I can’t and won’t choose between my kids??
I need advise as I have been crying as I feel broken about my two oldest children.
Back story I have a son 24 who is getting married.
His sister made a bad choice last year.
She had a sport tournament booked and paid for and was cancelled due to covid. Last year it was put back on in July. All My children live and breath sport.
My son and his partner got engaged and quickly booked a venue for their engagement party. 3 weeks leading up to it my daughter was talking to me about her tournament and it clicked that it’s the same weekend as her brothers engagement.
No their is no question she made the wrong decision and went to the tournament 7 hours away. It wasn’t possible to do both.
She has tried to contact him over the last 8 months but he won’t and trashes her to everyone. I’ve tried talking to him. But very quickly he cut me too. His partner won’t respond to me. I send messages tell him I am there for him. I love him.
My hubby (not his dad) and I had to leave and go overseas to sort out his mothers estate as she died and so did his son within 6 months of each other. We have had a lot happen and family means the world to us.
I’m rambling but I’m lost.
I get messages when I try to talk to him about how I was never there for him. Never done anything for him. I was a single mother who left a narcissist with years of torment. Sadly their father has nothing to do with his daughter so him talking to our son is out of the question.
I get my son is hurt and his partner but my ex and her mother all say don’t invite her to the wedding.
There are things being said to other people on both sides. No one is innocent now. It’s just a mess
My son over the last 8 months has barely spoken and then sends me texts about how they have picked a venue and date. Messages back and forth how happy I am for them. And then the clincher he wants $10,000. I said we need to talk.
You guessed it, it didn’t end well. He’s not inviting his sister. All I said is that’s not ok. This isn’t how to deal with conflict. This will impact the rest of your life. And I got Fk you fk your money and your not invited. And then he trashed my hubby who has been there more than his dad in every way. (My son came and asked for the money to buy an engagement ring and my hubby handed him the cash he need on the spot). He paid it back over then coming months.
I have a long time till the wedding so time is on my side but I can’t stop crying. My daughter doesn’t know yet and I can’t believe they have carried this on this far.
My son said I not only have done nothing for him but that I take her side.
I’m loosing him and feel I’m grieving all over again.
12 Replies
I wouldn’t have cancelled my sporting event for an engagement party either. Especially since it seems the sporting event was planned well in advance.
I wouldn’t expect my family (and we are super close) to cancel something like that either.
A party invitation is not demand and you have to give people plenty to notice if you want people to come and not have prior commitments.
To be honest this sounds much much deeper than your daughter not attending the engagement party, because in a happy healthy family this would amount to a ‘that’s a shame you can’t make it, but we will see you at the wedding’ response, end of story!
The bride to be sounds like she is on a power trip which is firing everything up.
I think you are probably going to have to give your son and partner space and let them cool down (if that’s what they choose to do). I would be mentally preparing myself that your family is going to be fractured for awhile.
Engagement parties aren't all that important in my opinion, a bit like a baby shower I'd rather go and see the real thing when it happens. So his reaction to her missing it is hugely over the top. I would say his Dad, gf and her mum is pushing this? Just finding a reason to cut you all out of the wedding for whatever reason? My ex MIL was like this with my SILs wedding. In the lead up to it all she did was whinge about the grooms family and her own in laws about how they weren't doing anything to help, or "she said ..." and "she did that". The grooms family lived interstate and she hadn't even met them yet. Then when she did meet them 2 days before the wedding she was really rude to them like they had killed her cat when in reality they had literally done nothing and had no idea what all the drama was about. Some people just love drama and choose weddings to create it. Ex MIL even used to always tell the story of her own wedding where her Mum treated her mil like crap on the day because of what she did or didn't do for the wedding. When this goes to fb I would tag him in it so he can see how immature he's being.
Really your son got angry at his sister for not going to his engagement party because of a sporting tournament? If it was the actual wedding I would have been on his side but it's only an engagement party...he just needs to get over it
There are deeper issues at play here. Because this is a complete overreaction to something as minor a that.
I'd never expect my sibling to accommodate something as silly as an engagement party due to my prior commitments.
Your son is entitled and acting like a child. Your daughter didn't do anything wrong and you need to realize that and stop saying she made a mistake.
Your daughter didn't make a mistake. Your son is being unreasonable for an engagement party. He reminds me of those people who throw a surprise wedding that they call an engagement party and get upset when people don't end up coming.
Yep, or calls it a birthday party and throws a fit when someone wears white!
My aunty did this and didn't tell ANYONE including my mum! My mum was pissed AF when she found out. Her "engagement party" (surprise wedding) was a 10 hour drive away so we didn't come. We would have if we had known it was her actual wedding though!!
Just pull out completely. Let him know you love him, you’re devastated at how things are, if he invites you you will show up and keep your head down. Nothing more while things are this way, as you’re all so uptight that any kind of interaction goes badly, this is your way of being able to be there for him. Remind him how he deals with his sister is his own choice and regardless you are hoping to be able to be there for him.
Wow.
Your Son is the AH here. A sport tournament meant a lot to your daughter - and was organised first. Engagement party are not do or die!
Definitely step back. The more you push the more agitated he is becoming.
He is an adult who needs to take responsibility for his actions. Leaving his sister out of his wedding is his choice and he will need to accept the consequences of that decision.
You also are under no obligation to pay $10,000 towards his wedding when he is treating you so poorly. Another consequence of his decision.
He seems intent on cutting you guys off - you can’t stop him, don’t let him hold you ransom. Let him go. It will crush you but no more than him continuing to treat you poorly.
Massive overreaction by your son and he's being completely unreasonable. I had so many people that couldn't make me engagement party - both family and friends. The wedding is more important than anything.
Honestly, you've said what you need to and gotten your point across. I'd leave it now. Let him cool down and see what happens. Unfortunately if he's sticking to it, you can't do much.
Just an update. Son messaged me saying he is angry and feels I'm on his sisters side, we haven't spoken to each other, I just send him random messages saying hello and I love him and within a day or so he responds. He says he's been angry at work and his boss warned him to calm down or go home so he wants to talk to me. I agreed to listen to his side but that was 10 days ago and Ive offered a few time to talk but he now always says he's driving or watching a movie so it can't be that important to him.
Only this week I spoke to my daughter about some of the issues as my birthday came and went. My son messaged me at 11.30pm only because his sister poked the bear. she messaged him saying its your mothers birthday and you can't even contact her and I believe she said some other things that ended in further problems between them. My daughter has said for me not to worry as her and her boyfriend of 8 years wouldn't be welcome and believe they won't be invited and are prepared to not go to the wedding.
On my birthday my son his partner her mum and stepdad went out to dinner with my ex and his wife to discuss the wedding. I am a long way away but even if I was down the road I know I wouldn't have been welcome. My ex is a sniper narcissist, somehow he manages to convience others he's a good guy and spends a lot of time bagging me to others (I know this as my younger son tells me he does this to his partners parents and has heard him do it to anyone who listens) standard narc behaviour.
I started taking some anxiety medication so Im able to not get so upset lately. Time is still on my side but when I think about the wedding I can't see how I will not be seen as the bad person (even if I'm invited). Ive done nothing to deserve this treatment. I never bring up my ex to others and for years not even with my own kids. I know my daughter doesn't deserve this and what is meant to be a beautiful occasion feels like sadness to me.