My 8 year old, on a couple of occasions has been nasty at school. The mum of this kid always makes it known to me which makes me feel like the worst mum on earth. I have 4 kids and the others are all polite and kind and I have never come across this kind of issue with any of them and I obviously raise them all with the same ethics and parenting style. The things that have come about, to me don’t seem a huge deal. It’s been 2 maybe 3 times over a few years and I’m sure it isn’t one sided, but my boy is quite resilient and just won’t tell me when things happen so I’m none the wiser. Until I’m told he has said something nasty. I pride myself on being kind, thoughtful and inclusive so it’s actually has me in tears when this has happened. And I don’t really know how to cope if I’m honest? I discipline him, I take things away and he has suitable punishment when it happens but I’m still left feeling like I’m failing. You always hear when bullies are spoken about that it’s the parents fault. I wouldn’t called him a bully as it’s only happened a few times but to me it’s a massive deal and I’m left wondering what I’m doing wrong 😞 I don’t know what I’m asking I guess just looking to see if anyone’s in a silimar position etc
5 Replies
Do you speak to him about it? What does he say? Can he explain the incident? If in doubt ask the teacher.
Honestly I would appreciate someone telling me, and would say, thanks I will investigate. I wouldn’t go home and go off at my kid though. I’d ask questions and work it out.
You seem so down on yourself and on him just for the fact this parent has approached you. Until you get to the bottom of it, that is just what she has been told by her kid. You don’t know her, what kind of person and parent she is or the kid is. Don’t go getting down on yourself and your kids right away. And you know, even if your kid has done something - I don’t tell a parent to cause an argument. I tell them hoping they will help sort it out. If you’re active parenting, working out what exactly the issue is and making your own solution with your son (and teacher is needed) and it’s something that works for you, then you’re doing a good job.
When the other parent approaches you do you then go to school to get the full picture before disciplining your son? Do you ask the other parent if they’ve spoken to the school to get the full picture about the incident before they say something to you? School should be dealing with whatever is happening. If it was happening frequently and school was clearly not doing anything then I could understand the other parent approaching you. But, from what you’ve written, she believes every word that comes out of her child’s mouth and said child can do no wrong. Next time she approaches you, tell her to report the incident to the school and they can then contact you if they feel your input is needed.
Please go through your child's school when this happens. His Mum is only getting her child's story, it may not be true. Let the school know what has been happening so far and if they have any strategies to deal with it. They could have already dealt with them and have a different story to tell. You need more opinions/views than her biased view and it would be the same advice if it were your child telling you the same things.
My daughter's best friend's mum, who I'm also friends with, would come to me everytime our kids had a disagreement but my daughter was always the bully or the instigator and her daughter was an angel who never did wrong.
The first few times I took it extremely seriously, after that I humoured her because her complaints were honestly just ridiculous, eventually I got sick and tired of it and told her point blank "Time to take it up with the school then. Maybe the girls need to be in separate classes and take a break from each other".
She never came to me again and I never heard a peep from the school, so...
On the other hand, the same daughter I mentioned above was being severely bullied by a boy in her class (verbally and physically) but the school was absolutely useless about it. It took every ounce of my self control not to accost this kid's dad at the school gate and rip him a new one. Maybe the mum in your scenario is at that point?
Either way, crying and wallowing in self pity achieves nothing. It just makes you feel bad.
Be proactive. Request a meeting with your son's principal and class teacher, tell them that you've been approached a couple of times by this mum, ask them honestly if there has been any ongoing issues with any nasty behaviour on your son's part. If so, what tools and strategies do they have to help. If not, they're now aware this mum may be taking very minor matters into her own hands - which schools very much discourage.
Then if this mum comes to you again, tell her straight "I'm already working with the principal and teachers regarding this. You need to take any issues directy to them so this can be sorted out properly".
All kids say nasty things! Every single one of them. All kids will hurt another child’s feelings at some point because even adults do.
No child or adult is perfect at saying the correct things and handling situations perfectly.
Everyone is learning. It’s time to talk to your child’s teacher. Ask about how your son is doing socially, just to check in.
Next time the parent approaches you, tell her she needs to report it to your child’s teacher if she has concerns and walk away.
I’d love to hear what she said your child said.