I’m really stuck here..
This won’t be a short tell all but I will try my very best.
I have two children from a previous marriage, aged 12 and 10. Around 5 years ago I met the man of my dreams, after 3 years of dating he asked if I would move in with him and his parents. Now at the time I was working two jobs, studying at uni, working out daily but I had my shit together. The reason for the move was to be able to save money for a deposit for a house.
After many months debating my options and at the time really struggling financially, i decided to sell everything and make the move. At the time my MIL when I moved in was sadly diagnosed with cancer. I, as i always do, stepped up and did absolutely everything in my power to support the entire family. Cooking, cleaning, emotional support, attending appointments, etc. Which of course I don’t mind doing. During my stay I noticed my partners parents were not very interactive with the kids, only really communicating when giving orders and practically angry with them for not packing up the dishes, etc. Obviously it upset me a lot but I knew within two years I will be out. Fast forward 3 years, im still here, my partner was made redundant twice due to covid and out of work for 10 months, I had a baby (trigger) had cardiac failure and almost flat lined post birth. Nobody helped me one bit during the hardest time of my life. I also lost my father and not one person asked if they could help in anyway. Losing him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life and I’m still devastated that he is gone.I had a newborn baby and nobody cared to cook a meal, help clean or anything to support me. I was discharged from cardiology ward when my baby was 8 days old and had ro go back home and cook for 8 people. Every day! My MIL cancer went away, she trains at the gym for 2-3 hours daily but won’t lift a finger on her house. All they care about is their biological grandchild and don’t even care for my other two children or myself.
Unfortunately her cancer has come back and now they are treating overseas. In the month they have been gone I have been feeling like myself again, my children are comfortable, my load has reduced to half. We all need to move out (they are selling the property) and they want us to live together again. Obviously I don’t want to and my partner and I will move out to rent. I was crushing numbers last night and realised it will be so hard to do so with how expensive everything is at the moment.
Would you move together with the In laws and feel so uncomfortable, slaving away cooking and cleaning daily for 8 people (2 brother in laws here too) or move out but be in a bad financial position?
I don’t want to be selfish and put my family in a financially hard situation but I also want to support them mentally as well.
11 Replies
No way. I would actually leave the relationship this life sounds so shit. I live alone with my kids and pay my bills and would never ever go into your situation. You’re weighing up financial struggle (not even guaranteed) against everything you’re living and modeling daily, there is no comparison.
It is far worse than when I was living alone with my two children. I regret it every single day. I’ve learnt that the grass isn’t always greener..even though it was tough financially doing it on my own, I now compromised my freedom and integrity as a human. Thank you for your input
Get that independence back. You’ve done it before, you know how to do it. Show your kids what to do in these situations, how to create a happy life.
Agreed, get the hell out of there, your kids mental health is more important than anything.
You'll be able to get a job too, not being their maid anymore.
Is it even a question?! Of course your in laws want to continue living with you, they have a free in house maid service! They’re taking advantage of you. It’s time to stop this toxic set up.
Well I found out that they stopped the cleaning/ironing services when I arrived. It wasn’t even worth moving out. The money I have spent on food to feed everyone was the same amount as my rent before I moved in with them all
Nah. Leave mummy's boy there. He's obviously very fucking comfortable with the status quo or he'd have squashed it years ago.
My partner and I have lived with his parents twice. First, very young for 6 months while we saved a bond. Second, still very young for 6 months after we had our first baby.
There's no way a guy in his right mind thinks its ok to move a family into his parents home long term. All you can do is not go along with it anymore.
If its not an option look for a house with dual living.
We have recently set our house up for this thinking my FIL would end up on our door step one day.
Our is upstairs down stairs, his house was a long house with communal area in the middle, but easily lived separately
This is what they want to do. Honestly though they’ve made comments like “you mean grandchildren not grandchildren.” I also don’t like when they ignore me and my children but only acknowledge their granddaughter, take her and go into their bedroom. I think it’s rude to do that or comments like when I go to feed her “she doesn’t even want ro go to you.”
You are basically asking asking if you should continue to allow your older children to be treated like second class citizens, be uncomfortable and not welcome in their own home.
You are being treated like crap. Your older children are being treated like crap, they are witnessing you being treated like a slave.
Is that what you want them to think is normal? Of course you dont. Time to change the situation as you all deserve better. Better to struggle financially then for you all to be miserable on a daily basis.