Can anyone recommend a good counsellor in the North Qld region or one that does Tele appointments that helps those with partners with an addiction?
My husband of 22 years is a smoker. We both smoked when we got married with the promise that we’d both give up when the kids came along. 19 years after, he’s still smoking.
His health is very bad, he spits and coughs incessantly. His addiction costs us over $22000 a year, just in smokes. That’s not the extra cost of insurances etc because he’s a smoker. The smell makes me feel sick all the time, I find it so overwhelming and repulsive. Everything stinks, our house, our bed, our cars are downright disgusting. He does smoke outside but it blows back in and he carries it in on his clothes. He doesn’t smoke in the cars with me (but does our teenage son or on his own) but they make me feel so car sick whenever we have to travel.
I just want to talk someone to see if I’m getting a bit obsessed by it and help me deal with it. Although I’m at the stage of where I get so depressed at the thought of dealing with this for years yet or even worse, that he’s going to die a horrible death, or make us really sick from breathing it in constantly.
I got to the stage where I walked out last weekend and went away for the night after he got up for a smoke in the middle of the night and came back to bed reeking. When I came home we spoke about it, and he said he was so close to killing himself because I left him (his father and brother do the same thing to their wives!) but it was his choice to smoke and it doesn’t affect me because it’s HIS body and HIS money (we run a business together).
8 Replies
Tbh everyone I have spoken to regarding this have found hypnotherapy more helpful
Sounds like he has no interest in giving up? I think I would feel exactly the same as you, I just don’t think I could be with a smoker, the waste of money and the terrible smell. Your feelings are valid.
My husband was like this and had no interest in giving up. That is until he almost died 8 years ago. He became critically ill and almost died. The day he went into hospital, was the day he stopped BUT he had the shock and thought he was going to die. He said that to him that was the wake up call.
Unfortunately you cannot make him give up, unless he wanted to do that
Threatening self harm because you left him is a huge red flag! That is a huge chunk of money he is spending in a year, and while it is his body it’s not just his money, it’s family money. I can’t recommend a counsellor for you, as I don’t live in North Qld, but speak to your GP. They will be able to recommend someone for you. You can’t make him give up, but you can decide whether to continue living like this.
My sister in law literally just left her husband due to him smoking - well it was the straw so to speak. He’d given up for a couple of years and started again.
He needs help to give up, but if he doesn’t want to it won’t work. If he’s threatening suicide if you leave, that is emotional abuse. Generally those that threaten to kill themselves will never, it’s just a control method, whether or not they mean to or not. See if he will have marriage counselling and go from there. I wish you luck xo
What a selfish piece of shit human he is. Just leave. You do realise passive smoking is just as bad for your health and your kids. Why are you doing that to yourself? Stand up for you and not put up with it. How dare he threaten suicide coz u left 🤦🏻♀️ Please. That’s just him being a manipulative asshole. I’m sorry, you deserve better!
First of all threatening suicide because you left is emotional abuse. If he ever says that shit again call the police and tell them he is threatening to hurt himself. They will come and help. If he does it when you are away they will do a welfare check. If he isn't serious it will give him a wake up call that this is not a joke.
Secondly, he can't quit smoking until he is ready. CANT not won't. It's an addiction. If he is open to it suggest vaping. He can get a legal prescription for the nicotine and buy regulated vape juice from a reputable supplier like Vapoureyes.
No it's not great but it's better than smoking and when used correctly, legally and safely it is a fantastic quit smoking aid.
Only you can decide if this is a hard limit for you. If it is leave.
There might be a support group for partners of smokers. Like Al anon which is for families of alcoholics. Contact NA and ask.
He won’t give up.. he needs to want to give up. If you make him give up he will still smoke just behind your back. That will be worse for your relationship. It’s not easy to give up.
I definitely wouldn’t be allowing the cigarette then going straight to bed.. definite no, no.
You probably gave up smoking when you had a baby in your tummy?? That easier than giving up on your own.. perhaps ask him to try vaping.