My sweet little 8 year old boy is caught in the middle of a triangular friendship. One friend he’s had since Kindy. They are both quite gentle, kind and empathetic (my son to the point of his own detriment). He doesn’t like watching sad or scary movies because he feels too much emotion for others. He’s a great soccer player but is fearful of “getting stuck in” sometimes during a match - be it emotionally or physically as he’s quite petite.
The second friend he became close to at the start of school. He and my son have a lot in common...Soccer, video games etc. They are all in the same class. End of last year and ongoing it has come to my attention second friend can be quite mean to my son’s first friend. He somewhat bullies this first friend and apparently others on occasion. My son is torn about saying anything because he’s been told they “won’t be friends anymore” if he stands up for others. In the past a few of us have tried diplomatically to bring it up to the boys mum. She certainly doesn’t skirt around telling her son off but she does brush off his mean remarks as “just kids being kids”. It’s possible she does later have words with him at home. I know I often wait myself to have those conversations.
I was called this afternoon by the first friends mum. Her boy has a broken finger (soccer injury) and second friend roughly grabbed his strapped finger and told him he’s a baby if he cries. She’s going to the teacher about it but what also concerns me is she did mention in these situations she noticed my son doesn’t stand up for hers. We know it and have had numerous conversations with him. But it’s hard as I have also told him to walk away and not get involved in tricky situations if he’s uncomfortable.
Ultimately the school will handle the bulk of the issues with the bullying but how do I teach my son to deal appropriately with these situations? I want him to be resilient and have confidence to stand up for what’s right but also remain the kind soul he is. My husband wants to see him more “aggressive” on the soccer field because his timidity lets the team down.
Not necessarily related but my son also often has trouble getting to sleep at night as he starts worrying about things like being kidnapped or us leaving him - which he has no cause to be concerned about at all. Does anyone have any suggestions on parenting websites we can find another approach or should we engage a psychologist? I want him to be better prepared for the years ahead.
4 Replies
Psychologist can’t help. My son is very gentle and the kindest boy. I wouldn’t change a thing. He doesn’t stand up for himself or speak up but he sees a psychologist to help him find his voice. He’s working on it. You can’t just change your son to be more aggressive, it’s not in him. Let him be.
The night time thing is anxiety. My son is the same. Working with psychologist in that too. Your son needs a psychologist. This is party of his life and will likely never go away. He will just learn to manage it.
My now nearly 14 year old is a kind soul.
Martial arts helped, this was a stranger danger/self defence type class. He did it for a long time.
This is a boy who stopped a soccer game on a Saturday morning and said…there are heaps of balls in the bag. We don’t need to fight over just one.
He loves to dance, so we enrolled him in hip hop.
He is very empathetic, in his experience 3 was a crowd.
One mate was cruisy his other mate basically blew the triangle by trying to ‘play’ joke around, kind of bravado.
One day our boy just snapped at him..everyone got their nickers in a twist and I am glad he does not put up with his…thats just him…any more.
I love that he is kind and gentle, but he did learn that some people need to be told.
Sounds a lot like anxiety, he's avoiding conflict and the night time worries all point to anxiety. I don't think he would need a psychologist for this. Counselling will be great for helping him to navigate awkward situations and teach him with special ways of communicating, strategies that will really help him in the future.