I have three teenage sons. 19, 16 and 13. The 16 year old can be lovely when he wants to. He’s a good cook, loves gardening and is artistic. However, he also is a very angry and demanding person, screaming and yelling and smashing things when he doesn’t get his own way. He and his mates also drink alcohol regularly and smoke. When he doesn’t have access to these things he flies into a rage and breaks things. If we run out of money, he’s incandescent with rage that I can’t drive him to a friends house in the next town, he’s punching holes in cupboards and growling like a bear.
My 19 year old son is a very reclusive gamer type. He absolutely HATES his brother with a passion. They’ve come to blows. I had the older boy in my room last night absolutely beside himself with rage over the middle boy, demanding I kick him out and threatening to kill us all in our beds because Mr.16 has ruined his life and stolen all the joy he has, with his peevish and angry behaviour.
Mr.13 is frequently frustrated with the demands made my the middle boy and feels he gets way more than his fair share of everything.
I don’t know what to do here!
My sons hate each other
My sons hate each other
Posted in:
Behaviour, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
25 Replies
Do you have a partner, are you still with his father?
Have you taken him to a psychologist to get to the bottom of the behaviour?
My husband and I have been divorced 10 years. And I have asked him many times to see a professional and he absolutely refuses to do so. Won’t even get into the car to go if I make an appointment.
Kids in my experience don't act out for no reason or in isolation.
Do you have a live in partner, how does he treat your son?
Does he see his dad? What kind of father is he? Is he a good influence?
How do you make him accountable for his behaviour? What are the consequences?
Does he have strong positive male role models in his life?
How is your relationship with him? Do you have one on one time?
Have you considered seeing a psychologist alone to discuss him?
Have you spoken to the school guidance counsellor?
I don’t have a partner at all. He doesn’t see his dad. I left him for domestic violence and the kids were seeing him for a while but stopped after police were called due to an incident involving firearms. When he breaks things, he has to remove them himself or fix them. I don’t buy him another if he breaks it. For example a few weeks ago he hurled the fan in his room across the room and broke it and he then had to put up with a hot bedroom. I spend 1:1 time with them all, and there’s no school counsellor, he refuses to attend and when he does attend, he’s rude, insolent and disruptive and gets suspended. All he wants to do is hang with mates.
Has he had any professional assistance at all since being exposed to dv and a violent father?
I hear you. It’s so hard to manage multiple children at the best of times during the teenage years. With love, your child is just begging to be heard, just listen don’t respond or react, literally just listen
Be straight up and say this isn’t working what do I need to do ? Ask him, ask the others. Get them involved. Have your boundaries and rules. But pick your battles and for a while just don’t let it all go. Every time someone arks up remove yourself. And deep breathes. Get your GO on board for yourself and a MHP to cover counselling. Work on you.
I think you need to kick him out. If your partner behaved like this what would you do? It would be DV. Your other kids shouldn't have to live with that and neither should you.
I don’t think it’s as simple as that. You can’t just kick kids out. Pretty sure it’s illegal.
Not at 16 it isn't because it happened to me and I wasn't this bad, I just had a messy bedroom and wouldn't pay board. He does have a father why not send him there if he's not being controlled where he is? Why put the other kids through trauma because he acts like a spoilt brat?
So you conveniently ignore the fact that he's been exposed to dv and a crazy father with a firearm and blame it all on him and kick him out?
Adults create these problems and wonder why things go wrong.
Not ignoring anything, the fact is you can't use your past as an excuse to make other people's lives a misery. The kid is 16, almost an adult not 5. I bet the Dad also grew up in a DV household to turn out like that, doesn't excuse it or make it OK at all.
I also think perhaps Mr 19 year old may have PTSD due to that history given he's withdrawn and gets very upset by 16s behaviour so why is it ok to have him living in fear? Maybe OP needs to focus more on her older son and get him assessed, confident up and independent so he doesn't have to live like that anymore. Maybe he can even take the 12 year old to live with him.
The mother needs to take action, she can't just kick him out and forget about him.
Whether the next outburst she calls the cops and explains the situation to them, they might link her up with services or she could even call DHS for assistance.
Seeking the assistance of a psychologist without him.
Find a mentor big brother program.
Let him quit school since he's disengaged and help him find a job, that usually matures kids.
This is her child's future.
With his chaotic upbring, he hasn't stood a chance.
I think every child is worth helping.
He's 16, she needs to really get on it now.
My child hasn’t had a chaotic upbringing.
Witnessing DV at a young age plus visits with a father who has been banned from contact due to a firearm offence?
You probably don't know the half of what went on when they had custody visits.
Surely you know what your ex is capable of?
A "chaotic" childhood is putting it nicely.
You should read up on child trauma, these events change their brain chemistry, change who they become as adults if they don't get the counselling they need.
Whilst you are defensive and in denial, your child will continue down this path.
I agree to kick him out. It doesn't mean to ignore him after it's done its just some respite for everyone to catch the breather they need. Send him to a youth hostel to live for a while where he will get 24 hour support for as long as he needs it. Until he's ready to come home. . I speak from experience . Those other two boys are going to be so damaged because of him and you're the one they'll blame for not protecting them. You can still raise Mr 16 from a distance, he can still have home visits, be involved in his inpatient care, as that's what it is. Once he's been properly assessed and treated , you can consider bringing him home..
But you aren't really recommending kick him out, you are recommending he be placed in appropriate housing for treatment. Sounds like a good idea and the other kids will get a breather.
Id be getting your other kids mental health support and seeking a psychologist to help you manage this minefield.
My son needed a psychologist for a while, but he didn’t actually attend the appointments, I did and I was able to follow the psychologists advice to create better outcomes.
She's left it too late to get him to engage with a professional, she should have done it years ago, when he was younger..
However, this is a really good option now.
Record him and post it publicly so he gets shamed. What else do you do? Doesn't sound like he can't control himself he does it when he doesn't get his own way. If he gets a gf and does this to her it's DV. He will end up in jail for DV eventually. Tell him to get a job to pay for himself or get the f out.
I think that's counter productive and encourages further pool decision making. Filming and putting it out there on the internet for strangers entertainment is just a form of abuse.
Are you sure is isn’t on other drugs.? those rages has he always been like it? I would be looking around in his room when he isn’t home to see if he on any other drugs. Have you got room
I’m garage or out the back for him? Room
For a caravan? I would be getting him to move out if he didn’t change his behaviour. Your poor other kids. Can you send him to his dads?
Woah the 19 year old threatened what?!
16year old sounds like he has problems that have gone undiagnosed/untreated/ lack of consequences for his actions (as you describe abusive behaviour but then say it’s ongoing and there’s repeat behaviour and predictable triggers). It’s difficult now he’s 16 but it’s never too late to draw firm boundaries and follow through, especially when you’re talking about treatment of yourself and your home.
Neither of your older boys respect you.
Your 16 year old smashes up your house and your 19 year old threatens to murder you in your bed!? What the actual fuck?
Somewhere along the line these young men have learned that you are the emotional punching bag of the house. Give it some time and you'll probably have a 3rd following suit.
I would advise getting some support in place for your youngest and call the police next time either one of your older boys kick off. That may be enough to get them to realise you aren't messing around anymore, it may also be the step you need to take to be getting some proper help.
The rages sound exactly like someone looking for their next drug hit and can't get it, it could be marijuana at a minimum but does sound like more, this one young adult is ruining your family, its time to take a hard line and demand respect and change or he gets nothing.
Wow! Firstly sounds like your boys are carrying a a lot.
You might not be able to get them to therapy but you younger some should be seeing someone. In addition to that i would take yourself to see a therapist so you learn how to have boundaries how to implement them and talk to a kids who have lives DV. My guess is you tried to shield these kids and they have dealt with adult issues as kids and are not processing it very well. When the kids are not raging speak to them alone. to explain what needs to be the bare minimum they have to do in the house. Make the home a dry site (no booze) and don't give the kids money. At 16&19 they can work. If my son threatens to kill me I would have to seek police help. I couldn't live like that. Good Luck and remember it's worth the work cause this is your chance to help break the cycle. Stop your boys being the instigators of next gen DV