for us to work on trust etc, and my mum already makes regular visits so they have a very strong relationship. My daughter and I have lots of discussions here and at school about bodies and surprises vs secrets. Still lots to consider and think about, feeling better about the prospect of it all. Thank you again.