Hi
So my Kids dont want to go to their dads. They’re 7yo and 9yo. He lies to them doesn’t follow through with things. Mentally messes with their heads. My son 9yo is refusing to see him. My 7yo goes but only so he doesn’t get ‘mad’ or ‘sad’. He had her the other night and I got a message at 8.15pm (their bedtime is 8pm) that she wanted to go home to me. So I met him outside to get her. She was still in clothes from the afternoon. So no shower was had. She was sad and crying. When he left she started sobbing saying he was mad and sent a message to me (which he didn’t end up sending) saying come and get your child. This broke her heart. She cried herself to sleep.
He’s also seen her in his car and not acknowledged her as he was clearly trying to hide what/where he had been (camping with the new family instead of waiting to take them as well) so many times he’s let them down and lied. They’re not silly.
So my question is. Can they not go to his on his days? He has them maybe 3 nights a fortnight. I’m not sure what my/their rights are??
Thanks for reading
Kids not wanting to go to their dads. What’s their rights?
Kids not wanting to go to their dads. What’s their rights?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Self Care, Kids
18 Replies
Just hold them off and explain it to him next time and see how it goes.
I’m the poster. He doesn’t care. He thinks im making them not want to go. He’s super narcissistic
My first thought was wondering what you had put in their head to make them not want to go. You do come across as a bit vindictive and parental alienation is a real thing that happens quite often
I’m the poster. He doesn’t care. He thinks im making them not want to go. He’s super narcissistic
8 is very early through summer, it's only just getting dark here and starting to get ready to wind down. If it's the weekend then it's a free for all, very rarely is anyone showered and ready for bed at this time of year in our house so I'm not quite getting the outrage over her not showered and ready for bed at 8.15.
I kind of get the feeling that you're rather negative about your ex in front of your kids, you sound resentful of the way you say "new family" and that he's spending time with other kids besides his own. Your negativity can open the floodgates to all kinds of problems and one of them is the kids not being happy with the other parent and not wanting to go. If you would like your kids to have a healthy and happy relationship with their father for their wellbeing then you need to look within yourself and have a real honest look at what your involvement in this could be.
The fact that you're so ready to cut contact says that you're enjoying their rebellion and want to use it to hurt your ex but you're not seeing that this could really affect your kids in the future. I read posts here all the time and the mum's with the problem of kids not wanting to see their Dad are usually asking how they can encourage them, how can they make them go etc. So it does stand out when you want to cut him off so easily.
I agree. Kids pick up on negativity
It doesn't sound as though he's being abusive. Maybe arrange family counselling so they can express themselves to him in a safe place? Or if he thinks that's not necessary, just link them in with some so that they have support for living between 2 homes with different rules and all the other emotions associated with being a child in a separated family.
You need actual legal advice, from an actual lawyer.
I wouldn’t stop sending them, but I’d be negotiating a drop in time.
At that age, unless he's abusing them, you have to encourage it.
I still do and mine is a teenager.
They are looking at you for guidance, if you change your attitude, guaranteed they will.
And when they do, dad will be less defensive and his attitude will change also.
It will have a domino effect that starts with you.
Give them the gift of growing up having a relationship with their dad.
Cut him some slack too, he isn't going to be as organised as you.
It will take him a while to find his groove.
And he's allowed to move on, don't be resentful.
He sounds like he has them consistently. How is his care of them while they’re there? (I’m not talking showers or 15 minutes past your bedtime etc)
Maybe rather than stop them from going suggest that they are starting to experience some separation anxiety and how about they at least come home to sleep? That way you are not blaming him and it gives him a way out without harming his ego. This also helps the kids to feel a little safer knowing its only short visits with him. Worth a try..
Otherwise you need to seek legal advice to protect yourself and your kids. Especially if there are court orders in place as I have seen this end in disaster. The mother ended up on a good behaviour bond for not forcing her teen son to go to his dads. It was disgusting.
I would say the kids need to stay together too as it is upsetting them too much to be separated overnight. Make it about something entirely different so he can protect his image. This is especially important if he is a narcissist
I made the mistake of being nice to my narcissistic ex and it all blew up in my face. He used it to attack me further. Some people have never had to deal with men like this and it shows. There is no reasoning with them. Mine still tries to destroy me over 6 years later and uses kids to try it. He also frequently gets up them which is wearing thin so I am relieved I avoided court ordered contact because my kids no longer want to see him. We only read a brief snapshot of what you are going through but the words 'super narcissist' makes me think there is so much more. You cannot reason with them if they are bullies! I just want to say 'I believe you' and it's okay to want to protect your children x
They are too young to not go. Unfortunately, they will miss out on things when they are with you and vice versa if you had a partner and did stuff with your kids, it’s life. They just need support
Hmm is the new family bothering you or the kids?
Exactly.
Depending what state you live in I’m in Australia . Our law states “child's best interest is paramount” . Not saying they do but mine do and they 7 and12 but can often play parents off due to issues they don’t like like discipline and so play the don’t want to go card. We have court orders in place that my ex has contravened with not making times or other things over 200 times in 6 years but it’s not worth doing anything I have a partial law degree and to be honest the kids are the only ones they manipulate with the “cause of mum blah blah” . Plus my solicitor said build a file in event he takes me to court so shows pattern. My advise would be a formal email to him explaining the concerns (all written correspondence is best for future records of proof if needed). Outline as per your post that maybe need to attend a post parenting program, that also maybe inform him that a parenting plan needs to be put in place bear in mind if you do initiate court they can appoint a court reporter which speak with the children on their feelings/situations at both homes etc and they can also appoint a child solicitor to act on children’s behalf for not what’s best for him or you but the kids. Their opinion is assessed but not always taken into account . Yes they don’t wish to go and believe me at times when I hear things I want to go nuts at my ex (he has kids and new wife too) as he cancels or disappoints them and we left picking up pieces but my comment is always - you are loved by daddy, the best thing about other siblings and a step mum is more people to love you. Encourage them to talk to you about their issues and even talk to daddy. If can’t talk to him I encourage my kids to write me a letter or him a letter and give to him/me expressing themself so they feel they can be open without seeing/getting an immediate reaction. Then for them to add on bottom please reply in a letter and leave for me to read .believe me I say all of this advice but for 8 years have still issues with my ex who always denrigates me to them and I find emails keep emotion out of it. I even write formal (he doesn’t see he getting to you then)
Dear Mr XYZ and my name Mrs LMO
Then refer to parental obligations, the orders and whatever else. All facts, no emotion . Believe me he abuses me over it but… he only looks like the asshole and uncaring parent if it ends up back in court.
Goodluck and sorry for the novel
Sounds like my ex!. We had parenting consent orders all done through lawyers but my kids were being manipulated and calling me texting me and worried if they leave dad will get mad etc my son stuck it out the longest then finally said I don’t care anymore I can’t be around it. Your 7 yr old will work it out and won’t want to go either.
I also encourage my children to go knowing they would work it out as they got older he is a drinker so his behaviour was mentally abusing guilt tripping etc. My girl is strong and I remind her that her voice is valid so he lost his power with her. My son is different they were best friends and struggled coming to the realisation that dad wasn’t all that great so took him longer to work out and feels guilty a lot of the time.
If they aren’t happy don’t make them go you can encourage and hope it will work. I was getting calls or text to pick them up every second visit or so I would encourage them to stay as I wanted them ti have a relationship with their father but he just didn’t put the effort in and now they are older they see them but the relationship is flawed
Is he doesn’t care don’t send them you don’t have too. My friend only let her ex see his kid once a week until he gets parenting classes