How would you handle/solve this issue?
(Sorry, might be a long one)
Me, my partner and kids moved cities (better living, we were unhappy where we use to live and needed a good change) - this meant moving away from my family. It ended up causing a lot of issues and upset amongst my close family which resulted in many arguments and horrible things said. There has been some super inappropriate completely false accusations made against my partner which was the final straw for me and have removed my family out of our lives. Once I cut everyone out we were all happier and felt more peaceful (to say the least, it was the best choice I've made). This all happened 2, almost 3 years ago. When this was all fresh my aunt (Dads sister) kept reaching out (as I was also pregnant at the time) - I honestly feel like a lot of her conversation and "check-ins" were the doing of my parents and not done out of genuine care/concern. I'm not close to this aunt, never really have been my whole life, the only time we would ever "talk" is when we were at the same family function and bump into each other and it would just be your light hearted howve you been conversation. I was polite and always responded to her messages then it just started to get a little much. As I mentioned I was pregnant, also with children at home - I had a rather tough pregnancy with a few health issues and was sick most of the time. The messages would come more frequently and if I didn't respond that day there would be more messages and then the "are you okay" messages would start. The end of my pregnancy was already filled with stress due to health (which she was aware of) and she added to it hugely and help make the end of my pregnancy horrible with the constant harassment - she expected when i go into labor to be notified (she never cared about me having the other children). In a few messages back I got rather blunt about dealing with the new addition to the family and wanting to take this time to enjoy with my little family. I've also messaged back thinking I've bluntly shut down the conversation. It stopped for awhile and now it's starting up again and I mentally can't handle it but I also don't want to be rude as I'm well aware she's being put in an awkward spot but it needs to stop!
Partner has suggested just not messaging back and/or blocking her but I'm apprehensive to do that as I'm sure these accusations were shared with her and I'm worried she could escalate the situation.
(Backstory - it was made out and bluntly asked if my partner beats me and controls me - this was also asked to my 5 year old too. Again nothing like this has ever happened. It left my 5 year old super confused, with lots of questions. Which lead into a conversation i didnt really expect to be having with my 5 year old.) At the end of the day nothing is happening at home so even if things did escalate nothing would come of it, I think for myself it's more the hurt of it being my family and also I see the hurt it causes my partner (that anyone would think that of him) and I also don't need this shit to further confuse and concern my kids. Aunt has never addressed this accusations with me but from her messages of "are you okay" when I don't instantly respond suggests to me she is aware of them. I don't mind having the odd conversation with her but I really need her to back off. I'm run off my feet with personal health issues, kids, household, partner, job, Christmas and animals. I would just like to be left alone! How do I in a polite manner get her to leave me alone?!
Help please!!! For my sanity!
Overstepping aunt! Please help!!
Overstepping aunt! Please help!!
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour, Pregnancy, Kids
19 Replies
Boundaries. Politely say to her that you will respond to her messages on a certain day between certain times and let her know how your week has been and then set a reminder in your calendar. Tell her due to the busy family schedule that you will not be able to respond until then and may miss messages so you do not want her to worry. Then do it. If she messages you, leave them unread until the set day and time. ;)
Also be wary of hubby's suggestion, isolating you from family will just feed the narrative that he is abusive. Next thing you know you will be getting a welfare check. It needs to 100 percent be your decision, not his at all.
I would explain as you have here, how the accusations are false and you have a good feeling she has heard these accusations and that's why she keeps messaging you and she's doing it on their behalf. Then explain that you have cut them all out for a reason and that now you have to cut her out too as she's continuing the abuse you're trying to stop. Then block her.
How hard is it just to block. Take your husbands advice since you're both in this together. Stop leaving yourself loopholes girl, it really is that simple
You sound isolated from your family, they sound incredibly worried about you and youre scared they'll offend and anger your partner further. If they're a good family, they won't give up easily.
Or they are toxic af and trying to stir trouble, happens more than you think.
this woman doesn't sound strong, she sounds like she is downtrodden.
its only texts/calls, so easy to ignore and respond when you feel like it, but it stressed her so much, to the point it ruined her pregnancy.
its not like the aunt is rocking up to her front door.
also, if the claims were way off base, i don't think she would worry so much about it and not responding promptly.
i also don't think they would question a young child if they knew it was false, what would they gain from that
also, wonder if other kids have a different dad, thats why there was no concern.
i wonder whose idea it was to move away.
so much more to this story to really know the truth.
If you have grown up in a toxic family it is really hard to stand up for yourself. If he was abusive, she wouldn't be talking to the aunt and letting him know what's going on, especially after he told her what he thought about it.
Of course she's told him, she knows what would happen if he found out.
See how easy it is to plant a seed in someone's head? You don't even know this lady or her family and you've written him off as a wife basher because someone else has accused him. My exes family tried to do the same to my new partner, so many think he's abusive when he never has been, my ex was actually very abusive but they were quick to put the attention elsewhere. Yep they even questioned my kids and it included "are you ok". Things aren't always as others paint them to be, this family could be trying to save their own reputations by saying he's abusive because the other alternative narrative is they have an adult child who has cut them out because of THEIR behaviour. That could be too shameful for some.
As I said, so much more to know to judge what is true. I just got a different vibe from you, you have a different experience. I don't think from the sounds a wife basher, maybe just controlling.
I 100% agree. There has to be an explanation to the accusations. Not blocking the Aunt straight away also makes me wonder if she felt like they would worry more if she blocked the Aunt.
OP here -
1. I'm not isolated from my family. There's just a big part of my family that I don't have anything to do with (by my OWN choice)!
2. Family are not incredibly worried - they are extremely toxic and abusive (have been my whole life) they are "worried" about the control they have lost.
3. I'm 100% not scared of how my partner is going to react! Don't be pulling bs out of thin air! My partner has been absolutely amazing throughout this whole situation, especially considering the horrible things that are getting said about him. Not sure where you even managed to get that I'm scared of his reaction?
4. Not a good family, toxic and controlling don't give up easily unfortunately.
5. I don't sound strong? Downtrodden? Rather personal interpretations. Strong, yes I am! I have survived such evil from a young age, had a lot more downs than ups and I have come out the otherside with an absolutely amazing family I've created. Downtrodden, yes but not by my partner which seems to be your angel but by this so called "concerned" family.
6. They talk to children about really inappropriate things - the amount of crap I had to sit and listen to as a kid (blows my mind now as an adult and mother). Should I also mention we love to run kids down? Ugly haircut, too fat, teeth aren't straight, too short and the list goes on - I had all of this growing up and have had it happen to my children (hence the no relationship).
7. So much more to the story to know the truth? Don't see how, all I asked is how can I politely tell a family member to back off. But to entertain you - He's the father to all of the kids, been with him for years, family absolutely loved him until we moved and he was blamed for "taking me away". Was my call to move - partner didn't mind staying where we were for a couple more years.
8. How have I made my partner sound controlling? You are the only one on this thread that has had this interpretation and I'm interested to see how you came to it?
9. (Soley directed to the commenter that has made completely inaccurate assumptions) - I'm going to apologies if this is harsh or rude but it's actually coming from a place of concern. I don't know if my little story has triggered some personal stuff for yourself (and apologies if it has, maybe scroll past) but maybe go talk to someone. It seems like you have only taken in a very small part of what I have written and rolled with that. I said in my original post that they are unture stories. I'm sick and tired of other woman going and trying to claim/convince about DV. It's absolutely disgusting! It takes away from the real victims and survivors of DV (which is NOT my situation)! Also the poor victims that get labeled as the so called "abuser".
NOT EVERYONE IS IN A DV RELATIONSHIP!
NOT EVERYONES FAMILY ARE GOOD HEALTHY PEOPLE, SOME ARE INCREDIBLY TOXIC (count yourself lucky if that's a statement you don't understand).
Thank you to the other commenter that was trying to bring more attention to toxic families. You my friend, hit the nail on the head.
Thank you to everyone else's suggestions.
Gonna say it one more time for the people in the back - I'm safe, my kids are safe, we are not being controlled or abused in any way, shape or form!
(Yes, this has hit a nerve! As I'm over people making out that I'm this "victim" and my partners a monster. It's getting really old now.)
I'm fine thanks...if this happened to me, I would simply stop responding. I have boundaries, am sure of myself and the decisions I make about my life. It certainly wouldn't affect my mental health to this extent, I'm not in need of therapy thanks. Good luck to you.
I didn't suggest therapy because you would handle my situation SOOO much better (congratulations btw). You need it for trying make out that I am in an abusive/controlling relationship - you legit wrote things that I didn't say at all (no one said) so someone who comes from trauma (and highly rates therapy) you have rather toxic views! I get if you were genuine and posted saying "hope you are safe, reach out if not ect" but you didn't, you tried to make a big deal out of a nothing. That is toxic behaviour hence my suggestion.
Any form of DV shouldn't be a label trend. Please think twice before you type/speak on such sensitive very real subjects. Good luck with your life moving forward
Perhaps you need to learn to direct that assertiveness to the people in your actual life, rather than anonymous people who potentially misinterupted your post on a public forum.
Isn't that what my question is about?
Maybe anonymous person should have read my first response realized the mistake and apologied or moved on rather than trying punch below the weight 🤷♀️
Public forum hence the suggestion of think before you write/post....
"Potentially"..
The lady doth protest too much...
Just respond that you're loving life, super busy and that you hope she has a merry Christmas. End it with 'gotta run'
In the new year 'happy new year'. Hope it's a good one for you. Take care'
Just keep it light and breezy but also not super engaged
I would just say "fine thanks, we are all well, I appreciate your concern and if I ever need help I promise I will reach out to you" and then stop responding.
Maybe a quick "hi, we're great" message every now and then.
Also, while I understand that you find her questions about your marriage intrusive, I actually think it's great that she's asking. DV is still too taboo and hidden, and too many people won't ask because "it's rude" and "it's personal".
Also she should have framed it way more appropriately for a 5yo 🤦♀️🤦♀️