My sister is a drunk.
She's been in and out of rehab (latest stint she walked straight out and into a bottle shop) numerous times, she keeps getting threats about losing her daughter, and all she's worried about is people knowing she's a drunk.
Growing up, she was daddy's little girl, the golden child who could do no wrong.
Dad has even said to her recently that she was the last of his 3 daughters that he expected to go down this path of alcoholism.
She's always saying she was the golden child, daddy's favourite, and it makes me sick how often she brings this up.
Surely she would be trying to get better for her own 5yr old daughter?
She's been getting drunk around her so much that she doesn't even want to go to her house anymore, the ex partner said she is only to have supervised visits until she beats the alcoholism.
I'm trying to help her, but nothing is sinking in.
She will call me drunk and deny it, then bring up the golden child stuff yet again.
She's in her 30's with her own daughter, yet this is all she's worried about?
I want to give up on her sometimes.
How to deal with drunken sister
How to deal with drunken sister
Posted in:
Health & Wellbeing
11 Replies
There's nothing you can do until she decides to help herself which usually happens when they have hit rock bottom. Theres stages to the way addicts think, I can't remember them exactly but it goes something like this -
* Happy with addiction and don't see themselves as addicted, nothing in their life affected. They think they can quit whenever.
*Life starting to get affected maybe financially or health wise but still don't see a problem.
*Life getting affected more like relationship breakdowns, losing job. Starting to realise they have an addiction. This is when they may start to look into ways of quitting but still may be in denial to others. I guess this is where your sister is at.
*Final stage and some may never make it this far, they hit rock bottom and want to quit and put all effort into it. They can and do relapse but once they reach this stage there's real hope, they are likely to get there again if they relapse.
Its really frustrating as someone close to just watch but they need to decide things for themselves, they also need to be ready to quit. That being said you also don't need to stand around and watch and wait, its very draining and you need to think of your own mental health. Hang up on her if she's not talking sense, send her home if she's not sober, don't let her feel like a victim when talking about bad things happening in her life like not being able to see her daughter, make it clear its her choices that are doing that.
I am so sick of her playing the victim for something SHE is doing.
My mum keeps blaming her ex partner, but he has done nothing wrong except try and protect their daughter.
Of course he is getting angry at my sister, he wants their child to have a relationship with their daughter, but not while she's getting drunk and passing out when the poor girl is at her house.
If she is that bad he needs to keep his child from her what happens if she gets so drunk passes out burn the house down he needs to protect the kid
Have you been in touch with al-anon? They really a fantastic resource.
I think all addicts have the victim mentality, because then they don't have to feel the guilt about their own life choices.
And going on & on about being the golden child - it's her way of convincing herself that she's perfect & doesn't need to change. Like it absolves her from taking responsibility for her drinking.
There is honestly nothing you can do to help her.
You either choose to stay in her life & watch her fk it up over & over, or you walk away for your own sanity.
So try to keep a relationship with your neice though, the ex sounds like a good man who wouldn't stop you seeing her.
Stop answering, enabling, visiting , just cut her off. I had to do this to a family member too. It was the only way to get my sanity back and to stay safe. I Completely cut him off. This was 10 years ago. By all accounts, he hasn't even changed. Best thing I ever did.
I do wonder what lies underneath?
Has your sister suffered trauma? Self medicating.. is their a reason she references a better time? Or her golden child references.
Your seeing the symptoms of underlying disease.
I really don't know why she went this way.
I look back at her childhood and she definitely was daddy's little girl.
It was a running joke with everyone that she was the Golden Child.
It's like she never stopped being 12 years old even though she's in her 30's now, she still wants our dad to view her as the 'special one'.
She's more worried about what others think of her than getting custody of her daughter back.
Alcoholism has a high genetic predisposition.
She drinks more likely because of what she is lacking rather what she gains.
She can’t see or rationalise the same way you can at the moment alcohol has skewed her judgement and reasoning skills.
I would focus your attention on her daughter and building her up. Creating connections for her.
It’s a shame we don’t have better facilities and support for addiction and their families in Australia.
It's like she never stopped being 12 years old even though she's in her 30's now, she still wants our dad to view her as the 'special one'.
That’s arrested development, it happens from trauma. Probably other things too, but a huge traumatic event, and people stay at the age they were when it happens and can’t progress. I learned this from my ex as I slowly understood the extent that he never grew up.
As an alcoholic who has been sober for 3 years.
You can't help her. She has to help herself. And she won't do that until she hits rock bottom.
Basically she has to decided when she is sick of tired of being sick and tired.
For yourself I would suggest al-anon.
For her, leave her to her addiction and one day she might get the help she needs.
It’s not all she’s worried about. It’s all she can hang onto. The time when people loved her and believed in her and her life had promise. Easier to focus on that than how terribly she’s failing now. You can’t solve her problems. All you can do is love her and tell her you care and you’re worried and you’re there to help if she decides to get sober. You’re there for her daughter if she can’t be. In the meantime, you can set boundaries - you won’t talk to her if she’s been drinking for example. It’s hard when a loved one is this unwell. Good luck