I’ve done the wrong thing…
I’ve been having an affair which could end both of our marriages and the guilt I’m feeling is awful!
The affair is over now but I can’t get over the guilt and my mental health has gone down hill since it all started
I don’t know what to do….
14 Replies
Something was wrong before the affair or it would not have happened. Either in your marriage or around your feelings re self-worth. This would be an area to explore.
I see it as only having two choices. 1. Be honest, own it and try to save your marriage or 2. Leave and move on.
Please do not try to keep this a secret if you stay as it is really cruel and unfair to the other person. Usually the relationship changes anyway, as it's this dishonest thing always between you and the other person's intuition starts to tell them something is not quite right. Your relationship will never be the same again, it changed the moment you had the affair. To try to keep it a secret is just delaying the inevitable.
For your welfare and your husband's, the best direction is to take action and not leave this hanging any longer
You need to leave! I’m sorry but your husband/wife deserves better!!!!
if you're going to stay, i don't think you should tell.
it's your burden to hold, don't put that on your spouse.
telling is only going to relieve yourself of guilt and profoundly hurt your partner.
just be the best partner that you can, from now on.
Agree. So many say tell your partner and then want to stay. Just an excuse to transfer the guilt. If you had an affair you had already checked out. So either put the energy you invested in the affair into your life-partner relationship and show through your actions you are invested to stay. Or just leave. Please don't expect your partner to fix it. Saying there was something missing and your partner had some responsibility for your affair, is the biggest cop-out ever. You chose to cheat. You could have chosen way back to invest that extra-marital energy into your primary relationship. You didn't. So do it now or leave. And if you are staying. Then shut your mouth and show your commitment through your actions!
No shit you did the wrong thing. And I already know it didn’t end because of your conscience, for either of you. You’ve broken the relationship, it’s unfixable until you tell the truth.
Fess up. It's the decent thing to do. Your SO deserves to have the option of informed choice in staying or not.
I am really struggling to be kind here especially since your mental health is suffering a little.
However, what you've done is a by product of whatever is going on it your life.
Whether it's a personality disorder or you like the attention I have no idea.
My experience was my ex was using ICE even though he denied it. It all came out and i was made to feel like it was all in my head or my fault. My friend was addicted to attention and when everything went pear shaped, she crawled back to her husband and blamed me for being a bad influence.
You have always had a choice and a responsibility for yourself.
You have options and realistic consequences.
1. See a psychologist and come clean to your husband. He can decide what's best for him but you need to accept his choice. You need to tell him. He needs to get STD checked and so do you.
2. End your marriage and change your life. You need to grow as a person and move forward. No one ultimately is responsible or required to make you happy and it's unfair that people ask for that. Your children need that nurturing and depend on you for their happiness and health. Your husband or partner or affair FWB isn't.
I wish you the best.
Please do not keep this a secret if you decide to stay!!! I was on the other side of this and my gut was screaming at me and he made out it was all in my head. I cannot stand people who hide it and stay in relationships. It takes a true narcissist to not have a guilty conscience and to not consider how unfair it is on the other person to think that they do not deserve better! I would NEVER want to be tied to someone who cheated and kept it a secret. Just sickening to even think about. People stuff up but hiding it is way, way worse. Also if he finds out later on down the track, there's no coming back from that.
Has your husband asked you or suspected you were cheating? If so, bloody well tell him the truth!!!!
The only thing worse than being cheated on is being lied to about it.
I personally think that even if he hasn't asked, you should confess - because he has the right to decide whether to stay or go, and he deserves the information.
How would you feel if it was your husband cheating???
Yes, you did a horrible, shitty thing and you know it - so if you have to face the repercussions, you know you deserve it.
If he chooses to stay, then get into marriage counselling ASAP sp tou can both work through it properly.
You must remember the grass is greener where you water it. Recently I’ve gone through hell learning deceitful things about my husband. Be honest and don’t make a fool out of yours. Let him decide if he wants to fight for it. Go to counselling yourself and as a couple.
Your significant other deserves the opportunity to leave you
If you've broken your relationship that person deserves the opportunity to choose their future whether it is to stay and work with you or leave.
You should have left before you cheated. Obviously something made you look elsewhere. Being open and honest would have saved all this heartbreak.
You deserve to feel guilty and like shit. You are scum.
You are a selfish user who has probably destroyed 2 familes so you could get your rocks off.
You deserve no sympathy at all.
How dare you even ask for sympathy and support after the hurt and pain you have and will cause to those around you. Still a selfish user who can't see past themselves. People like you never change.
Do your partner a favour, tell them and then promptly disappear from their life forever. They deserve better than you.
the sole focus of the post is her suffering and mental health, it's no surprise she's a cheater.
cheaters are selfish people who put their own needs above others and its clear from her post, she's still doing that.
i wouldn't be surprised if the affair partner dumped her and that's why it ended.
she still has zero self awareness.
I had an affair and held on to the secret for 4 years. I went to therapy to work through the 'why' of it all, because I never wanted to make those decisions again. It was during a pretty awful time in my life and rather than deal with it, I ran away from my problems by seeking other 'excitement'.
I thought after therapy I'd be ok with not telling my husband but eventually the guilt and shame of it all just got too much. The other man was heavily influencing me to keep quiet and would say things like 'we deserve the hurt, not our partners'. While I understand what he meant, I just couldn't continue on with the lie.
My husband now knows the truth and has been amazing. I went back to therapy, and he has been Dreamy supportive. He acknowledges the incredible stress we were under at the time of the affair and that those actions are not who I am. I have worked so hard to be a better person, and will continue to do so because I never want to hurt him again. And I don't want to be that person ever again.
Long story short, go to therapy and tell your husband. It'll be awful, but it's the only way to move forward.