DV warning, long.
Have been meaning to write this for a while & be outside my head.
Am married for 16 yrs., 48 years old.
A stay at home mum to 11 yr old daughter.
Have had one incident of dv in 2014, (held down on ground/couldn't breath) counselling after together but i always felt unheard/shell of former self. Husband narcissit who always has to be right. Have experienced ptsd & sadness even now.
Have always felt anxious growing up but didnt know what it was. Since dv episode my anxiety has become much worse. Think covid lockdowns insulated me to become a home body even more.
I am paid around $100 a week ($500 usually monthly for groceries, school clothes etc...hardly goes anywhere these days. If unable to access funds i have to use credit. During lockdown i was able to access super to pay off debt. Has always been that way. I don't ask for anything else. I have no knowledge of financials. Feel like i am treated like a 5 year old. If hubby died i would have an unbelievably tough time accessing anything or knowledge to action anything remotely responsible.
I do not see him in a loving way.
I feel for my daughter as she very rarely receives encouragment.
I find myself get upset about him in front of friends/family but have become more suppressed & not expressing anything anymore or i can more recently go.to the other extreme of blurting terrible thimgs i feel about him.
Actually my friendships have changed so drastically i feel since covid re opening. Maybe people have adjusted their priorities?? I am quiet inside myself now with loss of partner connection because of his behaviour towards me & lacklustre friendships.
Girlfriends know i dont have money for socialising or other things. We spend so much time at home, dont have holidays or weekends away anywhere.
Friendships of 20 years & more have changed.
Do they not want to deal.with my negativity & are over me not taking responsibilty for myself.
I feel that i am not liked as i am not a nice person or they see right through my facade.
I have this feeling that no one will believe what im saying or care at all.
: One example is catch up with two girlfriends (daughters teenage bday) & one wanting to divorce her husband but she has no suppprts here to help. I acknowledged my dilemmas (never change) & blurted out my insecurities about a current anxious filled moment & was simply told to go to councelling while my good friend ended up sitting with the other friend, grabbed her hand & gave her her full attention. I would never deprive that to anyone but why am i idolated from that connection.
Feel so alone. I push it all down into a place of utter sadness. As i am not like anyone who has a relationship or warm loving friendships i put on a face everyday to the world & myself.
I don't know who i am meant to be.
I try to be someone but that hasnt worked so far so i just retreat. I don't know?
I am told i am so negative, get a job,
I realise that trauma has caused my nervous system/capacity to be ripped apart.
Loss of school mum connections happened in grade 2 & then covid. Daughter has one friend in primary.
All makes me so sad. I truely just get up everyday (after sleeping on couch) to care for my daughter & she brings me joy.
I have no funds for extra cirriculum activities for her though. No swimming, athletics etc. Husband was asked by his best friend (quite well off with 3 daughters) if she takes swimming lessons & he said "she dosent need lessons, why, when she cant even swim properly". I never forgot that comment. Im pretty sure she heard. Made me cry. She can swim actually (self taught).
Really i need some advice about how i can build myself back up to a position of being able to work or even particiapte in society in a really positive way.
I have loved being able to stay home for my daughter these past 10+ years. Wouldnt trade for anything but would of preferred to have been under better circumstances
I need to work again, to supply extras for my daughter & put a tiny bit away for a rainy day. I have no access/knowledge of our married financial situation. Promises have been made for financial situatuons for me (company dividends) but nothing ever happens.
I need/require urgent dental work which may cost a lot (Plus dental anxiety), eye test for glasses (no money for prescription lenses & glasses), female medical check/peri menopause hormone levels check up.
I get so anxious daily but i love to be in a space at home & potter with my interiors. Mainly purchases from op shops, second hand. It brings me such calm. Home is not large but so grateful for it.
Since lockdown hubby has not gone back to an office. He is always home. Drives me crazy.
I really worry every single day. I am actually sick of myself at this stage. I get such low energy by end of day. Not sure if it is a symptim of trauma/stress/anxiety.
I know for sure i cannot be back in a full time office job or computer job. Used to work in advertising. My anxiety would not.allow it these days.
I cannot leave. No capacity mentally or emotionally or financially
Sorry it was a bit of a long brain dump.
How to break out of my comforts /insecurities & social awkwardness that has befalled me in what should be an enriching time of my life heading towards 50???
I want to show my daughter positive steps & actions. I am not. I am repeating parental patterns shown to me.
Thank you
6 Replies
Omg you are living under a narcissit being completely isolated and manipulated. The biggest positive step in life that you can show your daughter, is to pack your stuff and run! Stop being afraid of him and putting you and your daughter first. You say leaving isn’t an option but it is. Find somewhere safe you can go to. A lawyer will find your finances and get half of what is yours. Only you can do this though and I am not living in your position but I also wouldn’t live like that. You have one precious life Mumma with your little girl. Ring 1800 respect please and just get some advice. You don’t have to up and leave straight away but they will help you find a safe place. This is abuse. It’s like living in a prison. You poor little girl. Please make the phone call and every step you take, you are doing this for you and your little girl. No one can force you to do it. Please just think about it. One step at a time.
You think you can’t leave but you can. Your mental health and well-being will improve immensely once you do. You can get financial support also.
This! I did not realise how exhausting just being in that relationship and walking on eggshells all the time was until after I left.
You can leave. You just don't know how yet.
Do NOT tell yourself otherwise.
If you choose to not leave then you are choosing to renew that cycle of parental patterns for your daughter.
You read that right.
Forget about not getting to go swimming or do athletics, or dance, or gymnastics.
She is being groomed to be woman who expects to be physically, emotionally and financially abused by her partner because that's the dynamic she knows.
Now do you see why not leaving isn't an option?
Oh darling I have been right where you are right now and it is just so incredibly hard. It feels overwhelming and exhausting most of the time and I felt like I was imprisoned. The only thing that helped me was talking to a Centrelink Social Worker and talking to a DV counsellor. Both did not cost me. They helped me to unravel all the ways I was being abused, including financial abuse. They helped me to gain strength which I needed to do before I could even consider leaving. When I finally did leave these women helped me find the path out. Unless someone is going through it they cannot understand it. I thought all my friends did not care but he was also working hard to destroy my image and any close friendships I had. All his criticisms had also replaced my own inner voice so then I felt like I could not trust anyone or they would not believe me. Remember a time long before him... you mentioned a career? That woman is still in there somewhere and one day you are going to find her again 💕
Call a DV hotline and ask for help. Financial control IS domestic violence.
Your GP can set you up with a mental health plan to help address your anxiety.
I think you'll find that 99% of your anxiety is actually your marriage.
You say you couldn't possibly work full time again - but it's actually your anxiety making you think that. You're afraid of being afraid.
As to your friends - unfortunately, it honestly sounds like "carer burnout". I've been there myself, and I felt awful about it - but to hear the same thing over and over and give all the advice and strategies to someone who won't help themselves - it's exhausting. I'm sorry, I know that sounds bad.
I'd say "kick him out" and she'd say "oooohhhh but he won't leave......" I'd say "mate, I will come over and I fking guarantee you he WILL leave" "oh no, don't do that...."
Well guess what, he did leave. 4 years later.
I work with DV victims and perpetrators. I absolutely understand the fear and the victim mindset. I 100% understand that you feel like a trapped animal and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
But taking positive steps toward building your own life, independant from your abusive husband, will actually reduce your anxiety and improve your self esteem and your overall health.